My best friend and my boyfriend HATE each other...what to do??? (dating, girlfriend)

[hollygolightly]

My boyfriend and one of my dearest friends in the world are at odds with each other. The friend who I speak of is a gay guy. I wonder if my boyfriend can't stand him because he is male, and he is so close to me. On the other hand, I wonder if my friend can't stand my boyfriend because he thinks he has taken his place as the closest male in my life. They have never even met each other! And, don't want to, I might add, because they have already decided to hate each other. What do I do??? I am NOT going to drop either of them in my life.

If I could just get them in the same room together, granted, they might not be best friends, but maybe they could like each other a little bit? Or, at least, understand that both of them are a huge part of my life. Do you think???

[MaggieZ]

Neither has reason to dislike the other, let alone hate one another. It's a territorial thing maybe but they need to resolve it and you should tell them that you don't have plans to remain in the middle of their problem. The problem is theirs, not yours and why should you suffer, they need to do the grown up thing and be civil for your sake, if they care about you, they will.

[hollygolightly]

Originally Posted by MaggieZ

Neither has reason to dislike the other, let alone hate one another. It's a territorial thing maybe but they need to resolve it and you should tell them that you don't have plans to remain in the middle of their problem. The problem is theirs, not yours and why should you suffer, they need to do the grown up thing and be civil for your sake, if they care about you, they will.

I agree 100%. It definitely feels like a territorial thing, I just want everyone to get along. Honestly. And I have my friend saying he won't come visit my new home, because he thinks my boyfriend is homophobic. Which is not true, I wouldn't be with him if he were! Grrrr....

[MaggieZ]

Then your friend needs to do some thinking because, honestly, I don't think you can force them to get along and may have to make a choice between the two...It's not fair at all to you because you didn't start this. Yet you're being put in the middle. I'd give them an ultimatum and if your friend decides to not make peace, then he's not the person you thought he was. Sorry to be so bold, it's not intended to hurt your feelings.

[hollygolightly]

Originally Posted by MaggieZ

Then your friend needs to do some thinking because, honestly, I don't think you can force them to get along and may have to make a choice between the two...It's not fair at all to you because you didn't start this. Yet you're being put in the middle. I'd give them an ultimatum and if your friend decides to not make peace, then he's not the person you thought he was. Sorry to be so bold, it's not intended to hurt your feelings.

Thanks for your response, it makes sense if my best friend could just enjoy me being with him, as a friend. Also, my boyfriend "gets" me most of the time, so why can't he be content with that?

[The Man in SATX]

Sounds like esteem problems here.. An ultimatum is probably where this is going to end up at.. not sure how long you have been dealing with this but that ultimately is where it probably will go. I would think that if your BF knew of your friend he would have came into this relationship with eyes open...

[miu]

It sounds like a territorial issue to me. And I think that your boyfriend might be the type of straight that thinks no man can be trusted to be a best platonic friend to his girlfriend, not even if he was gay. And you can take that as a compliment. I've seen this sort of friction even when the best friend was a female.

I think that basically, don't count on any chummy threesomes. Make sure that you have your separate quality time with your gay friend. Meanwhile, it will be a chance for your boyfriend to hang out with his best guy friends. It's sad, but at the same time by choice I prefer to keep some of my friends separate from each other. I find that with some friends, I just prefer our alone time together. Mix them all up in a group and the wonderfulness of our friendships get diluted.

Also relax. Love your boyfriend because he is perfect for you. You don't need the approval of your friends in your choice of boyfriend. Likewise, you don't need your boyfriend to tell you how wonderful your best gay friend is. And if you need a confidante to talk to about your boyfriend, your gay friend will always be on your side and not feeling caught in the middle which might happen if he got along too well with your boyfriend.

[hollygolightly]

Originally Posted by miu

It sounds like a territorial issue to me. And I think that your boyfriend might be the type of straight that thinks no man can be trusted to be a best platonic friend to his girlfriend, not even if he was gay. And you can take that as a compliment. I've seen this sort of friction even when the best friend was a female.

