Does a person's attractiveness influence how many deal breakers a man or woman will overlook? (how to, married)
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...They may have convinced themselves they'll never do better than the person they're with and that they should just be thankful this person wants them.
I have certainly fit this description in some past relationships, but I've been around the block an awful lot of times at this point, I'm older, and I've come to think more highly of myself than I used to.
Dealbreakers can be situational based on your feelings towards another. I'm pretty easygoing, accepting and willing to compromise and accomodate a lot. I can't think of any official dealbreakers I have, come to think of it.
I guess a person who is consistently unkind to others, or is usually miserable, or someone with a serious alcohol or drug addiction. Thinking on it, those are all that come to mind. A person's inner beauty outstrips the impact of their external beauty to me. Looks have never been a major factor to me.
I have avoided dealing with some bad traits based on attracTION-not attractiveNESS-to me it isn't the same.
The worst sex of my life was with a young beautiful man. We didn't do it a second time it was so bad. I still liked him so we just tried to be friends, didn't work, he just is not a quality person.
My problem - if I'm really into him I forget stable adult qualities are required (for awhile). And I do think you can love people but it doesn't mean you should have a relationship with them necessarily.
I don't care how hot someone is, for me personally, the "hotness quotient" is only effective for the first 6 to 8 months. I've never remained influenced by a strong sexual attraction/physical attraction beyond that point so, yes, initially I would suspend "some" deal breakers if the individual was very hot but, once that initial appeal wears off, all bets are off! On the other hand, regardless of how "superficial" it sounds, you could walk on water but if you don't turn me on, it ain't happenin.
To pretty much every part of what you asked, my answer is "it depends."
If we are talking about just physical good looks, that is not a serious factor for me. I wouldn't put up with anything because a person is good looking. Looks are just a pass/fail for me, if you are so incredibly awful looking that the idea of you touching me makes me cringe...I mean, really extreme...then I'm gonna have to decline. If you pass, then you go on to round 2 of my considerations. I would not ever partner with someone for sex or a relationship only based on their looks. We have to have a conversation, and they have to pass that test, too, and not put me off in some way. During the conversation, I am getting a feel for them, and can usually tease out hints about if they are some kind of an addict or have some kind of life drama I want nothing to do with, and then there are mannerisms that can put me off, and they have to be fairly intelligent and interesting. All of that, I am FAR more discriminating about, than I am looks.
So if we get through all that stuff and wind up having sex, then if the sex is really, really good...I will put up with practically any kind of relationship shape (FB, FWB, etc) if I can keep on getting the fun stuff. I don't consider it abuse if a man wants to have sex with me without commitment, if I'm willing to do that with him. I'll put up with a lot of questionable quirks (seriously, a mannequin in the living room...why?) and even some frustrating incompatibilities...to a point. But the odds of the sex being THAT good, are very very slim. In fact, I'm pretty much describing one person. He wasn't that amazing to look at (pretty average middle aged dude), but my word was he fun in bed.
Now you might consider it superficial or desperate, to place importance on that in the grand scheme of things...but when it is so rare to find someone who is so perfectly matched to your sexual preferences and desires, if you've had enough "meh" partners and then find one that knocks your socks off...you kind of want to keep that going. I like to think that I would not have put up with ABUSE from him, or serious bad treatment, but we never really formed a serious relationship thing...we were FBs and he treated me as such, and I was ok with that. I am kind of glad that he didn't want a real relationship with me then, because I doubt if it would have worked out.
A Ferrari Testarossa is more expensive to buy and keep than say a Toyota Camry. From a "practical standpoint" it's not as good a car, in terms of being an appliance to move your rear from A to B.
Yet, there are people who consider that Testarossa to be the much better deal.
And so it is with relationships. For me, in my single days, the only "nuclear" dealbreaker was/is "Childfree". You got baby rabies, no matter how hot you are, you are going over the side, and right now too.
When you consider dating someone there is a huge list of pros and cons, in some cases the pros vastly outweigh the cons.
It's not necessarily shallow, it could be any type of trait that makes up for the others.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
To pretty much every part of what you asked, my answer is "it depends."
