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We all do things when we're young, and still actually children, that we would certainly would not do when we're older. I did.....so....as long as we learn from our mistakes....
and yeah, my ex's wife, is really none of my business....and when I remember how mentally controlling he was, I honestly am glad she took him away....so to speak, actually he may have lied to her and told her he wasn't married, who knows, but I do know that mutual friends of ours had told, me they were shocked when he showed up at their house with her...and they knew then, that he was running around.
Sorry about the decent comment, I apologize...
at the time, they (my ex and his now wife) were both in their late 40's early 50's.
I'm too tired to do the math this morning. LOL
as far as the kids are concerned, I still suggest, that something needs to be done if their situation is that bad...they have to be priority above and beyond any relative. Because if they are experiencing any kind of abuse, it can and most likely will effect them later on in life.
Regarding your apology, it's ok, I understand what you meant and didn't take it personally. I'm just of the "people do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons" camp. I try not to judge. Maybe that's been my downfall, not judging people when perhaps I should have! Who knows?
I sometimes wish my ex husband had cheated on me, especially at the end, I wish he'd had someone else and left me and was with another woman...for my own sake. That is selfish me talking. Because my continued fear and dread of him, is because he has failed so spectacularly to find love after me, he is bitter and miserable and hates women and blames me for all of his pain and loneliness. He thinks that you get a woman to create your happiness for you, and then he drains them dry like a black hole sucks up the light.
I am scared of him, because he clings to his misery and cannot "move on" because he is still alone. Knowing I have found plenty of love and happiness since we parted just makes him angrier. He thinks I deserve to suffer, and I am stubbornly refusing to suffer.
But on the other hand...I'm glad in a way that he isn't subjecting another woman to the torment I suffered. Guess I kinda wish he'd find a woman who was just as much of a mess as he is, and maybe they could "deserve each other?" I don't know. Maybe not.
Regarding your apology, it's ok, I understand what you meant and didn't take it personally. I'm just of the "people do all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons" camp. I try not to judge. Maybe that's been my downfall, not judging people when perhaps I should have! Who knows?
I sometimes wish my ex husband had cheated on me, especially at the end, I wish he'd had someone else and left me and was with another woman...for my own sake. That is selfish me talking. Because my continued fear and dread of him, is because he has failed so spectacularly to find love after me, he is bitter and miserable and hates women and blames me for all of his pain and loneliness. He thinks that you get a woman to create your happiness for you, and then he drains them dry like a black hole sucks up the light.
I am scared of him, because he clings to his misery and cannot "move on" because he is still alone. Knowing I have found plenty of love and happiness since we parted just makes him angrier. He thinks I deserve to suffer, and I am stubbornly refusing to suffer.
But on the other hand...I'm glad in a way that he isn't subjecting another woman to the torment I suffered. Guess I kinda wish he'd find a woman who was just as much of a mess as he is, and maybe they could "deserve each other?" I don't know. Maybe not.
He sounds mentally disturbed....and wants everyone to break down to his level, which makes him feel like a better man.
funny, how one can be in an abusive relationship and not realize it....and it didn't start until after we were married, it was all done so sublimitally...(spelling)
We would be leaving to go somewhere, and when we got out to the stop sign, he'd say, "Which way do you want to go?" and I'd motion, that way, and he'd go the opposite way.
He always went away, but wouldn't take me along. He'd go on hunting & fishing trips, got involved with all kinds of outside activities...wouldn't allow me to go anywhere...once a neighbor said to me, "you have a path to work and to the grocery store, and that's it.
after I left him, I found out he was slipping me some over the counter sleep aide in my ice tea. He'd always ask me if I wanted something to drink, and they knew him very well down at the bar.
He cut off all my friends....one time I went to a movie with a friend at work, and he was so nasty to her. But his friends were welcome to our home. He'd fight and complain whenever we got ready to go spend time with my family, and it just became easier to not go, wasn't worth the fuss. They cut off any network of support you have, so they have full control.
Also found out that he was running around even before we were married....his best friend told me, to get out, and not go back until he could treat me the way I deserved to be treated. So did his own sister.
