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Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,222 times
Reputation: 1525
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356
Sure, but that can happen even if they aren't married to each other any longer. I don't get this notion that you have to be married to each other for the children. Both parents can end up getting a divorce, and still be in the kid(s) life.
If you wait till the kids are out of the house to move on,you could be waiting a very long time.
I wholeheartedly agree. Just because someone isn't "happy" doesn't mean they should just walk out on their committments. You know, "In sickness and health, till death do Us part, as long as we both shall live."
I don't believe one should cut and run just because they are not satisfied sexually everytime, sorry I don't. You don't cut and run simply because your spouse gained weight after having your kids.
!
That saying about until death do us part That saying probably created when people lived until like 45 years old and didn't have cars to get out of their own community. Those words don't translate well into the present world.
And SPouses that gain serious weight should be looking to lose that weight too. If I find a woman at 150lbs, and 5 years later she's 2 bills, that's not the person I married. Thats literally a whole new person and I'm out!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
If people would actually pay attention when they are choosing a partner, almost all of this wouldn't be happening.
Yeah but people change. Even years into a marriage. You could marry someone with strong religous beliefs like you and then 5 years later, they have an epiphany and want nothing to do with church, God, ect...
These things happen
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redraven
IMO, based purely on personal experience, staying together "for the sake of the children" is quite likely the stupidest thing parents can do! Do you REALLY think that your child(ren) will not notice the venomous atmosphere of dislike, tension, and possibly verbal and/or physical abuse?
My mother stayed with my drunken, abusive stepfather for several years "for my sake".
Exactly. Kids or no kids, people have a right to their own happiness.
In my mind, things are pretty well over. We've talked about counselling, but I think it would just be delaying the inevitable. Harsh as it sounds, when you boil it all down I just don't want to be married to her anymore (or anyone! at least for a long while). As much as I do love her, we've both grown into two people that don't really work as a couple. So now the issue in my mind is when and how to handle it as gently and gracefully as possible, for her sake and especially our child's.
If that is where you are at, rip the bandaid off and move on. Just don't expect future relationships to be any better. Long term relationships take work to last. Therapy can be a great help when both are willing. Short of that, you aren't doing you, your wife or daughter any favors. If you are certain it's over, end it.
If that is where you are at, rip the bandaid off and move on. Just don't expect future relationships to be any better. Long term relationships take work to last. Therapy can be a great help when both are willing. Short of that, you aren't doing you, your wife or daughter any favors. If you are certain it's over, end it.
But do you really want somebody to stay and want you when they have to be talked into it by a therapist??
But in the OP's case he doesn't just want to leave the marriage to be happier, he wants to move thousands of miles away from his special needs child (he did not mention wanting full custody and taking her with him.) That's a whole different ball of wax.
Yes that is so true also.What I don't understand is why did they move far away from family and friends to begin with unless it had to do with a great job opportunity at that time.But yeah...he is talking about wanting to move back to where his family and friends are and not even thinking about how much harder it will be for the wife to be dealing 100% with their special needs child alone without his help.That part is him being selfish.He should still end the marriage BUT stay in close proximity to the woman and their child so that he can be their to help with the caring of the child.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 1 day ago)
35,582 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50618
Quote:
Originally Posted by jacktravern
That saying about until death do us part That saying probably created when people lived until like 45 years old and didn't have cars to get out of their own community. Those words don't translate well into the present world.
And SPouses that gain serious weight should be looking to lose that weight too. If I find a woman at 150lbs, and 5 years later she's 2 bills, that's not the person I married. Thats literally a whole new person and I'm out!!
Yeah but people change. Even years into a marriage. You could marry someone with strong religous beliefs like you and then 5 years later, they have an epiphany and want nothing to do with church, God, ect...
These things happen
Exactly. Kids or no kids, people have a right to their own happiness.
Is that really your experience? Because it isn't mine. I have many friends who have happy lifelong marriages, and some friends who have divorced. In no case have I ever been surprised. Yeah, I'm not surprised that couple is still married after 40 years, they're genuinely matched and get along well. Yeah, I'm not surprised that couple divorced, what in the world were they thinking when they got married?