If we are talking about just physical good looks, that is not a serious factor for me. I wouldn't put up with anything because a person is good looking. Looks are just a pass/fail for me, if you are so incredibly awful looking that the idea of you touching me makes me cringe...I mean, really extreme...then I'm gonna have to decline. If you pass, then you go on to round 2 of my considerations. I would not ever partner with someone for sex or a relationship only based on their looks. We have to have a conversation, and they have to pass that test, too, and not put me off in some way. During the conversation, I am getting a feel for them, and can usually tease out hints about if they are some kind of an addict or have some kind of life drama I want nothing to do with, and then there are mannerisms that can put me off, and they have to be fairly intelligent and interesting. All of that, I am FAR more discriminating about, than I am looks.
So if we get through all that stuff and wind up having sex, then if the sex is really, really good...I will put up with practically any kind of relationship shape (FB, FWB, etc) if I can keep on getting the fun stuff. I don't consider it abuse if a man wants to have sex with me without commitment, if I'm willing to do that with him. I'll put up with a lot of questionable quirks (seriously, a mannequin in the living room...why?) and even some frustrating incompatibilities...to a point. But the odds of the sex being THAT good, are very very slim. In fact, I'm pretty much describing one person. He wasn't that amazing to look at (pretty average middle aged dude), but my word was he fun in bed.
Now you might consider it superficial or desperate, to place importance on that in the grand scheme of things...but when it is so rare to find someone who is so perfectly matched to your sexual preferences and desires, if you've had enough "meh" partners and then find one that knocks your socks off...you kind of want to keep that going. I like to think that I would not have put up with ABUSE from him, or serious bad treatment, but we never really formed a serious relationship thing...we were FBs and he treated me as such, and I was ok with that. I am kind of glad that he didn't want a real relationship with me then, because I doubt if it would have worked out.
I understand most of the things you said in bold. I may agree with some of it, but, I wish I didn't.
This is why, sadly, I think I really don't want to be in a relationship with any guy any more. Because...no matter how much a person ticks your boxes and how normal they appear to be, there will *always* be something wrong with them on a serious level. Well, not always of course, as there will be some exceptions. But, 90% of the time, most people are NOT relationship-material and NEVER will be.
I've read all of the posts on this thread and they're very interesting and thought-provoking. In reality, physical looks and sexual attraction are truly SO deceiving...it's a trick...it's the ultimate deception...because it preys upon a human's basic instinct - sex.
If a person is strong enough though - spiritually and physically - then this deception won't work. There are people out there that know this - and they're strong enough to resist this deception and can see it coming a mile away. I hope one day to become one of those intelligent and perceptive people.
The flip side of that though is if you are with someone that you are not attracted to or not sexually compatible with, how long do you want to be in that relationship? Yeah it's the right thing to say that looks and sex doesn't matter, but to most people it does. And a big reason why relationships break off, is because the attraction isn't there or the sex isn't there and/or not really good. Not one person is perfect, and not one relationship is perfect either. It's up to the individual to decide what is most important to them and what they are willing to overlook and compromise with in finding that right relationship.
But, 90% of the time, most people are NOT relationship-material and NEVER will be.
What???? Come on ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by AprilFlowers17
In reality, physical looks and sexual attraction are truly SO deceiving...it's a trick...it's the ultimate deception...because it preys upon a human's basic instinct - sex.
If a person is strong enough though - spiritually and physically - then this deception won't work. There are people out there that know this - and they're strong enough to resist this deception and can see it coming a mile away. I hope one day to become one of those intelligent and perceptive people.
I have seen you mention God on here before, so I guess you are a believer on some level. If that is true, then you should be open to the idea that physical attraction is part of His plan for procreation. It's not deception or a trick; it's the basic catalyst for human life.
Of course, discernment is required to be sure that attraction is not the ONLY factor we consider when choosing to partner up with someone. There is even scripture in 1 Samuel that deals with this, and Paul talked about how beauty fades, but enduring beauty comes from the heart.
Most of the Bible is trying to remind believers that point: "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."
So rather than taking a stance of fear and pessimism, I would encourage a more open outlook that will help you physically AND spiritually.
Or:
Last edited by BirdieBelle; 08-29-2017 at 07:06 AM..
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Come on ...
It's not deception or a trick; it's the basic catalyst for human life.
