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Do you assume that everyone out in the world is going to shoot you dead?
It happens. People are "capable" of it. Do you live your life in fear of that, though? Why not?
I don't see how shame or anything else is going to let you control your wife. You seem to be complaining that there aren't enough mechanisms by which a person can be FORCED to be good and do right, if they don't want to. Welcome to a free society, where we even have the freedom to be complete screw-ups. Her life choices are poor, that is true of some people. Not of all people. There is never a guarantee. If it's a chance you don't want to take...then don't. You're a free person, too.
It's perplexing. People shouldn't be forced to do anything but they should know and care to do what is necessary. In a relationship you need to listen to one another, work together as a team or you will both fail. You can't pull in different directions and if you do you will never get anywhere.
Some people just don't see what's right in front of them I guess. Some people just don't care to look. Some people just like to see the world burn.
As for me I simply set and maintain standards and boundaries. If someone does not respect them we both know what a door is for.
Was she working? Not working? Raising kids? Was there some kind of personality change, between the time you married her, and her suddenly opting to entertain herself with shopping? Not enough info, here. I'm sorry this happened to you, but honestly, it's unlikely that what motivated her to go the route that she did was the existence of some kind of favorable conditions in society and institutions. I doubt she woke up one day, and said to herself, "Hey, I can get away with lazing around and spending money, so I think I'll go for it". There was some pre-existing character flaw that inclined her toward that. Not that that makes any difference to you, on your side of the equation, left holding the bag. But I'm just saying, for the sake of the discussion topic.
Marriage per se isn't a bad thing. But it's a huge commitment, a huge life change, a huge responsibility. It's not to be undertaken lightly. It's not to be undertaken for the wrong reasons (like: she's hot, or, for women: "gee, I just wanna be married", or: "my babymaking hormones are pushing me"). And you have to be a good judge of character, before you choose to mix finances and lives with someone. (Just making general observations, not directed specifically at you, Scrat.) You have to have the right talks before you make the commitment, to see if the other person is on the same page as you, in values, money-management, kids-wise, etc. I think some people, maybe a lot of people, don't have the maturity and foresight to take that step in life. The movies show falling in love and getting married as a big romantic whirl. They never show the conversations about money management and financial goals, and other mundane sides to it, so some people don't even know that that's something they should be checking out.
Caveat emptor, basically. Approach with caution.
There's a point in relationships where they mature. Someone once said love is something you find in a fairy tale told to little girls. What true love and relationships is really about is obligations and duty. I agree.
Seriously. The amount of men here who seem to think the "dating pool" consists solely of unemployed women who poke holes in condoms seems.....disproportionally high.
Truth! It’s a weird little internet contingent but not representative of reality outside of Jerry Springer. It happens, but not like it’s stated around this site
This is such a brutal post, I don’t even know where to start.
And some of your other replies after this.
And I notice everything is a different time in history with you, whether it’s the 50’s or 80’s movies. Out of step with the world.
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Well clearly these guys dont like women, I've said it before. There are jabs and criticisms and negative remarks about women in general all over this thread. I haven't found any women posting "Marriage is not a good idea because Men drink beer, watch porn, go to strip clubs, and sleep with every woman willing. Marriage is not a good idea because men beat you and stay out all night and lie about it, they fart on the couch and never do the dishes!"
I'm going to start being that lady. I'd get more pleasure out of that than trying to make sense out of posters with no experience about something but insist on telling us how it is.
Marriage is fine. People don't date long enough before marriage, which causes a lot of problems. I've seen people meet a new person, get engaged and get married within the same year. The haze of "love" is still strong and they haven't really gotten to KNOW the person they've chosen.
Whether you live together or separately, it helps to really learn each others values. People grow and change. Spending some time growing together can make your marriage stronger once you finally tie the knot. If you grow apart while dating, at least you haven't committed to each other legally and can more easily split if needed.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
Well clearly these guys dont like women, I've said it before. There are jabs and criticisms and negative remarks about women in general all over this thread. I haven't found any women posting "Marriage is not a good idea because Men drink beer, watch porn, go to strip clubs, and sleep with every woman willing. Marriage is not a good idea because men beat you and stay out all night and lie about it, they fart on the couch and never do the dishes!"
I'm going to start being that lady. I'd get more pleasure out of that than trying to make sense out of posters with no experience about something but insist on telling us how it is.
Marriage is fine. People don't date long enough before marriage, which causes a lot of problems. I've seen people meet a new person, get engaged and get married within the same year. The haze of "love" is still strong and they haven't really gotten to KNOW the person they've chosen.
Whether you live together or separately, it helps to really learn each others values. People grow and change. Spending some time growing together can make your marriage stronger once you finally tie the knot. If you grow apart while dating, at least you haven't committed to each other legally and can more easily split if needed.
I agree with this. I think that taking your time and being an actual adult (as opposed to an 18 year old kid) and knowing yourself, and getting to really know the other person, before making what is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, is very wise.
Makes me think, though, of the thing that has been mentioned here. Some people (men often, but not always) seem to think that if they don't secure the commitment, then the other partner will be lured away by someone else. I used to think, with my ex, that he didn't view women as people at all, capable of making choices and owning them, but rather as inanimate (even if precious) objects, which only another man's hand could pick up and carry off. I told him many times, if I ever left him, it wouldn't be because a better man came along, it would be because of how HE was acting and treating me in OUR relationship. And I think that most women feel this way. We aren't constantly looking around for a better deal, once we've decided to try and have a serious relationship with someone. But if you treat your partner badly or make them unhappy, don't expect them to stick around. It doesn't matter if you're married or not.
Thing is, if you have a partner you would like to marry, but you know it's wise to take some time, it shouldn't make any difference. If they truly want to be with you, too, then they will wait. If they don't wait, then they didn't want to be with you all that badly, now did they? And why would you want to be married to someone who really doesn't want to be with you?
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