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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by DefiantNJ
Same for me. But I was also extremely resentful and angry that I was not getting anywhere with women even if I tried. Especially as I was watching my younger brother and a few friends dating and having sex without even trying hard. But once I realized that being angry about my lack of success with woman was about as productive as being mad at the rain or snow, I started working on my social skills. Using many of the strategies described in this thread. And I eventually got better...
Yeah, I was totally there to. I mean, I had a few girlfriends, but I was pretty angry and frustrated and one of those "I'm living in the real world, I see the BS, I'm not naïve like so many of you are who don't see reality" types. Ugh.
Go places and talk to women in person, and watch their expressions on what you say. It will help you learn what interests them and what turns them off.
Talk about anything around you, but do not get dependent on a result, you’re doing it to learn and deal with rejection.
There’s no magic formula that will make women like you right away, you have to earn the likes.
This is valuable info. Rejection is something you must accept. Even the 10/10 stud gets rejected a lot more than you think. Women are finiky and don't take it personally.
The way to get past the social awkwardness (aside from practicing with random women in stores/public, as earlier suggested), is to get involved in activities with women: team sports, hobbies, volunteering, Meetups, hiking or ski clubs, etc. Conversation flows more spontaneously, because you're sharing an activity together. You already know you have at least one interest in common. You're seeing the group regularly, so you have time to get to know each other gradually, and organically. It's the ideal strategy for shy people.
Agree with this. I'd also suggest taking classes. Even if you already have a degree, taking classes can put you in contact with more talking opportunities, which will lead to more dating opportunities. Classes that require team projects are the best for this. Small groups requiring interaction will force the conversation practice. Also, I believe all the local colleges and universities in COS have a higher female population than male.
So some brief backstory I used to really hate the fact that I could never get dates despite the fact I made good money and had a secure situation in life. I blamed women for my own shortcoming in the personality department. Now I have grown up so to speak and I don't blame monolithic groups for my own problems but the issue remains I can not get a date to save my life. Any tips I have tried many online dating apps and could never get the women to meet me in person.
I just started instagramming. Not really my thing to market myself. However. ... I get hit on left and right. Way more quality and better people than dating sites.
Take a few flattering pics of you doing something and put them there. Hashtag the crap out of it, build up a portfolio and start hitting on women who seem single and are near you. Make sure you put our city there.
I get weekly smileys and "hi how are you's" from people from all over. If I wasn't single, I would shut that whole instagram BS down because it is just too wild.
I just started instagramming. Not really my thing to market myself. However. ... I get hit on left and right. Way more quality and better people than dating sites.
Take a few flattering pics of you doing something and put them there. Hashtag the crap out of it, build up a portfolio and start hitting on women who seem single and are near you. Make sure you put our city there.
I get weekly smileys and "hi how are you's" from people from all over. If I wasn't single, I would shut that whole instagram BS down because it is just too wild.
Is there a way to find Instagram accounts by location?
We all have social anxieties and akwardness about us. Super easy to work on, it just takes time. Maybe start with going to parties thrown by people you know and make conversation with guests about how they know the host..and go from there. baby steps. The best men I met used to be super awkward men who grew out of it.
I disagree that social issues are necessarily super easy to work on. Or I could say they are super easy to work on, since I've been working on mine for nearly 50 years, but they're not super easy to eliminate or significantly improve. Not always.
A breakthrough in my current relationship came when my SO had a really awkward moment socially and described it to me in great detail, from the wave of emotion to the heart racing and shortness of breath to the thoughts of being inadequate. In her passion to describe it all, she said "I've never felt that awful. You can't imagine." I said, "I think I can."
I then reminded her of the note I had written to her early on when she asked me to describe how my social anxiety felt, how I thought about it, and the impact it had on my life. I described almost word for word what she described to me regarding her new, unique experience. She kept the note on her dresser as a sort of reference, so I picked it up and handed it to her. She read it and repeated one part out loud. "...Nearly every day, sometimes several times in a day when I attend a party or some business function..." and she paused.
"Is it still like this?"
"Exactly like that."
"Every day?"
"Every one."
"But you don't look like you're struggling or miserable or..."
"No, I've learned to roll with it for the most part. At some point I realized that I would never be at ease in most social situations, and that I'd always have really strong reactions in some. So I decided to do two things. First, I decided that I would limit my exposure when I needed to, without apology but accepting the consequences. That's what our early conversation was about. When I told you that sometimes I just won't want to go to, whatever, and you asked why. That's the note you're holding, the why. The second thing I did was to accept that this is who I am. I don't much like carrying this around, but what I really hated was feeling like I was broken and needed to be fixed. That weighed a fu***** ton."
Everyone does struggle now and then. We can all relate to that, and so it's tempting to think that people who really struggle socially are exaggerating the frequency or intensity of their struggles. I'm sure that happens, but in some cases people who assume that the "fix" is easy because they've dealt with similar issues are just wrong. Ignorantly and insultingly wrong.
I never asked for anything from my SO, by the way, other than that she accept me or not based on knowing who I really was. Her willingness to accept me as is has made it easier for me to be a bit more social than i was with my ex, for example, who wanted what she wanted and saw my stuff as a hindrance to her pursuit of all things her. So oddly enough, me and my SO treating me as a whole person who came with this issue, as opposed to a person who needed to be rid of the issue, has made a small but significant difference in my behavior, and a huge difference in my feeling known and accepted. Imagine that.
This is valuable info. Rejection is something you must accept. Even the 10/10 stud gets rejected a lot more than you think. Women are finiky and don't take it personally.
Couldn't agree more every man gets rejected... I usually just shrug it off with ease and approach another woman.
I never asked for anything from my SO, by the way, other than that she accept me or not based on knowing who I really was. Her willingness to accept me as is has made it easier for me to be a bit more social than i was with my ex, for example, who wanted what she wanted and saw my stuff as a hindrance to her pursuit of all things her. So oddly enough, me and my SO treating me as a whole person who came with this issue, as opposed to a person who needed to be rid of the issue, has made a small but significant difference in my behavior, and a huge difference in my feeling known and accepted. Imagine that.
It's truly amazing when that happens isn't it? It's love.
I'm still at the Apologetic Stage, I feel I have to explain why I need to leave, and that it doesn't have anything to do with that person, or why I can't do something, or 24 hours with one person, after I've been alone for so many years-- is just about my limit -- instead of being criticized and tried to be talked out of the way I feel, I was met with: "That's okay! You don't have to explain all of that, just as long as you come back."
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