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Here's how I see it, after reading your post, OP. You got used to being approached in HS and college. So you still expect to be approached. You got used to a passive role, because you were getting enough attention without making an effort.
But that was then, this is now.
Circumstances have changed. Now, you need to step up to the plate. Work on being more outgoing. This will take effort, it will take pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. But when you're outside of your comfort zone is when personal growth happens. But in order for that to work, it seems you'd have to lose some of the cynicism & the snobby vibe. Women love an outgoing, fun type, or a bubbly type. Cynicism has no place in that formula. Or, alternatively, women simply like guys who listen to them, and are attentive. You could probably muster that, but the problem is--how to break the ice? You have to develop the ability to make clever or intriguing remarks, to break the ice. Easier said than done, I know.
A good way to start would be to practice chatting random people up in public, like at the cashier line at the store, at a concert, whatever. Just push yourself to make small talk, no matter how ridiculous you feel. Do this until it becomes second-nature. Then, once you get comfortable with it, practice on women in your age range at the store. Anonymous randoms. Just practice being friendly. If you stumble, no harm done, because you'll never see her again.
Report back to us.
Yeah...thats about right. I used to just stand there and attention would come to me...and now it doesn't. But I'm basically finding out my inherit personality and demeanor is toxic to women and at 24 I need to transform to another person to attract them. Idk why the biggest sin you cannot commit to females is basically being quiet but....geez.
I've heard that advice before but I fail to see how chatting random helps with women you're attracted to. I'm not like socially awkward. I have no issue talking to my male friends or making small talk in daily situations. I'm not that guy that can only discuss his only bloated hobby and is completely inept at conversation.
Thing is for whatever reason females never give me any signs of interest and with how uptight many of them seems a cold approach is out of the question. I don't think many people factor in how being a six foot three black guy alters the situation.....
Thing is for whatever reason females never give me any signs of interest and with how uptight many of them seems a cold approach is out of the question. I don't think many people factor in how being a six foot three black guy alters the situation.....
I may be asking for the moon here, but IMO part of your problem is that you look for signs of interest, instead of creating your own buzz that draws people to you. Again, easier said than done, right? And yeah, if you're tall and imposing-looking, you really will have to learn to smile, and to be disarming. Humor helps. Self-deprecating humor helps even more. Is it possible to transform a personality? Well....it depends on how badly you want it, how motivated you are.
I guess you don't have any sisters? How about female cousins? Anyone who could help you work on this?
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thelambofdeth
To what?
Yet females fawn all over pretty boy models who look more feminine than they do...and go on and on about mysterious guys who don't say much.....
And softening up isnt as easy as its made out to be. One of my friends I usually go out with is very charming, outgoing and approachable and people like that always think it's easy for someone else to be the same. Like I'm naturally a serious, introvert so it's hard for me to be open or just randomly smile like a stooge.
No, they don't. Girls, not women, like men who act and look like girls, because it's so much less intimidating than the masculinity of real men. Idols of teenage girls are always very effeminate/girlish. David Cassidy, Donnie Osmond, Shawn Cassidy, the Backstreet Boys, Justin Beiber, Hanson, all look like girls.
Grown women go for men who look like and act like men. George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford. I'm naming men from my generation, there are others from yours. But the story still holds. Women don't like men who are prissy about their appearances.
Randomly smile like a "stooge"? Are you kidding? See, there's the problem right there. You ARE sarcastic and acerbic. Smile like a stooge? It's true that women are attracted to quiet mysterious men, but that's if the men look pleasant and open. Not like they're just about to say something rude and cutting.
No, they don't. Girls, not women, like men who act and look like girls, because it's so much less intimidating than the masculinity of real men. Idols of teenage girls are always very effeminate/girlish. David Cassidy, Donnie Osmond, Shawn Cassidy, the Backstreet Boys, Justin Beiber, Hanson, all look like girls.
Grown women go for men who look like and act like men. George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford. I'm naming men from my generation, there are others from yours. But the story still holds. Women don't like men who are prissy about their appearances.
Randomly smile like a "stooge"? Are you kidding? See, there's the problem right there. You ARE sarcastic and acerbic. Smile like a stooge? It's true that women are attracted to quiet mysterious men, but that's if the men look pleasant and open. Not like they're just about to say something rude and cutting.
