Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I doubt I can be the only one.. obviously I didn't look back through all pages of posts here but I did look and didn't see this brought up. If you have are you able to tell some of your story, what happened and what helped or didn't help you in the aftermath of it all ( if it ended), also if the law was involved or etc??
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
One of my mother's exes was verbally abusive and aggressive towards me and her. A couple of times he threatened suicide when he didn't get his way with my mother, one episode resulting in the police having to remove him from the house in handcuffs. Another episode he chased us around our neighborhood in his car, requiring us to break every speed limit on the North side of Hampton Roads, VA to get away from him.
My mother mercifully put a protection order against him and filed for divorce after a year of marriage. Even my biological father, who wasn't exactly an involved parent, helped us out during the divorce whether it was letting us crash at his place or picking me up when I got scared.
Yes
However, she was barley five foot tall and 90lbs so the physical abuse really didn't amount to much to me. The things that came out of her mouth though...pretty disgusting.
The relationship only lasted a few months once she started showing who she really was to me.
I was. Because you asked, I'll try to tell the Reader's Digest version of my story, although I was a regular poster here at the time, and everyone got tired of hearing about it then.
I was 18 and he was 29 when we got together. He was a narcissist, but I felt I could "manage" him and for most of our relationship it was ok. We were together 18 years, with two sons. He got out of the military in late 2013 and started going nuts. Wouldn't work, just stayed home getting high and drunk all the time, and we had more and more episodes of violence. He would throw things, break things, attack our sons, threaten harm to himself and others. When we finally broke up, he held a loaded gun on me for hours while ranting and carrying on about how awful I was and how much I'd hurt and broken him and so on. (This behavior, according to him, is OK because "he was in a dark place" and "I should know he was only doing it for effect and would not have actually shot me.") In fact I did know that, but he was trying to manipulate and scare me, and that wasn't cool either.
Thing is...people will say things like, run, get out, call the cops, get a restraining order. They don't understand how it feels to know, "he'll just find me, come after me, shoot me, the cops or mental health people won't hold him for long if I get him locked up, when he gets out he'll be mad and he'll come after me, and he would never respect a restraining order." In the absence of any permanent solutions, I had to play the game on his terms...like trying to slowly back away from an angry predator. You don't make sudden moves. You leave, finally, when you feel SAFE to leave. When the time comes, you know. And besides, until he actually DID something, there was no grounds to have him arrested. It was my word against his, which only takes you so far. If pushed to do something that would get him in jail for any amount of time, that would cost someone's life, I was sure. So...through a ton of misery, fear, chaos, and crazy...I made my careful and patient way out.
What I advise, for anyone in an abusive situation, is to try and build a support network if possible. Abusers will often gaslight you until you don't trust your own choices or thoughts. If you have family and friends to reassure you, it helps prevent this confusion from twisting you up, and gives you the strength to work your way out, and people to help you if you need them. Yes, you do need to try and get away from the person, but I'll never be one to say that if you don't heed my advice and run for the hills, you deserve what you get. No one deserves abuse, ever. It is HARD to get out, sometimes. Seek resources, help, whatever support you can, though, and at least start working your way in that direction.
It took me a year to break up with him, another year to get out of his house, and yet another seven months after that for the divorce to be final. But my sons and I are out, and we're ok.
Another piece of serious advice is about the next phase of your life. You should take your time in whatever future relationships you form. Try not to rush into anything serious with anyone. Your next partner, you should probably take at least a year or two to get to know, before you combine your lives in any significant way, to make sure that you aren't bouncing into another problem relationship, and to take time to heal your inner damage enough so it doesn't make a mess in your next partnership. I don't think that one needs to not date, necessarily, just keep it at a safe distance and proceed slowly and with caution. Live independently for a while. Get counseling, write a journal, process your stuff...because after you escape an abuser, you WILL have stuff to process.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He was physically aggressive but not "violent" but highly manipulative.
It was awful. I have reached the point where I don't think about it every day anymore, and I have been away from him for about three years, but there are sometimes things that trigger me into thinking about it again. REcently today one of them happened.