He was awful....and if I hadn't found out he was running around, I'd still maybe be there.
When I had the first MS attack, before we knew what it was, he went to a neighbors house, and literally cried his eyes out, while I was in the hospital. He kept saying it was all his fault. So he knew what he was doing....
they drain you of all strength....an emotional vampire.
It was awful, I couldn't do anything right, he'd complain about everything I did, even the laundry.
\I remember walking thru the house one day, thinking, "I'm so sad and lonely!"
Hello everyone --
I have read thru the thread and not sure if my experience can help some one to decide what to do? For I am not professional in dealing with domestic issues nor to give advice. I can just give a shortened version of my life with --what I feel, believe? living with a narcissist.
We met, I fell in total love and we married six years later. He was awesome to my son from a previous marriage and he seemed to have a great sense of responsibility, maturity, etc.
What he had problems with -- I came to find out later -- was how to feel love. Share his feelings of love and caring with another. Feel what others might be feeling? F E E L . . .
We became pregnant three months after getting married. He moved from his parents (he was 32) home into my apartment with my son and I. I was blissfully happy. My 'happy' little family together - what more could I desire? I would work until the last month of my pregnancy. And stay home to raise the children I gave birth to. I made him aware of this early on in our dating ritual. And emphasize how important it was for me to be with the kids. I missed my son growing up. I had to be at work while he was shuttled to gramms, aunts, etc.
During our dating ritual, BF was very attentive. Little gifts hidden in my car or delivered where I work. Roses. Perfume. Jewelry. The lavish dates - the weekend get aways. I was under his spell. I just couldn't really get him to commit in any way. There were HUGE RED FLAGS popping up everywhere around this guy. But my insecurities and lack of self esteem resulted in my not heeding any warning signs the universe was showing me.
We had many arguments - I found out he was calling a"friend" of mine that I concluded had her own problems with nymphomania. I couldn't introduce her to any guy I had an interest in, for she would quickly swoop in. (Her story was he overpowered her. took advantage. basically "raped" her. Not only my boyfriends - but the cloth diaper delivery guy, the telephone guy...and many others) She was married with two kids and had a VERY young "boytoy" down the street. THAT IS PLENTY TO KEEP HER BUSY!! Sheesh.
I forgave his part in this. I looked away. He said "we only talked." I was in denial. For some reason, I had to have a total relationship with this guy. So I basically told her she could have my old boyfriends, my ex, this one is mine...and two years later I am married to him.
AND TRAPPED!
He never came home after work...claimed his side jobs were really taking up more time. Special quiet alone dinners turned into massive arguments when he walked thru the door at 9pm after telling me he would be home by 7pm.
On and on. This scenario played out too many times to mention.
I would sit in the living room at times and just cry. For hours. By myself. What a mess. (I can change this/him. I can! I can reach him!! I will. over and over I told myself - reassured myself - I have the ability to get this heartless man to feel something. no tearful pleading reached him. no heartfelt words he could hear. he would always come back with well, "I have to work. I have to wash my car during the event of family coming over for a celebration. I I I me me me my car, my job, my life, my hunger -- ME,MEMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME)
The pregnancy continued and I signed us up for lamaze/birthing classes. I would look around and see the daddies being attentive and soothing the moms, asking questions. Rubbing bellies. Taking part in the whole wonderful happening.
Except for my guy. My daddy to be. He was rolling his eyes, rubbing his head - repeating how tired HE was. How hard HE worked that day. I came away feeling total rejection and ignored while constantly asking why didn't he find it interesting at all? It was almost as if he had been through the classes so many times - it was just boring to him. Didn't the prospect of our baby interest him at all? Gosh, the memories of that awful time...
(Upon pressing him for info after a huge yelling match, I asked him why he even bothered to have any type of relationship with me? WHY DID HE BOTHER??!! His reply, "my dad told me to move out and you had an apartment."
