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I found a psychology office with many female doctors. I sent them an email kinda explaining my situation. I received a call within 5mins and scheduled an appointment. I will be meeting with my Dr next Tuesday. We'll see what happens.
Nice
Just go one step at a time, OP.
Keep the focus on YOU and your goals for what you want your life to look and feel like.
So I found this song. It's definitely me.. And I can't stop crying.. Great song none the less. (here's the first verse)
Stubborn Love
The Lumineers
Lyrics
She'll lie and steal and cheat
And beg you from her knees
Make you thinks she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care
So I found this song. It's definitely me.. And I can't stop crying.. Great song none the less. (here's the first verse)
Stubborn Love
The Lumineers
Lyrics
She'll lie and steal and cheat
And beg you from her knees
Make you thinks she means it this time
She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair
But I still love her, I don't really care
I know that song. It is awesome.
One day, when you've had someone REALLY show you what love is, you'll look back and shake your head at this. PLEASE don't be distracted from the work on yourself by worrying about her. Right now she's a crutch for you. That's all. It may not seem that way to you, but it's true.
Through this process I predict she will show you her true colors. Just hang in there.
I haven't told her about my appointment yet. Do I tell her?
I don't know that I would.
It's not a secret, really, but this is something that you are doing for yourself, and sometimes the idea of therapy makes toxic people turn it up a notch or two.
She may react strongly to the idea that you might be talking about her with someone else, and start in on you.
When I said, "through this process..." I was referring to the process of ending your relationship. But at any rate, maybe keep therapy to yourself for now.
Me (32M) and my SO (29F) have been in a relationship for over 7 years now, and we've been engaged for nearly 5 years. Yeah, not sure why we never pulled the trigger on a wedding. I guess we both felt we were practically married already.
Anyways, about us. When we first met I was 25, she was 22. We both loved to party, we of course met in a bar. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship (5 years) and she was still in a relationship. She claimed to be single but was cheating on her coast guard boyfriend, i believe until he found out about me, which was a couple weeks after we met. His mom basically tried fighting her at a bar when she saw her with another guy (me). My SO told me she was crazy and they've been broken up. She really didnt tell me the truth until years later. Same for the anchor tattoo on her shoulder. She claimed it had nothing to do with him, but years later she finally told me it was for him after all.
Now I can go on for hours telling you about the lies. Truth is we were both damaged goods. I was ****ed up from my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was young, did drugs, and loved to party. The first couple years of our relationship was full of lies from her part, but we had so much fun together, she was sexy, and the sex was amazing. We fought to no end almost every weekend. We would come home drunk as ****, fight like crazy, goto bed. Then do it all over again. Sometimes I would wake up and she would be gone because her mom picked her up. Her family despised me.
Fast forward towards the middle of our relationship. The fighting has slowed down, but she still lies to me occasionally. The lies are usually small and pointless, but she'll lie just so I dont get mad about something. Then when I find out its a lie, thats when i get pissed. Our relationship is ok though.
Here we are now 7 years in. Sex happens about 1-2 times a month. We love each other still. We went through a phase where I was constantly rejected of sex. I would have to convince her to have sex with me. She's gained a bit of weight since we met, so she would blame it on not feeling comfortable in her skin. We'll the past 6 months shes been working out, feeling confident, posting pictures of herself. But the sex life has not changed at all. But the thought of being single scares me. We fought recently and she started looking at apartments to move out. When I found out my world came crashing down on me. I really didnt want to lose her.
I know it all sounds like our relationship is toxic to no end. But for the most part we really are best friends. I think we love each other greatly. We dont fight at all like we use to, but sometimes we both feel unhappy. Like now i've been unhappy, she can sense it, and instead of trying to show me love an affection. She starts showing distance, and pretty much waits for me to start being affectionate towards her. I guess i go through these motions. She asks me whats wrong, but I wont tell her. I dont like expressing my feelings to her. I feel like everytime I do she turns it around on me. So I ultimately avoid talking to her about my feelings, unless something is really bothering me. I also dont like talking to her about things because she always talks to her sister about everything. And I hate people know my business.
So something thats been bothering me recently is I feel like she may have cheated on me, but I have no proof and only speculation.
