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It just doesn't seem you two are compatible. This post I'm quoting just speaks volumes to me.
If anything materialized out of this with you and him, I'd be very shocked, lol.
I'm not asking if we are a good match, I'm just asking if these little flags are adding up. I'm trying to discern if my intuition is on pointe, or if I am overanalyzing.
I'm not asking if we are a good match, I'm just asking if these little flags are adding up. I'm trying to discern if my intuition is on pointe, or if I am overanalyzing.
While he might be trying to slightly manipulate you, I just think he's very awkward, lol.
Well, when you spell it out, it sounds like he may want you to be exclusive with him, because he's concerned about how far you're going with any of the other guys. But you've explained to him that this is your dating style--to take things slowly, while getting to know the guys. So he should trust that if you decide you're really hitting it off with someone, and they're dependable and into you, that you would call off the dating with everyone else, before diving into the deep end with your preferred guy. But he's not comfortable with trusting that.
Have any of the other guys mentioned exclusivity?
Yes, one, after about six dates. He is longish distance (2 hrs) and I said I wanted more face to face time and more frequently to really assess (we were averaging about once a month in person). He happily agreed and also said he felt I was being entirely reasonable. He has not put pressure on me the same way, in fact he hasnt mentioned it again.
We have been out a few more times sinceI then. I am going to be meeting his mom this upcoming weekend and I expect the pace to pick up with him as he is moving closer to me (not for me--for his job--but now we will only be about forty minutes apart).
I'm considering him for a relationship and feel that, if I meet his mom, see their relationship, and all that checks out, I might seriously consider it. But we have talked about most of the big things and I have grown more comfortable, not less. He's asked me a lot more questions than science guy.
I'm not waiting for him to be someone he isnt. I'm trying to discern if the signals he is sending are signals that indicate a pattern of red flags indicating controlling or abusive behavior, or if I am over analyzing. Basically if I am overreacting or not. .
I think you need to discuss with your therapist your inability to trust your own judgment. That's worrisome. I can see why you'd think you could be overreacting, but you've listed here quite a few incidents. And you're asking us if they're all insignificant, and you're misinterpreting? IDK, it seems that the sheer number of small (as well as at least one big) issues would speak for itself. At the very least, even if it doesn't mean he might be a potential abuser or controller, I think at this point it's pretty clear you two aren't compatible. You're not clicking, after 2 months of giving it a good try.
Again, how long do you want to drag out this painful process? It seems to be raising more questions for you, the longer it goes on, rather than resolving your concerns, and settling into a nice, comfortable thing. That, on its own, is significant. It's not something you can sweep under the rug.
This is one reason I like to take some time. These things don't show patterns unless you have been dating long enough for them to repeat themselves. I prefer this happens before being exclusive, not after.
I wouldn't wait to assess a pattern of orange or red flags. The avocado nonsense would have put me off immediately and wouldn't have bothered with another date, and same for the insistence on keeping interactions and the 'getting to know you' phase of dating surface-level. His pushy and odd behavior, coupled with everything else, would signal a nonstarter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inacitysomewhere
I'm not waiting for him to be someone he isnt. I'm trying to discern if the signals he is sending are signals that indicate a pattern of red flags indicating controlling or abusive behavior, or if I am over analyzing. Basically if I am overreacting or not. I really didn't like the insuinuation that he didnt trust "what i was doing" when not with me. First. Im not actually obligated to tell him anything unless he asks--and he already knows I am going out with others--and second, it implies that he doesn't find me trustworthy OR can be a red flag of abusive behavior, neither is good.
His behavior is off-putting. That's enough to determine it's a failed endeavor.
I wouldn't wait to assess a pattern of orange or red flags. The avocado nonsense would have put me off immediately and wouldn't have bothered with another date, and same for the insistence on keeping interactions and the 'getting to know you' phase of dating surface-level. His pushy and odd behavior, coupled with everything else, would signal a nonstarter.
His behavior is off-putting. That's enough to determine it's a failed endeavor.
For me, one or two things like that could just be 'odd'or awkward. The guy is incredibly smart, and is also an INTJ. They can be blunt people. So once or twice won't necessarily non-start since I know everyone comes with their quirks. But now I'm seeing more and starting to wonder if it's a problem of control.
I wouldn't wait to assess a pattern of orange or red flags. The avocado nonsense would have put me off immediately and wouldn't have bothered with another date, and same for the insistence on keeping interactions and the 'getting to know you' phase of dating surface-level. His pushy and odd behavior, coupled with everything else, would signal a nonstarter.
His behavior is off-putting. That's enough to determine it's a failed endeavor.
This. OP, a lot of women wouldn't have continued dating for weeks, and now--months. The fact that you've continued it this far most likely relates to your confusion about trusting your feelings. It's a symptom of your lack of trust in your gut reactions, due to past experience with an ex.
This. OP, a lot of women wouldn't have continued dating for weeks, and now--months. The fact that you've continued it this far most likely relates to your confusion about trusting your feelings. It's a symptom of your lack of trust in your gut reactions, due to past experience with an ex.
Good point. Though my at minimum to assess anyone is four dates. To see how consistent they are. But perhaps I should trust myself more too.
For me, one or two things like that could just be 'odd'or awkward. The guy is incredibly smart, and is also an INTJ. They can be blunt people. So once or twice won't necessarily non-start since I know everyone comes with their quirks. But now I'm seeing more and starting to wonder if it's a problem of control.
Refusing to share personal info with someone he's dating is not a "quirk". It's a deal-breaker. Or should be.
Refusing to buy a little side dish of avocado slices for one's date, when one is only splitting a main dish anyway, is not due to being an INTJ, or "awkward", or any other excuse you can come up with to dismiss red flags. It's being a jerk. He can afford the $1 side dish. He's simply unconcerned about making a good impression on you, and unconcerned with your enjoyment of the food/evening/his company. This could be his passive-aggressive way of taking out on you the fact that you haven't agreed to be exclusive with him.
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