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Gay guy here. This past summer, I dated one of my best friends for a month, and while we both had strong feelings for each other (and I would stay still do), he has some emotional issues, so he said we should be friends instead upon fear that he might ruin things. I was the one that made the first move and made more of the effort. While it wasn't what I wanted, I agreed to it, and since then we have gone back to being best friends. Or have we?
He continues having strange behavior around me. I have been acting like how we were when friends but he seems confused. One of these things has been his drinking around me. Prior to dating and while dating, we used to enjoy drinking around each other a lot. But since we broke things off, he won't drink when he goes out with me. The strange thing is that with his other friends, he drinks and he drinks a lot still. He'll tell me how the night before he was hungover, or how with other friends when he goes out he drinks plenty. But now with me, he doesn't at all.
Aside from that he just asks me strange questions. For example a guy I was dating right before him, I have remained friendly with the guy, just as an acquaintance. Yet, every time I see my friend, he starts to ask me about the acquaintance, asking me how that guy doing or if I have talked to him. I am also visiting a friend next month, and he asked if my friend I was visiting is gay. I am also going on a big international trip in a few months and he asked me if I am going to have "fun" (ie sex) with the natives there. He also tells me sometimes out of the blue that he has hooked up with some people, but that it didn't mean much to him and he didn't enjoy them. He also checks up on me if we haven't spoken for more than 48 hours asking me how I am doing or what I have been up to.
My response? I don't give him much information or pay attention to the behavior. It seems though those things continue to add up (like they did last time). I still have strong feelings for him. But because he is the one that broke things off I WILL NOT make a move anymore. In fact, I am dating someone else at the moment (which he doesn't know about). He needs to get his **** together and if he wants something needs to say it. That's my attitude. No more games.
With that being said, should I say something to him about his behavior? Kind of like "what is going on here?" Or should I leave things be, and just ignore it like I have been and just treat him as a friend?
While it wasn't what I wanted, I agreed to it, and since then we have gone back to being best friends. Or have we?
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I still have strong feelings for him. But because he is the one that broke things off I WILL NOT make a move anymore. In fact, I am dating someone else at the moment (which he doesn't know about). He needs to get his **** together and if he wants something needs to say it. That's my attitude. No more games.
You don't sound much like a friend to me. You wanted him, he didn't want you, and you're pissed off about it.
This isn't on him -- this is on YOU. Either YOU drop your need to be with him "that way" or let him go live his life without you questioning every little thing he does. It isn't fair to him.
You don't sound much like a friend to me. You wanted him, he didn't want you, and you're pissed off about it.
This isn't on him -- this is on YOU. Either YOU drop your need to be with him "that way" or let him go live his life without you questioning every little thing he does. It isn't fair to him.
What are you talking about? I was the one that made the first move in the summer. I was the one that wanted to keep things going. He ended things with me saying we should just be friends. I agreed to it and have treated him as such.
I don't see what I am doing that is wrong?
Also can you explain how I am not letting him live his life?! Especially when I have been moving on. I am dating other people, traveling to different places on my own, and have accepted him and I might be nothing more than friends. It's when he finds out I am dating someone else, traveling on my own, or doing ther stuff he starts to act out. He's the one that keeps throwing **** into the fan with signals and what not.
He ended things with me saying we should just be friends. I agreed to it and have treated him as such.
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He's the one that keeps throwing **** into the fan with signals and what not.
You're getting mad about it and he sees that. He's not throwing signals; he's just trying to be a friend, even though you wanted more.
He probably doesn't drink around you any more because he doesn't want you to think you can get one over on him by getting him drunk.
You seem rather aggressive, and he's trying to stay back as friends.
You're getting mad about it and he sees that. He's not throwing signals; he's just trying to be a friend, even though you wanted more.
He probably doesn't drink around you anymore because he doesn't want you to think you can get one over on him by getting him drunk.
You seem rather aggressive, and he's trying to stay back as friends.
So there's more I haven't said that you don't know about it.
He didn't break up with me because he wasn't interested. He broke up with because he was scared. He said it himself. He's never been in relationships and he never felt a connection like he has with me. He's scared he was going to mess things up (like he said he has with everyone else) and he was going to lose me because of that. He was abused as a child and is still recovering and healing from it and he told me he can't be in a relationship with me because he is not emotionally stable.
-A couple weeks ago he sent me a video about love and desire out of the blue for no reason.
