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Old 10-15-2017, 02:37 PM
 
11 posts, read 4,458 times
Reputation: 15

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I'm 24F, he's 28M.

Lately my boyfriend will invite me to plans with his friends but not give me all the details or not include me in the planning process. For example, today we were supposed to go to a basketball game with another couple. I told my boyfriend yesterday that I didn't think I wanted to get dinner before the game because I have a test next week I needed to prepare for and a dinner would mean we would have to leave ~3 hours before the game. He told me that was not a problem, and left it at that. We barely discussed it when he told me this morning that he already texted our friends that he (alone) would meet up with them before the game to "hangout" because he thought I didn't want to go to dinner (or anything else). I felt excluded because I would of been willing to hangout prior (or possibly after), but not get a sit down dinner. He also didn't express to me that he wanted to see them beforehand and didn't really discuss it with me at all. He said he doesn't "need my permission" to do anything which was NOT my intention. This is not the first time he's done something like this so I got more upset than usual. I think for me it's less about the plans and more about him making decisions without even communicating or involving me. It really makes me feel like I'm not part of a team, where for him, he sees it as me trying to be controlling.


I started to cry because I didn't feel important and he continued to try and explain why I was being dramatic. We started arguing back and forth, basically me yelling why I was crying and him yelling why he wasn't wrong. I feel like every time I become organically upset he tries to justify why I'm ridiculous for being upset instead of validating my feelings. He even says that I WANT to fight and make a big deal out of everything because "I just want to fight and cry." I try really hard to pick my battles and not be difficult but sometimes I can't help being upset over something. How can I make him be more understanding and not immediately try and push my feelings under the rug? Sometimes I just want an apology and a hug. Am I being unreasonable? It seems like his immediate reaction to me being upset is to just roll his eyes and see how he can argue back. It's exhausting.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:46 PM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,559,219 times
Reputation: 37916
You two have major communication issues.

He is afraid of revealing things fully because you resort to drama. You resort to drama because he doesn't listen to you otherwise.

Honestly, your problems are tiny. Whether to go to dinner or hang out? Wow. There are so many other issues couples face in their years together like job loss, financial uncertainty, aging parents, raising children in this crazy world, illness and disability...

Can you imagine the two of you dealing with something that really matters? What would that look like to you?
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:55 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,888 posts, read 70,695,524 times
Reputation: 76849
Quote:
Originally Posted by susanjones44 View Post
I'm 24F, he's 28M.

Lately my boyfriend will invite me to plans with his friends but not give me all the details or not include me in the planning process. For example, today we were supposed to go to a basketball game with another couple. I told my boyfriend yesterday that I didn't think I wanted to get dinner before the game because I have a test next week I needed to prepare for and a dinner would mean we would have to leave ~3 hours before the game. He told me that was not a problem, and left it at that. We barely discussed it when he told me this morning that he already texted our friends that he (alone) would meet up with them before the game to "hangout" because he thought I didn't want to go to dinner (or anything else). I felt excluded because I would of been willing to hangout prior (or possibly after), but not get a sit down dinner. He also didn't express to me that he wanted to see them beforehand and didn't really discuss it with me at all. He said he doesn't "need my permission" to do anything which was NOT my intention. This is not the first time he's done something like this so I got more upset than usual. I think for me it's less about the plans and more about him making decisions without even communicating or involving me. It really makes me feel like I'm not part of a team, where for him, he sees it as me trying to be controlling.


I started to cry because I didn't feel important and he continued to try and explain why I was being dramatic. We started arguing back and forth, basically me yelling why I was crying and him yelling why he wasn't wrong. I feel like every time I become organically upset he tries to justify why I'm ridiculous for being upset instead of validating my feelings. He even says that I WANT to fight and make a big deal out of everything because "I just want to fight and cry." I try really hard to pick my battles and not be difficult but sometimes I can't help being upset over something. How can I make him be more understanding and not immediately try and push my feelings under the rug? Sometimes I just want an apology and a hug. Am I being unreasonable? It seems like his immediate reaction to me being upset is to just roll his eyes and see how he can argue back. It's exhausting.
My frank take? Re: the underlined--you can't. It's who he is.
Re: the bolded--he's a jerk. He sounds cold. He does NOT sound like your friend. It's not clear whether he's deliberately characterizing your simple requests for information as "control" in order to be manipulative, or if he's fixated on control, due to some issues in his past that have nothing to do with you. Either way, he doesn't care about your feelings, and is a cold, unfeeling jerk.

You two are not a good match. It shouldn't be this hard. His hiding of info seems passive-aggressive. I would ditch this guy, and look for a guy with whom sharing events and making mutual plans is much easier, and invitations to join his friends in one of their events are clearer, when they do choose to include you.

That's my honest assessment of the situation/relationship.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:56 PM
 
11 posts, read 4,458 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
You two have major communication issues.

He is afraid of revealing things fully because you resort to drama. You resort to drama because he doesn't listen to you otherwise.

Honestly, your problems are tiny. Whether to go to dinner or hang out? Wow. There are so many other issues couples face in their years together like job loss, financial uncertainty, aging parents, raising children in this crazy world, illness and disability...