Oh. Well. That explains it. Did I mistake the money and time and lies from him as love and affection? Yes. BECAUSE I WANTED THAT SO I MADE IT SO. He needed a place to move his stuff into -- and there I was. And I could cook.
I knew in the back of my mind this wasn't healthy. But I kept on keeping on. If I were to leave the awful thing, I would lose my daughter in court he threatened for he had the money, the mom to step in to babysit, and I wasn't willing to call his bluff.
My son, as well, had gone thru some really bad times with HIS dad and new stepmom. So, I made the decision to be mom AND dad to those kids. Keep my dreams, desires, wants etc on the down low and put ALL OF MY ATTENTION ON THESE TWO HUMAN BEINGS THAT WERE THE PRIORITY NOW. They didn't ask to be put into this sick soup. They were/are really great people. Of which I am very proud. *for my son it's from afar...that is a whole nother story and I can't even think about that now. He's married. Has a child. all is good.
Through the 30 years of that awful thing, I can say the kids did pretty well. I tried. It even looked good for most and I came out just looking like a complainer. That was fine.
I was in ** zombie mode ** until my daughter gave me information on narcissistic behavior/relationships. And the following year I filed for divorce. Being the guy he is it took another four years AFTER the divorce to extricate myself and tie up all the court filings and goings on.
WHEW. Now I am left with the task of healing. I have isolated myself from friends and family and I trust no one but my pet and my daughter. I am going to research PTSD and how prisoners of war re-built their lives. I really don't know how to do any of this.
Finally: ME ME ME
I know it will take time. I am fine that he found a new victim while we were separating *the courts allowed him to live in the house during the divorce proceedings. My daughter was living there, too. Those are also some of the worse memories I have. I feel bad for all females that is caught up in this man's awful illness. But his new replacement has lots of money and that is what he loves most. A match made in - somewhere. I just hope for the best for her. He did report to my daughter that he needed someone to help him with the house. Clean. Run to menards...etc., etc., etc. (Suffice it to say my daughter wants nothing to do with him. He was unfeeling toward her, too)
Yes. I am happy I got away. Now, to rebuild and get me whole again.
I'm sorry you were made to experience this....very sorry, it's very tough, and the more people you speak with, the more you realize, all of these people run a pattern....some are worse than others, but they usually can be filed under emotional abuse.
I suggest counseling to anyone who has gone thru this. Spent a lot of my time blaming him, actually hating him, but then on a vacation, it came to me, that "wait a minute, why did I chose someone I didn't deserve?"
Went to counseling for a long time and loved it...she helped open up some very important deficiencies within....and how this came about...
It usually, not always but usually stems from childhood, perhaps an abusive parent, whatever....and you don't feel like you deserve better.
but the important thing is, is, to find out why we chose someone so abusive.
I saw flags but ignored them, and after we were married his true persona came out....
there is much much more, that I don't wish to go into....but, the important thing is, "We got out, and we don't need to be in a relationship to be successful, we don't need to be married to be taken care of, we can take care of ourselves perfectly well.
Once I got it together, I had been alone for a while, and didn't desire to be tied down any longer, and set off to see the world, so to speak....lol
I have a relative who was in an abusive marriage for over 30 years, both emotional and physical abuse. The abuser was a drunk, and a name-caller who used his "superior" intellect to bully and intimidate my relative on a daily basis - he also did this to other people, which resulted over time, in losing all of his friends as well. He also hit, and on one occasion, kicked my relative in the head while she lay on the floor. He broke another relative's wrist while she was visiting the couple as well. That man was a nasty, vile, evil monster, and I was glad when he died. I remember visiting my Mom for a holiday, and my relative was supposed to be there too, but was really late getting there. When we called her house, the abuser told us that there had been an accident and that she was dead - then he hung up. Who does that? My Mother and I NEVER understood why she stayed with him - there were no children of the marriage. Our (Mom's and my) motto always was "Touch me once mister, and you'll draw back a nub", and boy howdy, we meant it!
I can't go piping up but trust me, it gets BETTER!!!! because it would seem like I am minimizing their experience (and sometimes it doesn't get better).