So I have a oddly close relationship with on my best friends. Its a "bro" thing I guess. Like we act gay around each other, ive grabbed his junk a few times lol. Its hard to explain but we are really close friends. My SO is very close to him as well. We always talk about his penis and shes even touched it (over his pants). We all laugh and its all fun. He would make comments like "damn girl you looking sexy" to her all the time. And it wasnt until recently I started feeling uncomfortable about it. I let her know, and all of a sudden he stopped doing it. I asked her if she told him anything and she said no. She told her sister how i was uncomfortable about it, and so Im sure her sister told him. My SO claims she knows nothing about it, but her and her sister talk about everything so im sure she lied to me.
Well one evening we were out on a boat doing some drinking. I got there late so they were all pretty buzzed when i got there. I took my own vehicle and had to go do something. She got in the car with my friend and he took her to her car. I knew they were together and took extra long to get to her car. I called and she didn't answer. I called him and he answered. I had a weird suspicion that something happened. But again i have absolutely no proof. And I never mentioned to her about this time because I know if do she'll just be like "seriously?? i would never do that"
So I know this what a whole lot of text. And I know this relationship sounds horrid. But I think both of us agree there is a problem, and both of us would agree would would rather be together, happily.
Im not really sure what answer im looking for, but I really needed to vent more than anything. I dont have anyone I would feel comfortable talking to about this.
OP, you have made a great decision to get an outside professional opinion, so don't involve the GF in any of that. You are looking for a reality check... so it makes sense to keep it in a vacuum, yes?
you should move on and start fresh with someone else, there are too many lonely women out there, and your local college has fresh women graduating every year.
those little lies, letting your friend call your girl sexy over and over, letting your friend give your girl a ride, no sex, playing wishy washy games. you and your girl touched your friends junk?!!!, too much of an emotional roller coaster, damn.
you are unsure of her, and have problems trusting her, and allow yourself to be placed in weird situations. a 5 year engagement is a long enough time to realize if you go forward, our retreat. this is lingering, and you still have mistrust.
start new, keep booze and drugs away from your life, learn from experience, especially this one. your friend probably did something with her, if you know your friend to have fast hands. how you can trust a drunk friend with your drunk fiance , is just freaking a freaking mistake waiting to happen! She may still have contact with her ex, or she would have removed that tattoo. and her family hates you for a reason. Does she keep contact with male friends, or male followers?
you are still young, make a lifestyle change, and be serious about getting engaged next time. being involved for a long time is not a reason for getting engaged. Dont bring you friends around your girl, they dont need to know each other. you either want to hang with the boys, or be in a relationship.
if you still want to be together, and she can commit to being serious, the one thing you MUST do , with her, is getting couples counseling, and commit to it. you both have to. some people just dont know how to respect or how to act in a relationship, no one gets this training. If she wont go, go on your own, and be ready for the next one.
Now I can go on for hours telling you about the lies.
What do you find attractive about a partner who lies to you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
But the sex life has not changed at all.
If a girl does not want to have sex with you, when once upon a time she did, this should tell you that she's no longer interested in having sex with you. I can only speculate as to why but I won't.
This is the downfall of most men. They will hang onto any toxic relationship due to their fear of being alone. This is not a good reason to hang onto anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
I know it all sounds like our relationship is toxic to no end.
It sounds like your more co-dependent but she also sounds co-dependent in this relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
but sometimes we both feel unhappy. Like now i've been unhappy, she can sense it, and instead of trying to show me love an affection. She starts showing distance, and pretty much waits for me to start being affectionate towards her.
Perhaps she's fed up with the expectation that she needs to coddle you when you're down and out...or she does not care to coddle you when you're down and out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
I guess i go through these motions. She asks me whats wrong, but I wont tell her.
Basic life lesson...no communication is a relationship killer.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
So something thats been bothering me recently is I feel like she may have cheated on me, but I have no proof and only speculation.
Speculation or a gut feeling?
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
He would make comments like "damn girl you looking sexy" to her all the time.
I had a weird suspicion that something happened.
Suspicion or a gut feeling? Always trust your gut feeling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
so im sure she lied to me.
I'm certain if you placed a bet on the fact that she lied to you...I bet you'd hit the jackpot!
Quote:
Originally Posted by wheresmypants
But I think both of us agree there is a problem, and both of us would agree would would rather be together, happily.
I don't like to speculate based off of only one side of the story but it does not sound to me as if she would agree with you. On top of that Co-dependent relationships are built upon illusion and are a merry go round of misery.
I would figure out why you are afraid of being alone...overcome this and I bet your world changes in wonderful ways you could only have dreamed of.
Last edited by Matadora; 10-03-2017 at 12:17 AM..
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