Can you imagine the two of you dealing with something that really matters? What would that look like to you?
Oh boy. Yeah I see how this is a really dumb thing to let escalate. I'm afraid we've put ourselves in a bad situation.

I truly feel like I can't be upset over anything without him trying to rationalize why I'm dumb for being upset. If I say it calmly or hysterically, he will try and argue against how I feel. He doesn't care if I cry, so sometimes I let things get out of control during fights to make him LISTEN. I feel like I argue with a brick wall. I kept saying that I wanted to just be included and he won't listen because HE thinks it's silly, so therefore my feelings are silly. This just makes me irate. And yeah he probably doesn't talk to me about his plans because I make things more difficult for him I guess, so he'd rather hide it than just be open.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:00 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,888 posts, read 70,695,524 times
Reputation: 76849
Quote:
Originally Posted by susanjones44 View Post
Oh boy. Yeah I see how this is a really dumb thing to let escalate. I'm afraid we've put ourselves in a bad situation.

I truly feel like I can't be upset over anything without him trying to rationalize why I'm dumb for being upset. If I say it calmly or hysterically, he will try and argue against how I feel. He doesn't care if I cry, so sometimes I let things get out of control during fights to make him LISTEN. I feel like I argue with a brick wall. I kept saying that I wanted to just be included and he won't listen because HE thinks it's silly, so therefore my feelings are silly. This just makes me irate. And yeah he probably doesn't talk to me about his plans because I make things more difficult for him I guess, so he'd rather hide it than just be open.
That's gaslighting. It's a lousy thing to do to someone a person claims to love. It's the opposite of love. He also shouldn't be putting you down, and explaining to you why you're dumb. Discounting your feelings also is a jerk move. It spells A-R-R-O-G-A-N-C-E.

Get away from this guy, for your own sanity and sense of self-esteem, or he'll destroy it over time. You deserve better than this. And it's not hard to find. Most people are kinder and more understanding than this.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:03 PM
 
11 posts, read 4,458 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
My frank take? Re: the underlined--you can't. It's who he is.
Re: the bolded--he's a jerk. He sounds cold. He does NOT sound like your friend. It's not clear whether he's deliberately characterizing your simple requests for information as "control" in order to be manipulative, or if he's fixated on control, due to some issues in his past that have nothing to do with you. Either way, he doesn't care about your feelings, and is a cold, unfeeling jerk.

You two are not a good match. It shouldn't be this hard. His hiding of info seems passive-aggressive. I would ditch this guy, and look for a guy with whom sharing events and making mutual plans is much easier, and invitations to join his friends in one of their events are clearer, when they do choose to include you.

That's my honest assessment of the situation/relationship.
Thank you for your input. I agree with what you said, especially the part about him being passive aggresive. I got the feeling he thought I was being difficult about today, so he went behind my back to make plans with his friends out of spite (even though he denied it).

Im not saying I'm perfect or was not wrong today, because I do let my anger get the better of me with him sometimes. Sometimes when we fight, I feel myself getting angrier and angrier, because he does not comfort or validate me in any way. He argues back with me until I explode (scream) and then later blames me for being "out of control" and that I need to change or he will leave. I feel like I'm stuck. I just want to feel acknowledged.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:06 PM
 
4,003 posts, read 3,227,245 times
Reputation: 13039
You make huge issues out of nothing. This is one reason that Ive seen that guys break up with their girlfriends, drama over nothing. You started to cry because you didnt feel important? What are you, 10 years old? Act like a grown up, stick up for yourself if you feel that that way, tell him that, and then get over it and move on.

Guys dont stick around for your kind of drama. A word to the wise.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:10 PM
 
11 posts, read 4,458 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
That's gaslighting. It's a lousy thing to do to someone a person claims to love. It's the opposite of love. He also shouldn't be putting you down, and explaining to you why you're dumb. Discounting your feelings also is a jerk move. It spells A-R-R-O-G-A-N-C-E.

Get away from this guy, for your own sanity and sense of self-esteem, or he'll destroy it over time. You deserve better than this. And it's not hard to find. Most people are kinder and more understanding than this.
When he gets home later, how can I phrase to him that me being included is important to me in a way that he will understand? Because I know he thinks its really stupid, and since he doesn't agree he has a hard time understanding or listening. He does what he thinks is right by him, not by me or other people.

For example, he doesn't think being late is a big deal. He's lost a few friends over this and it took him years to understand that other people do not like having to wait for the "late friend." He just doesn't have a lot of understanding of others.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:14 PM
 
11 posts, read 4,458 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivalday View Post
You make huge issues out of nothing. This is one reason that Ive seen that guys break up with their girlfriends, drama over nothing. You started to cry because you didnt feel important? What are you, 10 years old? Act like a grown up, stick up for yourself if you feel that that way, tell him that, and then get over it and move on.

Guys dont stick around for your kind of drama. A word to the wise.
You sound like my boyfriend! Except when I get to the explaining part, he tells me I'm irrational. So if you want to say that too, save your time because I have him for that.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:15 PM
 
4,003 posts, read 3,227,245 times
Reputation: 13039
He did include you. You were the one who said you didnt want to go to dinner. It wasnt just him, he had plans with another couple. Do you want them to change their plans over you?
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