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Old 09-01-2017, 05:59 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61

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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
From what you've shared, he doesn't seem to be terribly concerned about you. I would definitely see that as his loss of interest in the relationship. The question is, do you feel you deserve to be treated better than how he treated you? Maybe that's the conversation you need to have with him, provided he is still interested in you at this point.

Based on what you've shared about being so emotional, and that you're accused of being into drama, let me address this. You said that people ask about how you are doing, and then they don't like your answers (I'm paraphrasing here). In my experience, people don't like to stick around friends who feel like a chore.

It isn't wrong to share complaints or negative experiences, but bear in mind that if that is the direction a lot of conversation with you goes, people will be turned off. For each negative story you relate, you should balance with about 7/8 stories which are positive or neutral. Otherwise, people will see you as a task or cross to bear instead of a peer/friend/lover/etc.

I do feel like i deserve better. If he doesn't care about me as much as he used to then he should say and we can part ways. I do deserve better. To not visit your SO when she's out of hospital?

I can understand that. But either i tell my friend how im feeling or i don't. There's no point someone saying they here for you and you can talk to them if they only want to hear the good parts. Personally i do understand that but it seems to me that when my friends need me to listen im always there. Whether its full of bad news or good news. Why can't they do the same for me? That's no friendship if you can't fully listen to your friends when they have bad news. Even if they are going through a tough spot continuously. Im there to listen. its the least i can do. i expect the same back. Then again not everyone is like me so i guess it is what it is.
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Old 09-01-2017, 07:56 AM
 
35,522 posts, read 17,818,962 times
Reputation: 50529
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasHold'em View Post
I do feel like i deserve better. If he doesn't care about me as much as he used to then he should say and we can part ways. I do deserve better. To not visit your SO when she's out of hospital?

I can understand that. But either i tell my friend how im feeling or i don't. There's no point someone saying they here for you and you can talk to them if they only want to hear the good parts. Personally i do understand that but it seems to me that when my friends need me to listen im always there. Whether its full of bad news or good news. Why can't they do the same for me? That's no friendship if you can't fully listen to your friends when they have bad news. Even if they are going through a tough spot continuously. Im there to listen. its the least i can do. i expect the same back. Then again not everyone is like me so i guess it is what it is.
Are you saying here that you are going through a tough spot "continuously"? Trying to get clarity.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:03 AM
 
Location: South Bay Native
16,226 posts, read 27,352,516 times
Reputation: 31493
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasHold'em View Post
I do feel like i deserve better. If he doesn't care about me as much as he used to then he should say and we can part ways. I do deserve better. To not visit your SO when she's out of hospital?

I can understand that. But either i tell my friend how im feeling or i don't. There's no point someone saying they here for you and you can talk to them if they only want to hear the good parts. Personally i do understand that but it seems to me that when my friends need me to listen im always there. Whether its full of bad news or good news. Why can't they do the same for me? That's no friendship if you can't fully listen to your friends when they have bad news. Even if they are going through a tough spot continuously. Im there to listen. its the least i can do. i expect the same back. Then again not everyone is like me so i guess it is what it is.
It seems like you kind of missed my point. If your friends frequently listen to you harping about everyone and everything that crossed your path, they will develop an immunity to sympathize with you. It is like the forming of a blister on your heel - it keeps rubbing the wrong way, and the heel sprouts a bubble to insulate from the wear. The point is, 'whether it's full of bad news or good news' works when it's not always one or the other. The Pollyanna effect can be just as tiresome as someone who is a Debbie Downer.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:24 AM
 
24,541 posts, read 18,118,486 times
Reputation: 40231
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasHold'em View Post
we are both 22, me older by 2 months. it is common sense. and you're Griffis. I should focus on myself.
There's your answer. At 22, he doesn't have a clue how to manage a successful long term relationship. Like most 22-year-old males, he's a self-centered man child because he's never had the life training to know any different. A few words about the family he grew up in might explain some of it. A lot of male children don't have a great role model and were very indulged growing up.

You have a few options:

Deal with it until you can't take it any longer because it's unlikely to change until he gets kicked in the teeth a half-dozen times with failed relationships.

End it now and find yourself an adult to date. That probably isn't another 22-year-old. Learn something from your "practice" long term relationship about picking better next time.

Personally, it took me decades of failed relationships before I finally figured out that putting the other person first as much as I can is the formula for a successful long term relationship. I also worked out how to screen for the personality and behavior traits that I need in someone to make a relationship work. I don't think I was quite as self-centered as what you're describing but I was way more about 'me' at 22 than I am now many years later.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:26 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Are you saying here that you are going through a tough spot "continuously"? Trying to get clarity.
Yes iam. But i fight my way out of it. The reason im still here today is because i've always looked after myself alone. And things have affect my childhood im dealing with now and dealing with it as best as i can. I think what im trying to say is no matter what my friends need from me im there for them, but when it's my turn i get the "you're a dram queen" card. But was i not doing the same for them. That's what gets to me. That when im there for them im all in, despite dealing with my own issues. I put them aside and help anyone i love as best as i can.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:28 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
There's your answer. At 22, he doesn't have a clue how to manage a successful long term relationship. Like most 22-year-old males, he's a self-centered man child because he's never had the life training to know any different. A few words about the family he grew up in might explain some of it. A lot of male children don't have a great role model and were very indulged growing up.

