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OLD photos can be faked easily so if looks bother you too much I should go with the real-life dates.
I do think any dating is all about knowing yourself and knowing what you want in a partner. If YOU dont know what you want, how can someone else provide that for you? Everything would end up with mixed messages because you thought you were looking for someone completely different. So I guess more understanding of ourselves is the priority but it is more difficult than many think it is.
When I was doing OLD, the ones who were searching for 'The One' were the ones I did not bother with. Either they were going to be needy, clingy, and not self confident or else they had a very rosy and unrealistic image of life. Of course, depending on how old everyone is and where they come from, then that viewpoint of looking for The One may be appropriate or not! Every girl hopes for a knight in shining armour but there are not that many left around. Cynicism/reality sets in fairly early these days. Sad but true.
Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
372 posts, read 390,076 times
Reputation: 812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
I was on OKC. Mixed results. Went on a couple of first dates that were just NO. Had lots of messages from boys in their 20's who just wanted to hook up for sex. Also, NO. Then a guy who surprised me by being a complete player (he was in his late 40's, I thought a guy his age would have it out of his system. Guess not.) But I don't regret the fling with him, he gets credit as the second best lover I've ever had, so hey. It was fun while it lasted. Then there was the polyamorous guy who got me into that, and he introduced me to another couple he wanted us to date, and we did for about a year. That was lovely. The other woman was very into Groupon, so she had us ziplining and doing those escape puzzle rooms. And she was a massage therapist, so hot tubbing and massage was also part of that group relationship thing. It was pretty darn indulgent. After about a year of that though, I just felt stretched too thin trying to date more than one, so I told them I wanted to still be close friends (we are) but no more relationship thingie. Still love 'em to death. Great people.
At the same time, I was on fetlife, which is for us kinky people, and got a message from a man...started seeing him (this overlapped the poly thing for a while) and got into the local kink/fetish/Leather community. Also good people, also lots of fun. Still involved in that community. The guy who messaged me on FL is now my one and only. We're arse over teakettle for one another. It will be 2 years in November for us. We're about to move in together next month, and have talked about eventually getting married.
Honestly, I think you really just never know where you'll find the love of your life. If someone had told me, like five/six years ago, what my life story for the last few would look like, I'd have laughed at them.
So some guidelines I'd give anyone trying to date, online or otherwise...
- I think in dating, we learn a LOT about yourself. Find good ways to process this information. Journal if you need to. It might take a little time to really understand what you want and are looking for, and that's ok. Try to be honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with other people about your needs and wants.
- If you don't want casual sex, then take your time before consenting to sex. If a man drops you because you didn't give it up by date #3 (some do that) then his priority was getting laid, not your companionship. It's not you, it's him. If a guy flakes out, or "ghosts" you, or something...don't blame yourself. Do not feel that something is wrong with you. It was just a connection that didn't work out, and they happen a lot in dating. Do NOT beat yourself up over it.
- Be prepared to pay your own way, but if he seems to make a fuss over paying for you, probably let him. Some guys find it emasculating to split the check (or...whatever.) I always offer to pay, if they say "No, I've got this" I give them one more chance by saying, "Are you sure? I really don't mind." Then after that, let it go.
- There is NOTHING wrong with wanting casual sex (or whatever you want!)...be safe about it though. Be honest, and be safe. Safety tips include: Be aware that certain kinds of kink require more knowledge than some people think they do. The best example is rope. Some folks figure they can just go on tying people up for fun, you can cause permanent nerve damage or death if you don't know what you're doing. So if some person you're seeing wants to play, make sure he knows how to do so safely. Meet in person the first few times in public places. Make sure they're public the whole entire time (even where you're parked.) The first time you meet that is NOT in public, consider a safe call. This is someone who knows where you are, that you check in with at a particular time, to make sure you are safe. Obviously, when sex comes into it, do your due diligence with protection and STI testing and contraceptives. (I know, duh, we're all adults here.) Until you know someone well, always have your own way home.
- Sometimes in-person social networking works better than OLD. Or in conjunction with it. After getting into the community that I did, I found that there is a lot of overlap with them and the people on OK Cupid. It was a little strange to see people I knew on a dating site...but sometimes it gave me stuff to have conversations with them about later. There are Meetups (meetup.com) and other groups for practically every interest under the sun. And it helps to meet like-minded people who are sharing an interest in something.
Ok, this wins as the best reply i think I've ever gotten to a question on CD. I am a writer and you ought to write a book. It took a turn I totally wasn't expecting, made me laugh (honestly not at you, I think maybe a little at myself)
There's some valid advice there, thank you. I'm probably somewhere in between looking for a kinky partner and the knight in shining armour another poster mentioned. I'm old enough to not idealize a person or relationship and am looking for someone willing to give it their best shot. Kindness, honesty, a sense of adventure (zip lining sounds fun lol), and a sense of humor. I'm glad you've found someone who is a good match and wish you happiness together.
Ok, this wins as the best reply i think I've ever gotten to a question on CD. I am a writer and you ought to write a book. It took a turn I totally wasn't expecting, made me laugh (honestly not at you, I think maybe a little at myself)
There's some valid advice there, thank you. I'm probably somewhere in between looking for a kinky partner and the knight in shining armour another poster mentioned. I'm old enough to not idealize a person or relationship and am looking for someone willing to give it their best shot. Kindness, honesty, a sense of adventure (zip lining sounds fun lol), and a sense of humor. I'm glad you've found someone who is a good match and wish you happiness together.
