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When he gets home later, how can I phrase to him that me being included is important to me in a way that he will understand? Because I know he thinks its really stupid, and since he doesn't agree he has a hard time understanding or listening. He does what he thinks is right by him, not by me or other people.
Is it really that big a deal though? He did include you, he just changed plans when you declined. This is NOT the hill you want to die on. Your problems are much bigger than this.
Next time you want to hang out with him, just say, OK, I'll join you, and do it. No drama.
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For example, he doesn't think being late is a big deal. He's lost a few friends over this and it took him years to understand that other people do not like having to wait for the "late friend." He just doesn't have a lot of understanding of others.
Not your problem and not something you can control for him. If he is running late, go ahead without him, no accusations, no drama. You're not his mom.
I am starting to see that you are not very independent, and perhaps overly sensitive to what you assume are signals from him. But I bet he is not as complicated and secretive as you think. Like most guys, he is probably pretty simple, and wants an easy life.
He did include you. You were the one who said you didnt want to go to dinner. It wasnt just him, he had plans with another couple. Do you want them to change their plans over you?
The dinner plans were never confirmed. The only thing we were all committed to was the game. My boyfriend then said he didn't want to go to dinner either, and that we would meet them at the game. That was as far as I knew up until last night, but then this morning he made the "hangout" plans without involving/communicating anything to me. He failed to communicate on so many fronts that I didn't even know he wanted to still do something before the game because he told me he didn't.
The dinner plans were never confirmed. The only thing we were all committed to was the game. My boyfriend then said he didn't want to go to dinner either, and that we would meet them at the game. That was as far as I knew up until last night, but then this morning he made the "hangout" plans without involving/communicating anything to me. He failed to communicate on so many fronts that I didn't even know he wanted to still do something before the game because he told me he didn't.
Oh dear. You couldn't have just said, "I'd like to come too?"
Is it really that big a deal though? He did include you, he just changed plans when you declined. This is NOT the hill you want to die on. Your problems are much bigger than this.
Next time you want to hang out with him, just say, OK, I'll join you, and do it. No drama.
Not your problem and not something you can control for him. If he is running late, go ahead without him, no accusations, no drama. You're not his mom.
I was simply providing an example of how he doesn't think about other people sometimes.
And yeah I agree with you that this isn't a huge deal, especially as an isolated incident, but it is a pattern now. We had a wedding a few weeks ago and he told me to be ready at X time but then in the morning told a different couple we would meet them at the hotel without telling me until after I woke up late, giving me like 45 minutes to get ready for something I didn't know existed.
I just noticed he kind of "does his own thing" and makes me feel excluded or uninvolved and also makes me feel ****ty for being upset about that. So I guess it's a weird problem. And I mentioned the late thing because I believe he does this because HE thinks its no big deal, therefore everybody should think its no big deal.
We had a wedding a few weeks ago and he told me to be ready at X time but then in the morning told a different couple we would meet them at the hotel without telling me until after I woke up late, giving me like 45 minutes to get ready for something I didn't know existed.
Well, why on EARTH did you rush? You could have met them later at the original time agreed.
Look. You must know that you have 2 choices. Accept his habits and work around them, or leave.
Unless you think that "talking" about it, crying and nagging will change him? It won't. He'll change himself, when it starts to affect him.
You are as much at fault as he is. You are not communicating, or you are not meaning what you are saying. You told him that you didnt want to have dinner beforehand because you wanted to study for a test. Then you said you would have been willing to hang out beforehand. That makes no sense. Either you need time to study or you dont.
Communicate without the drama. No one wants to hear that.
It what ways do either of you support the other in conversation when the person just wants an ear to listen? DO you actively listen?
Most times Each party has ways of tuning out and blindly making a remark...."not necessarily an empathetic response".
I once sat with a gal who said her BF didn't listen...and I said...hmmmmm.....ANd how are you doing in the way you convey yourself?
A dear friend taught me to accept that when I am having ( yes...I'm going to say it..) Irrational thoughts and behaviors...Its my responsibility to put them in check and find a good sounding board...Be it a friend or sometimes just Regrouping my wits. I usually "preface" my tirade with...Bare with me..as I weave thru this "moment". Then I proceed.
I absolutely adored my one boss....He had a knack for reading people....But man oh man...did he ever miss the mark in his responses. He just wanted to "fix" the problem without listening to the persons "whole" being.
I mean no disrespect to the scenario you described....I simply think whenever two or more persons are in conversation...each needs to re-examine their communication and behavior habits. ANd then...find ways to address it. I personally have to "take a moment" before inserting foot in mouth...Be I the receiver or the one doing the Spouting...
Two tips: (1) Own your feelings (2) Own your actions. This goes both ways....
Well, why on EARTH did you rush? You could have met them later at the original time agreed.
Look. You must know that you have 2 choices. Accept his habits and work around them, or leave.
Unless you think that "talking" about it, crying and nagging will change him? It won't. He'll change himself, when it starts to affect him.
Well how can I make it affect him? Because it's annoying for me. I'm tired of getting all upset because you're right, he's not going to change.
This happens when he's the one in charge of communicating the plans. When it's my friends and I invite him out, I'm very explicit about what's going on and there is never any confusion or arguing. It just seems that he has this "you can't control me" attitude and he privately communicates to his friends one thing, and then something different to me. When I ask to be more involved, I can tell he thinks it's about control and not me trying to avoid a headache.
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