You have a few options:

Deal with it until you can't take it any longer because it's unlikely to change until he gets kicked in the teeth a half-dozen times with failed relationships.

End it now and find yourself an adult to date. That probably isn't another 22-year-old. Learn something from your "practice" long term relationship about picking better next time.

Personally, it took me decades of failed relationships before I finally figured out that putting the other person first as much as I can is the formula for a successful long term relationship. I also worked out how to screen for the personality and behavior traits that I need in someone to make a relationship work. I don't think I was quite as self-centered as what you're describing but I was way more about 'me' at 22 than I am now many years later.
ACtually he was in a 3 year relationship a year before he was with me. Also he lives with both his parents. He has a great role model. i do see where you're going thought.

I agree. Thank you, i see what you mean.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:31 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
It seems like you kind of missed my point. If your friends frequently listen to you harping about everyone and everything that crossed your path, they will develop an immunity to sympathize with you. It is like the forming of a blister on your heel - it keeps rubbing the wrong way, and the heel sprouts a bubble to insulate from the wear. The point is, 'whether it's full of bad news or good news' works when it's not always one or the other. The Pollyanna effect can be just as tiresome as someone who is a Debbie Downer.
No i totally get your point. This was brought up to me by a friend a while a go. Thats why im saying i learned to keep my **** to myself. Like i've said already what irks me is the fact that my friends expect me to be all in when they need me and iam, i'm a loyal person. But when i need them, they dont give back as much. I've learned to know what to say to them and what not to say. But what im saying it's not much of a friendship if i can vent to my friends and they just listen. But they need me...im there.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:34 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
It seems like you kind of missed my point. If your friends frequently listen to you harping about everyone and everything that crossed your path, they will develop an immunity to sympathize with you. It is like the forming of a blister on your heel - it keeps rubbing the wrong way, and the heel sprouts a bubble to insulate from the wear. The point is, 'whether it's full of bad news or good news' works when it's not always one or the other. The Pollyanna effect can be just as tiresome as someone who is a Debbie Downer.
For example, my friend hd recently broke up with her boyfriend of 9 months. I spent my first year at uni helping her get through it, settling her head straight whenever she called me, being the messenger between her ex and her, staying on the phone with her for hours whilst she repeated the same thing over and over again. I never once complained because i felt glad to help. But whenever i've called her about an issue, she has always either told me she'l call me back, if she does its for 15 mins, or she doesn't. I was always the one to message her to see how she was.

Hope that helps.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:37 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasHold'em View Post
Yes iam. But i fight my way out of it. The reason im still here today is because i've always looked after myself alone. And things have affect my childhood im dealing with now and dealing with it as best as i can. I think what im trying to say is no matter what my friends need from me im there for them, but when it's my turn i get the "you're a dram queen" card. But was i not doing the same for them. That's what gets to me. That when im there for them im all in, despite dealing with my own issues. I put them aside and help anyone i love as best as i can.
It's very hard to judge whether how accurate the drama queen label is when people apply it to you.

Because you know how you INTEND things to come across, you tend to only see them that way: "I'm loyal! I'm a great listener! I'm always there for them!" But because you are not on the receiving end of interactions with you, it's harder for you to understand how you are actually coming across.

The point about the "drama queen" label is that it's about attention, and you've even exhibited those tendencies in the short time you've been here, begging people to reply to this thread and redirecting people in another thread to come to this one. Most posters don't do that.

There must be a reason it keeps coming up.

You may be a good friend, but you have to understand that you are checking off a LOT of the boxes in the "drama queen" description.

Fortunately you had a kind neighbor who helped you through a very difficult experience. Unfortunately your boyfriend fell short of your expectations. So drop him. Move on and focus on continuing to work on your own issues.
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Old 09-01-2017, 08:41 AM
 
Location: London
65 posts, read 32,431 times
Reputation: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
It's very hard to judge whether how accurate the drama queen label is when people apply it to you.

Because you know how you INTEND things to come across, you tend to only see them that way: "I'm loyal! I'm a great listener! I'm always there for them!" But because you are not on the receiving end of interactions with you, it's harder for you to understand how you are actually coming across.

The point about the "drama queen" label is that it's about attention, and you've even exhibited those tendencies in the short time you've been here, begging people to reply to this thread and redirecting people in other threads to come back to this one.

There must be a reason it keeps coming up.

You may be a good friend, but you have to understand that you are checking off a LOT of the boxes in the "drama queen" description.

Fortunately you had a kind neighbor who helped you through a very difficult experience. Unfortunately your boyfriend fell short of your expectations. So drop him. Move on and focus on continuing to work on your own issues.
I see. So maybe i should tone down the way i say things?


The reason i redirected people to this thread ( and i only did this once because you're making it seem like i begged on all threads) was because i needed someone to talk to, to just give me a little more advice on the situation. and i have gotten that advice.
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