OP, what's with the sarcasm and cynicism? And aloofness? What kind of a family experience did you have? Was there a nurturing environment? Any warm, fuzzy experiences you can recall, and draw inspiration from? Any good vibes you could seek to emulate? Maybe a cool uncle or elder who was fun and low-key, mellow? Any positive role model anywhere?
Do you want the ones who fawn, or who are kind of self-destructive, going for the tough guys? Or would you settle for any female, at this point? lol
We had a female member here a few years ago who was painfully shy as a teen and 20-something. She was attractive, blonde, but guys never noticed her, because she was a wallflower type. By her late 20's, she decided that "wallflower" wasn't working for her, and that she'd better make some changes. So she pushed herself to be outgoing and friendly. She really worked on it, even though it was very uncomfortable. It was a long process of coming out of her shell. She became a much happier person in her 30's, and became much more comfortable in social settings.
It can be done. If you feel like an idiot trying to smile, and hardly even know how, or when, to smile--how does this smiling thing work??!--consider getting some coaching. And I don't mean picking-up-women coaching, but more like help with general socializing, relaxing, putting yourself out there a little. Coaching in chit-chat, breaking the ice without being awkward, some role-playing with a counselor or coach who does that kind of thing.
It's not going to happen without effort, OP. You'll have to decide if it's worth it to you to make that effort. Consider it an investment in yourself.
I thought they were all the same lols
And that's REALLY different. All an attractive blonde female has to do is be present. If anything in most cases she'll get too much attention. People will hardly concern themselves about her social skills. A guy who doesn't seem welcoming is going to have a much harder climb.
No, they don't. Girls, not women, like men who act and look like girls, because it's so much less intimidating than the masculinity of real men. Idols of teenage girls are always very effeminate/girlish. David Cassidy, Donnie Osmond, Shawn Cassidy, the Backstreet Boys, Justin Beiber, Hanson, all look like girls.
Grown women go for men who look like and act like men. George Clooney, Tom Hanks, Harrison Ford. I'm naming men from my generation, there are others from yours. But the story still holds. Women don't like men who are prissy about their appearances.
Randomly smile like a "stooge"? Are you kidding? See, there's the problem right there. You ARE sarcastic and acerbic. Smile like a stooge? It's true that women are attracted to quiet mysterious men, but that's if the men look pleasant and open. Not like they're just about to say something rude and cutting.
I'm not...prissy. Like it obviously shows that I take care in my growing but some Jared Leto emulator. Besides again, as a six foot three black dude I think the last issue I'll have is looking too prissy. And I dress like a "man". High end suits and boots. Yet if I look too much like a "man" then I'm threatening....
And yeah like I just don't naturally smile if someone says something funny I'll laugh but just idly smiling isn't something I can do.
And that's REALLY different. All an attractive blonde female has to do is be present. If anything in most cases she'll get too much attention. People will hardly concern themselves about her social skills. A guy who doesn't seem welcoming is going to have a much harder climb.
There are plenty of women who struggle just as much. Being present did nothing for her, through her teens and 20's. Even in her 30's, she found that she had to make the effort; she had to appear approachable, and be friendly and chatty, and seem welcoming.
So...make yourself welcoming. Ditch the cynicism. Channel your inner Teddy Bear. If you don't have an inner Teddy Bear, make one up. Or get help with melting your inner ice man, and warming up.
Don't you have any women cousins to talk to about this? Or an uncle?
I may be asking for the moon here, but IMO part of your problem is that you look for signs of interest, instead of creating your own buzz that draws people to you. Again, easier said than done, right? And yeah, if you're tall and imposing-looking, you really will have to learn to smile, and to be disarming. Humor helps. Self-deprecating humor helps even more. Is it possible to transform a personality? Well....it depends on how badly you want it, how motivated you are.
I guess you don't have any sisters? How about female cousins? Anyone who could help you work on this?
Ummm shouldn't dressing really well be enough to create my buzz? What should I do? Light a flare? Thing is females always complain about creeps cold approaching them out of the blue, I try the inverse and it's just as frowned upon. I try hunor but my sense is dark or dry and they just get offended and take it personally usually.
And I have a sister but her advice is usually counter- intuitive.
You and almost every man has this issue, Lol. Have you been living under a rock?
Even if you did smile more and developed a more outgoing personality, do you think women will just suddenly start throwing themselves at you? LOl. I dont think so
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