That's what makes this SUCH a complicated topic to discuss, and why well-meaning people who drone on and on about their experiences believe they are trying to be helpful but actually end up hurting others and setting back their recovery. I know someone like this who never misses an opportunity to "share" without regard for the aftermath.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
...that I know of ...
I think this ^^ is the key phrase in your post, as evidenced by others who admit that they were blindsided by their trauma.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
In the aftermath, I also had to deal with being angry with myself for letting that happen and letting it go on so long.
I don't have any family members who have been DV victims, but I do have a couple of friends. This ^^^ has been the hardest thing for those friends ... because they can get away from the abuser but they still have to live with themselves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missy2U
I have to go now - this whole thing is getting very upsetting.
Thanks for the reminder, Missy. We ALL need to take care with this kind of topic.
I doubt I can be the only one.. obviously I didn't look back through all pages of posts here but I did look and didn't see this brought up. If you have are you able to tell some of your story, what happened and what helped or didn't help you in the aftermath of it all ( if it ended), also if the law was involved or etc??
Don't get married to them.
Most people say "get out right away blah blah blah." It's not that easy. Family is usually the first you could or should be able to turn to and then go from there.
I'm sorry you were made to experience this....very sorry, it's very tough, and the more people you speak with, the more you realize, all of these people run a pattern....some are worse than others, but they usually can be filed under emotional abuse.
I suggest counseling to anyone who has gone thru this. Spent a lot of my time blaming him, actually hating him, but then on a vacation, it came to me, that "wait a minute, why did I chose someone I didn't deserve?"
Went to counseling for a long time and loved it...she helped open up some very important deficiencies within....and how this came about...
It usually, not always but usually stems from childhood, perhaps an abusive parent, whatever....and you don't feel like you deserve better.
but the important thing is, is, to find out why we chose someone so abusive.
I saw flags but ignored them, and after we were married his true persona came out....
there is much much more, that I don't wish to go into....but, the important thing is, "We got out, and we don't need to be in a relationship to be successful, we don't need to be married to be taken care of, we can take care of ourselves perfectly well.
Once I got it together, I had been alone for a while, and didn't desire to be tied down any longer, and set off to see the world, so to speak....lol
You are so right! I hit every narcissist blog and info site I could find. It was unreal. In every story I felt I was reliving my nightmare.
Counseling has been helpful. I would love to find a nice group to attend.
The thing with him - is I thought I had met the best! For six years he kept the attention going strong. I mistook the "ritual" for love. But I do recall moments we would be out and I felt as if I were some type of bauble or something he was showing off. I never really felt secure or that he would defend me if needed. If the ship was sinking, I was ON MY OWN sort of feeling. Then it was basic desertion after the wedding. No more presents. No more roses. Zip.
That's where we have something in common: "...after we were married his true persona came out."
I am adjusting and learning. Sometimes I sink into a big hole and wonder why? But I look at pix of the kids when they were little and the big smiles and they were somewhat shielded from that. And they knew there was love from me and I know they love, too. That is the best that came out of all this.
THanks for your sharing. ((((hugs to us))))
It will be a loonnggg time before I even date. I have alot of work ahead of me
The thing with him - is I thought I had met the best! For six years he kept the attention going strong. I mistook the "ritual" for love. But I do recall moments we would be out and I felt as if I were some type of bauble or something he was showing off. I never really felt secure or that he would defend me if needed. If the ship was sinking, I was ON MY OWN sort of feeling. Then it was basic desertion after the wedding. No more presents. No more roses. Zip.
^^^^ This....absolutely the very same....
Quote:
I am adjusting and learning. Sometimes I sink into a big hole and wonder why?
I believe for a couple of reasons, for me, slipping into the big dark hole of grief, was a grieving for the person I thought he was. It is a huge empty hole, a loss not to be ignored. I describe it, like a death...because that person is gone forever...but we have to come to grips with the fact that (he never was)
I was also grieving for the couple I thought we were...but I'd replace those thoughts with the reality, that he was none of the things I thought he was. I've always said to others, "you never realize, who you were married to, until you divorce", then that nasty person comes out.