I think that basically, don't count on any chummy threesomes. Make sure that you have your separate quality time with your gay friend. Meanwhile, it will be a chance for your boyfriend to hang out with his best guy friends. It's sad, but at the same time by choice I prefer to keep some of my friends separate from each other. I find that with some friends, I just prefer our alone time together. Mix them all up in a group and the wonderfulness of our friendships get diluted.

Also relax. Love your boyfriend because he is perfect for you. You don't need the approval of your friends in your choice of boyfriend. Likewise, you don't need your boyfriend to tell you how wonderful your best gay friend is. And if you need a confidante to talk to about your boyfriend, your gay friend will always be on your side and not feeling caught in the middle which might happen if he got along too well with your boyfriend.

Very good points, you're right about my boyfriend not being able to see any male friend as platonic. He has said as much, even though I can't wrap my mind around the concept of being in a non-platonic relationship with my friend (neither could he, I'm quite sure). I think you hit the nail on the head!

I'm pretty sure you're correct that there will be no "chummy threesomes." I guess I just wanted some comfortable middle ground. But you are so right about alone time; it wouldn't be "girl talk" if my boyfriend were there!!

[Tzaphkiel]

I think it's common for there to be a "rivalry" between best friend and sweetheart. I have found it to be WAY exacerbated when they are same gender.

As a gay woman, when I was dating a woman, my best friend at the time was a straight woman and there was all sorts of rivalry and jealousy and competing for my attention and bad-mouthing each other. It was strange and bizarre, and I had never encountered that when I was in the hetero world. I felt like I was in this tug of war and they were trying to "outdo" each other.

DO NOT try to get them together, get them to like each other, anything like that. Losing battle and not your place. They are grown-ups they get to pick their friends who they like and don't like and it is NOT YOUR PLACE to interfere in that or push them one way or the other.

Be aware of (and beware of) how you enjoy the attention, how you encourage or discourage the rivalry, how you play them against each other, including how you try to "get them to like each other." I'm not saying you do any of those things, but it's useful information to take note of. It can be a heady place to be the center of all that attention but can also lead to some really unhealthy behavior and damage to both relationships.

So as best you can keep them separate, including not talking about one to the other if it is a source of friction. They are in different roles, and as such each have their own place. Also it got really old after awhile. They each had valid things to say about the other, but some things a person doesn't want to hear and it damages the relationship.

"Can't you see she's a loser?" "Can't you see she's not treating you right?" No one really likes to have their sweetheart bad mouthed by their best friend. And really if someone is jealous for attention it is about a level of immaturity and insecurity on their part. It got really old really fast.

[miu]

About four years ago, my boyfriend and I made a impromptu visit to CA to surprise a good friend for his 21st birthday party. His girlfriend had planned a small gathering at a restaurant. Anyway, also there was her best friend, a gay male. We all gave the birthday boy a lot of attention, but his girlfriend seemed kind of distant from the group and spent more time being close to her gay friend. It was definitely a platonic friendship, but I remember that my boyfriend and I found her actions odd. Perhaps she wanted to make sure that her gay friend was having a good time also. But everyone in the group was friendly to him so he should have felt comfortable talking to us. This girlfriend and her gay friend seemed way too close and they had a closer bond that she had with her boyfriend. Our friend seemed oblivious to the other two being closer. He wasn't the jealous or territorial type. About a year later, she broke it off with our friend.

Of course it's always great if our friends and family approve of our s/o's. But not all combinations of friends mix well with each other on a regular basis. You should be able to count on your best friend and your boyfriend being civil to each other on occasions like if you were having a big birthday gathering.

And how would you feel if one of them called you up, the other one answered and they got all wrapped up in conversing with each other and forgot about talking to you? Or if you wanted to tell your best friend about a funny thing that happened to you, but he interrupts and says that your boyfriend already told him that story? I know that I would be a little bothered by that. lol