-When we make plans to hang out, he only wants to hang out with me alone. If I try to include other friends, he won't go, unless I am it's just me and him.
-HE IS the one that makes moves and gets flirty with me when he gets drunk. When he drinks he's the one initiating sex.
-The other day he was asking me if I sleep naked still.
-He was the one trying to convince me to do a solo trip with him.
-He's the one that admits getting jealous when I start to date someone else.
-He's the one that when he gets jealous of me dating someone invited me over to his apartment at midnight, or starts to get touchy with me in an intimate way.
-He's the one that texts me if he doesn't hear from me in 48 hours.
Just this Saturday he kept joking around about me being naked. Asking me if I slept naked, cooked naked, what I did naked. I laughed it off, but he kept bringing it up. Also why does he keep asking me about someone that I dated before him that is now just an acquaintance. He doesn't ask me about my family or other friends, just about the guy I was dating before him. A guy I speak to 1-2 time per month at most. Are you going to tell me that's not odd?
Last edited by frimpter928; 10-23-2017 at 11:16 AM..
Even if he is confused....what does that change, OP?
Do you really want to keep hanging out in limbo like this?
You keep saying being friends doesn't bother you, but every other week or so you're making a thread looking for signs despite the fact that you claim that's not what you're doing.
Even if he is confused....what does that change, OP?
Do you really want to keep hanging out in limbo like this?
You keep saying being friends doesn't bother you, but every other week or so you're making a thread looking for signs despite the fact that you claim that's not what you're doing.
I think I just want honesty and I admit I have my struggles moving on. I actually put some space between us (texting him just 1-2 time per week at most) but when I pull back, I see he starts to come back. I am trying to get to a place that when he comes back, I don't give in anymore. It feels like we are playing a game almost and I don't want to play.
Essentially I am trying to move on. Although, this thread I started might not show it, I am starting to see progress on my end. He informed me that he might be moving to another city for work, and when he told me that it didn't worry me or hurt really. I was kind of like "Meh okay". Same thing when he told me he has hooked up with other guys. I thought it was odd that he was bringing it up out of the blue but I didn't care too much.
He was abused as a child and is still recovering and healing from it and he told me he can't be in a relationship with me because he is not emotionally stable.
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-HE IS the one that makes moves and gets flirty with me when he gets drunk. When he drinks he's the one initiating sex.
...
Are you going to tell me that's not odd?
OK considering his history of abuse, especially not wanting to drink around you is due to his not wanting to screw it up.
But keeping you on a string like he's doing isn't fair to you, either. I'm afraid I would have to walk. He needs to get better, and deal with his issues.
OK considering his history of abuse, especially not wanting to drink around you is due to his not wanting to screw it up.
But keeping you on a string like he's doing isn't fair to you, either. I'm afraid I would have to walk. He needs to get better, and deal with his issues.
I think that's my challenge. My feeling run for him deep and vice versa (you can just tell), and I keep pulling away and treating him just like any other friend. When I do, he comes back in and I am trying to figure out, if I just keep doing as I am doing and not giving in, or do I talk to him?
While my feelings haven't fully gone away, mentally I have moved on. I am dating other people, doing my own thing. Even if he was interested in me again I am not sure I would take him back because of his instability or until he proves to me he is stable and really wants it.
I think where I struggle with is if we are going to be friends we need to act like friends. The things he does and says at times (not always) are confusing and don't help settle things. Especially in this case. I think if it was my best friend who is a woman acting like this with me it would be different because well nothing will happen between us. But with him, something did happen with us, so if we are going to maintain a friendship we have to be delicate about those topics like sex and what not, especially since it all happened recently.
OK considering his history of abuse, especially not wanting to drink around you is due to his not wanting to screw it up.
But keeping you on a string like he's doing isn't fair to you, either. I'm afraid I would have to walk. He needs to get better, and deal with his issues.
I think convextech is right on the money. Many of us have warned you that you would have a very difficult time keeping in contact with this guy. rego nailed it with this description from your previous thread about being in "love purgatory":
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123
These are both personal rationalizations to remain connected to this person.
While noble in nature, understand that it's not helping your other issues revolving around this.
You're not so much in purgatory as you are a self made prison.
Honestly, you can either make some very tough choices and go no-contact while he gets his **** together, or you can continue the drama and being confused by his actions with this strained friendship.
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