So let me ask you this. Do you know any couples who divorced that really surprised you - that you couldn't have told them they were making a mistake before they walked down the aisle? For me, the number is literally zero surprises.
And on the last bolded part, IMHO, when you have kids, you turn in your card to "the right to your own happiness at their expense". Now, you're responsible for the well being of your children and responsible not to run away from them and leave them bereft and stranded, pursuing your own selfish happiness.
Is that really your experience? Because it isn't mine. I have many friends who have happy lifelong marriages, and some friends who have divorced. In no case have I ever been surprised. Yeah, I'm not surprised that couple is still married after 40 years, they're genuinely matched and get along well. Yeah, I'm not surprised that couple divorced, what in the world were they thinking when they got married?
So let me ask you this. Do you know any couples who divorced that really surprised you - that you couldn't have told them they were making a mistake before they walked down the aisle? For me, the number is literally zero surprises.
And on the last bolded part, IMHO, when you have kids, you turn in your card to "the right to your own happiness at their expense". Now, you're responsible for the well being of your children and responsible not to run away from them and leave them bereft and stranded, pursuing your own selfish happiness.
Nobody should stay in an unhappy marriage, but I do agree that you should absolutely not abandon and leave your kids and go out of state/country. At least stay somewhat in the area and be involved in their children's life. If they're an adult child, then maybe that's another story.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 1 day ago)
35,582 posts, read 17,927,273 times
Reputation: 50618
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356
Nobody should stay in an unhappy marriage, but I do agree that you should absolutely not abandon and leave your kids and go out of state/country. At least stay somewhat in the area and be involved in their children's life. If they're an adult child, then maybe that's another story.
I disagree. If you are bored in your marriage and not getting enough sex (as the OP), you married the wrong person and that's completely on you. COMPLETELY.
And now, it's completely on you to be pleasant and make life easy for your kids and not make them suffer because you chose the wrong partner.
Otherwise, parents who believe this will move on and find new sex partners and create new families and the kids will be basically "guests" at their mom's house, and their dad's house.
If you married badly, paste a smile on your face and get through it until your kids are adults, unless you married SO BADLY that law enforcement needs to be called to file felony charges.
Because that's adulting. That's how you act like an adult. If you've created a baby, your life is focused on them now, not yourself.
I disagree. If you are bored in your marriage and not getting enough sex (as the OP), you married the wrong person and that's completely on you. COMPLETELY.
And now, it's completely on you to be pleasant and make life easy for your kids and not make them suffer because you chose the wrong partner.
Otherwise, parents who believe this will move on and find new sex partners and create new families and the kids will be basically "guests" at their mom's house, and their dad's house.
If you married badly, paste a smile on your face and get through it until your kids are adults, unless you married SO BADLY that law enforcement needs to be called to file felony charges.
Because that's adulting. That's how you act like an adult. If you've created a baby, your life is focused on them now, not yourself.
If the kid is a baby, kid or teen, then you should not abandon them (going out of state/country, etc). We agree there.
However, it seems we're an impasse with everything else. If the marriage is really over (after trying to work on things), then it's over. Nobody should stay in that sort of situation, and I don't really care what you think about that. Life's too short to be miserable for the rest of your life. And like I said, you can still be divorced, and be in the child's life. No suffering would happen.
You also seem to forget that there are people out there that pull a bait and switch once married. For example, their sex life could be amazing pre-marriage, then once married, one partner suddenly decides they don't really want sex anymore. This happens numerous times. Not to mention, sometimes people change within a marriage. Not always anybody's fault.
Plenty of parents find new sex partners and have new families. It's called life, and it happens.
Just because you're an adult and have kids, doesn't mean your own complete happiness goes out the window. You might believe in that, but me and numerous other people don't. Now, that doesn't mean completely neglecting your responsibilities, but that doesn't mean just putting aside your happiness either.
Last edited by NewYorker11356; 09-02-2017 at 09:35 PM..
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