He was dating his now wife, and yet, warned me & swore, he'd never ever give me a divorce. He said, if he couldn't have me, no one else would. He even threatened suicide. He wanted his way....see I left him and that killed him. He lost control...
I blocked his telephone number. All he wants to know, is if he still had it with me. But, he doesn't and hasn't since before I left him. (My counselor helped give me so many answers) She was awesome. The day she said, "you don't need to come here any more, I was so shocked and sad, b/c she helped show me such an awakening, so many positive things about myself. I missed her.
After that was when I really started venturing out, going on Weekend getaways, movies, restaurants, boy, I started to really enjoy life....and kid you not...one day I was sitting on my porch. It was a warm morning, the sun was mid way up and shone all around me, and I once again, noticed colors, like I hadn't seen in a long long time....the grasses were so bright green, flowers so brilliant and colorful....it was like I had waken up from a nightmare.
Also, remember, the disloyalty you described above, when you knew, he never had your back, that jumps out at you and feels like someone tore your heart out...the pain inside, was for me sometimes unbearable...but again, to realize, and know full well, that he wasn't the person he pretended to be, you have to go thru a mourning period for the loss of the person you thought you were marrying....your vows meant so much to you....and now you know what to look for...because your wiser, and more aware...don't ever fool yourself again, or misjudge that tiny voice inside that warns you. Trust in you! Never depend on another person, like that for your happiness. Make certain, you associate with people who you can trust your heart with.
The other reason is, we were "giving devoted wives", loved marriage, family meant so much to us....it is difficult to admit to ourselves that we made a big mistake, but, I believe out of all things, bad, comes good eventually....and just look at those kids...!
Remember, nothing is a waste of time, you learned from this experience....
Don't mistake your pain for an ending, but it is in fact, a beginning and new journey....be thankful that your out of it...and are free to chose...again...and when your ready, your choices will be much wiser.
(I can't speak for you, but I noticed, I was also gravitating towards the same kind of people and allowing them into my life, as friends, simply b/c I feared hurting their feelings, above mine)
One day a dear girlfriend woke me up and said, "When are you going to stop being a door mat" She was correct! Once you know self, and learn to love her, you will never again, compromise your identity for anyone. And saying no, will be a commodity to self.
I cut all toxic people who were so called friends, out of my life. It took years, but to do so also set me even more free. You just don't want or need the drama any longer.
and yes, (hugs to us) Sending you my best with lots of confidence in you, remember these words....
You have so so much to look forward to, continue to groom yourself and get ready for the next phase in your life....it's all a learning experience...this life is yours to enjoy. Life is, what we believe it is, and what we make it. don't dweal on the past, forgive, but never forget. Tuck it away someplace in case you need those memories for future reference...
Last edited by cremebrulee; 09-22-2017 at 05:43 AM..
Wmsn4Life: Regarding lingering effects and being blindsided by trauma...
Yes, I certainly understand what you're saying...I just feel like I've got more tools in my toolbox now, for dealing with myself. I've become very good at processing. I've had to. I repressed most of my real emotions for 18 years, and after the breakup I felt like they all broke loose and I had to figure them out. In many ways, I felt like I'd frozen myself and stopped growing, at about 18 years old, and then, the clock started again but not at a normal pace, like I learned and grew so much in a short time. I don't know if that even makes any sense?
But like I have run into some emotional landmines, intense reactions to certain things, with triggers coded in my childhood, that I had these sudden moments of discovery about, and instead of doing what I'd done the whole time I was married, burying them and ignoring them, I had to think about and process them and grow.
At this point, I don't feel like PTSD is exactly accurate...I am just trying to shut down my defensive thinking mechanisms. I dwell on my ex too much, in terms of thinking of things he's said and conducting conversations at him in my mind. The attacker is no longer at the gates and I'm still fortifying the walls and drawing up diplomatic sanctions. I need to stop. Tends to get me when I'm showering or driving...those times you are kind of on auto pilot and your mind wanders. It's a bad habit I have to break.
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