Counseling helped, and getting away from it helped. It is the only way you will get clarity. If you stay they will keep maniuplating the situation.
As Sonic Spork said, it takes a LOT of processing. Drawing and painting helps me. And I do still have some situations that trigger me right away. Like little flashbacks and things.
Take your time. I don't have time to write more right now but I hope you are able to get the support you need.
Thank you to the few who responded, to be honest it is pretty concerning when a thread about tinder for example garners more of a desire or interest to respond than a thread on something as critical as domestic violence
Thank you to the few who responded, to be honest it is pretty concerning when a thread about tinder for example garners more of a desire or interest to respond than a thread on something as critical as domestic violence
Concerning? What were you expecting? Maybe it's a sign of good news, that few people here have personal experience.
Fortunately, I have not personally known anyone who has been involved in a domestic violence situation, so I did not reply. However ...
It's easy to talk about trivial things, like Tinder, but domestic violence is a very serious matter that deserves more than just the usual drive-by treatment you often get on general interest forums like this.
There are several online forums that deal specifically with DV.
Thank you to the few who responded, to be honest it is pretty concerning when a thread about tinder for example garners more of a desire or interest to respond than a thread on something as critical as domestic violence
I agree with Wmsn4life. Domestic violence is very serious and I usually don't respond to those threads because there are many layers involved that cannot be peeled away on an online forum quick enough.
I have never been in a domestic violence situation but I did suffer in my relationships. I got my starting point here on City-data but I was brave enough, and I guess wise enough, to ask the right questions. This allowed the right people to respond to my questions.
So as Blondiel said, get out of the relationship. That is the first step. The next step is to figure out how to avoid those relationships.
I doubt I can be the only one.. obviously I didn't look back through all pages of posts here but I did look and didn't see this brought up. If you have are you able to tell some of your story, what happened and what helped or didn't help you in the aftermath of it all ( if it ended), also if the law was involved or etc??
We accept domestic abuse, b/c somewhere along the lines of our childhood, we were abused by parents...sisters or brothers, etc....but someone planted a seed that represented us as being "worthless". You accept domestic abuse, b/c you don't feel you deserve any better.
In my case, my maternal mother did seriously damage any confidence, and if by chance confidence surfaced, she'd slam it right back down with hard slaps across the ears, that to this day, I can still hear my ears ring.
I remember being in my crib, and being slapped across the face....and believe me, this is true, b/c I asked her about it several years ago, and in shock, she replied, "you remembered that".
I believe she thought, love was shown by how much you hit someone.
so, fast forward to my husband, people who allow themselves to be abused, chose abusive spouces for lifetime mates. And we human beings will make all the excuses we can to justify to ourselves why we are still there.
Quit simply really, when you decide you've had enough, you'll leave....for me, he said to me, "if you ask me any questions, they will find you in peaces out front!" He had been abused by a step father, badly...and never touched me until after we were married.
I will tell you this....once they start hitting you, it gets worse every time...so get out while you still can, and immediately sign up for counseling, b/c you need to detox and rid your emotional hard wiring that you for some reason feel you deserve this....and only you can answer why?
Don't look back, don't collect $200.00...and if you have children, the longer you stay, the more chance your children will turn out to either be abusers themselves or choose people in their lives that they don't deserve. It runs an ugly pattern. So....you best be aware that not the law, not your parents, not any friend can help you, b/c each time he cries that he's sorry and he loves you and he'll never do it again, and you go back, you lose another loved one who used to care about you, meaning, they will grow sick and dog dead tired of you allowing someone to treat you this way.
Sorry to be so harsh, but you need to face the god awful truth without sugar coating before something very tragic happens to you or your children.
I blame myself, for my son's extremely abusive marriage...which I knew in the beginning, but lied to myself over and over again, telling myself it was all my fault...b/c he never said a word...and he took it for over 18 years. I feel very sad, and sorry for her, and I do hope I can rid myself of the anger I feel for her, which is actually misdirected anger...anger I feel for myself for even allowing him to grow up in a verbally abusive home.
So get out and get out now...
Last edited by cremebrulee; 09-15-2017 at 06:13 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