Thank you, and you are welcome, and I might write a book someday, and I'm glad some of the stuff resonated for you. I can only speak from the path I am on, sometimes it helps, sometimes it don't.
*shrug*
Gotta say it was unreal how much I grew and discovered about myself as a person, between spring of 2015 and today, during my dating journey. I had some connections I COULD look back on and call failures or mistakes (many people seem to do so, of any relationship that comes up short of "happily ever after") but those were the ones that taught me valuable life lessons and things about myself, so I just can't look at them that way. Life's a journey...not a destination. Try to have fun.
Since you mentioned kink, I will say...personally I don't like fetlife as a dating site. Which is kind of odd for me to say, since the wonderful man I have now, our first contact was his message to me on fetlife. But I was part of the local kink scene here, and so was he, and he came out to an event at a bar to meet me shortly after he first made contact. And he did not pursue love or a relationship with me, only a play partner at first. Most of the messages I got from people on FL were pushy or inappropriate, and immediately ignored. Regarding communities that one can find, some are better than others. I am fortunate, and I don't take mine for granted. I have been attending and volunteering at a dungeon/private club/art gallery space for some time and the people there are lovely and kind, and like family to me now. Some places make it hard or expensive to get in, some are more elitist than others, some are sketchy or sleazy. Mine isn't any of that. I am lucky. Some people shun the communities and prefer to operate outside of them on their own, and that's fine, too...personally I prefer the safety and support of a social network. Guess bottom line, if you decide to fish in that pond, all the safety stuff I said plus like an extra dose of caution, is worthwhile.
And from one cat person to another? My gentleman and I joke that he is only my top. The cat is actually my Dom.
I met my current husband on Match, but had used POF too.
It's a way to meet people, good people, bad people, and everything in between. You will probably get the infamous D pic at some point, guys who are wildly inappropriate, etc.
Just ignore it and concentrate on the normal guys.
Use standard caution as you would meeting anyone you don't know.
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Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
372 posts, read 390,076 times
Reputation: 812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Thank you, and you are welcome, and I might write a book someday, and I'm glad some of the stuff resonated for you. I can only speak from the path I am on, sometimes it helps, sometimes it don't.
*shrug*
Gotta say it was unreal how much I grew and discovered about myself as a person, between spring of 2015 and today, during my dating journey. I had some connections I COULD look back on and call failures or mistakes (many people seem to do so, of any relationship that comes up short of "happily ever after") but those were the ones that taught me valuable life lessons and things about myself, so I just can't look at them that way. Life's a journey...not a destination. Try to have fun.
Since you mentioned kink, I will say...personally I don't like fetlife as a dating site. Which is kind of odd for me to say, since the wonderful man I have now, our first contact was his message to me on fetlife. But I was part of the local kink scene here, and so was he, and he came out to an event at a bar to meet me shortly after he first made contact. And he did not pursue love or a relationship with me, only a play partner at first. Most of the messages I got from people on FL were pushy or inappropriate, and immediately ignored. Regarding communities that one can find, some are better than others. I am fortunate, and I don't take mine for granted. I have been attending and volunteering at a dungeon/private club/art gallery space for some time and the people there are lovely and kind, and like family to me now. Some places make it hard or expensive to get in, some are more elitist than others, some are sketchy or sleazy. Mine isn't any of that. I am lucky. Some people shun the communities and prefer to operate outside of them on their own, and that's fine, too...personally I prefer the safety and support of a social network. Guess bottom line, if you decide to fish in that pond, all the safety stuff I said plus like an extra dose of caution, is worthwhile.
And from one cat person to another? My gentleman and I joke that he is only my top. The cat is actually my Dom.
Best wishes.
Well, while that's not really my kettle of fish (sorry maybe I could have phrased my reply better, l meant I wasn't looking for either extreme lol, I'm pretty average as things go), I have had friends who were into that sort of thing, I think one friend (he unfortunately passed away fairly young) would have had a good laugh at the cat comment, he and his partner had an awesome cat.
And yes my kitty is in charge and doesn't let me forget it lol.
Location: In my cat's house, until she finds a better human servant
372 posts, read 390,076 times
Reputation: 812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
I was in your position, widowed at 40.
I met my current husband on Match, but had used POF too.
It's a way to meet people, good people, bad people, and everything in between. You will probably get the infamous D pic at some point, guys who are wildly inappropriate, etc.
Just ignore it and concentrate on the normal guys.
Use standard caution as you would meeting anyone you don't know.
Thanks, I'm glad to hear you had success. I appreciate everyone's advice. I've been going to more Meetups and am trying to fit in some other local social events. Hopefully I'll have success
And yes my kitty is in charge and doesn't let me forget it lol.
Let's take a look at this as a stand alone comment.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I met my current husband on Match, but had used POF too.
It's a way to meet people, good people, bad people, and everything in between. You will probably get the infamous D pic at some point, guys who are wildly inappropriate, etc.
Just ignore it and concentrate on the normal guys.
Use standard caution as you would meeting anyone you don't know.
Wait, so normal guys don't send those types of pics? doh!
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*shrug*
