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Not every couple wants to spend every waking second together. There are plenty of married couples who live together and have plenty of alone time pursuing other independent interests. The issue here is that the OP’s boyfriend seems to want to pursue only sex and nothing else, which is not normal. I do think that she might be smothering him, but his calling up for sex while complaining of that makes it even worse. You don’t get to have it both ways unless you are just looking for a FWB. Since the OP does not want that and her boyfriend is now acting manipulative, she is right in moving on to someone with similar goals.
Agreed. I think she’s holding on tightly because she senses his reticence.
Not every couple wants to spend every waking second together. There are plenty of married couples who live together and have plenty of alone time pursuing other independent interests. The issue here is that the OP’s boyfriend seems to want to pursue only sex and nothing else, which is not normal. I do think that she might be smothering him, but his calling up for sex while complaining of that makes it even worse. You don’t get to have it both ways unless you are just looking for a FWB. Since the OP does not want that and her boyfriend is now acting manipulative, she is right in moving on to someone with similar goals.
Right. Especially when you are single. I don't even think its about all the sex. Its just about doing some things alone or with his buddies. When you aren't married, some people don't want to live like that.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 18 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,356,252 times
Reputation: 5382
#1, Don't sleep together until marriage. Since that already happened, don't move in together until marriage. Your boyfriend doesn't sound the type to marry if he is already feeling smothered and the two of you aren't living together under one roof.
From my personal experience and observations, couples who spend TOO much time together seem to fight the most about anything. It's not healthy to be completely dependent on your SO.
#1, don't sleep together until marriage. Since that already happened, don't move in together until marriage. Your boyfriend doesn't sound the type to marry if he is already feeling smothered and the two of you aren't living together under one roof.
From my personal experience and observations, couples who spend too much time together seem to fight the most about anything. It's not healthy to be completely dependent on your so.
I was trying to clear my head after everything that happened this weekend but I have read the rest of the responses.
Just to clarify a bit, a lot of the posters here seem to be convinced that my boyfriend only wants me for sex but that really couldn't be father from the truth. When we first started dating, I lived 45 minutes away from him and he drove down to see me every single weekend. He took me on countless dates and spent money he didn't have. He goes above and beyond to do anything I ask of him. He's been there for me through every problem and hard time I've had in the past 2 years. He surprises me with candy or flowers when I'm having a bad day, kisses and hugs me every single time I see him with a huge tight squeeze and has planned endless thoughtful dates that would make any girl smile. We've been on vacations, met each others parents, etc. Maybe it's true that I care about him more than he cares about me, but he DOES love me and treats me as a partner and I never doubted that we had anything other than a real relationship. However it is clear from my OP that we have different ideas of a relationship.
I think part of me is holding onto this relationship because it's all I've known and I'm scared to feel my heart broken and I'm scared to date again. The other part of me is genuinely happy with my boyfriend but how do I know if my current version of "happy" is something I might be settling for? How do I know, with such little experience, if I would be happier with someone else? Again, this doesn't mean that I'm not happy in my relationship, but there are of course things that I think just simply don't work. But is the grass always greener? If we separate, will I regret it? Will my new boyfriend be a cheater or a liar? Will he just do something else I don't like in a different way? When do you know how to accept some things as they are or when to decide to go? I don't want to live in a fantasy and think that any one man will be EXACTLY how I want him to be in every single way. I'm not perfect either.
There are 2 things specifically that I think do not work with me and my current SO, one of them being what I described in my OP. Basically that I crave more togetherness in my relationship but my SO desires more time alone. This I'm afraid can not change. The second (and more importantly) is that we have a very poor way of dealing with conflict. We have a way of escalating one another when there is an issue and can't seem to settle issues calmly. This is truly what makes me question everything and he knows this as well.
We had a series of long talks this weekend and some real doses of reality have set in for me. I'm going off to grad school in less than a year, and as another user said, things are about to drastically change. Our relationship is not perfect and we know our faults, but CHANGE is HARD. Beside the fact that I like a lot of togetherness, our communication in times of conflict is destructive to our relationship. We will 100% not last long term if things stay as they are. We both admitted this together. We place blame on each other, say things that are hurtful and do not acknowledge each other's feelings. These are things no relationship can withstand, especially not as long distance.
My boyfriend made me realize this weekend that he's the only man that I see on a daily basis besides people at work and his friends. He reminded me that I'm going to be exposed to so many new people and new experiences in grad school. He said "You may be out with your new friends and strike a conversation with a guy and think to yourself, wow this guy is cute. What if he can give me what my boyfriend can't." That really hit home to me that things need to change. It's just a sad reality that most people don't make it through such long distance, especially when they met their SO at 22. After a lot of tears, we decided we owe it to ourselves to try and make things the best that they can be for the next few months. We ordered a bunch of communication books online and we're going to get together and read them when we hangout. No more stopping by to sit in the kitchen while he's playing games. No more of me putting all this effort in when it's not equal. We're basically starting from scratch and giving this one last shot. Then when I move home, we can test run the long distance. But if we can't get things to a really good point by next September we are going to part ways. It was a really hard conversation to have but it needed to happen.
Oh, and I know the other day I said something really mean about forgetting he existed. In the moment I wrote that I really felt like I meant it. I was so angry and afraid. It was immature and impulsive. I don't hate my boyfriend. Things are tough sometimes. I look back at those moments and can't help but feel a little ashamed but I'm not perfect and was hurting. Ok, my apologies for the rant.
#1, Don't sleep together until marriage. Since that already happened, don't move in together until marriage. Your boyfriend doesn't sound the type to marry if he is already feeling smothered and the two of you aren't living together under one roof.
From my personal experience and observations, couples who spend TOO much time together seem to fight the most about anything. It's not healthy to be completely dependent on your SO.
Sexual compatibility is really important to me, I'd be afraid to wait that long only to find out I didn't like the sex.
OP, I am not surprised that you caved to his manipulation.
My question is what are you going to do when his words manipulate you right out of grad school to stay with him?
Oh well, your life, your choice.
OP, I am not surprised that you caved to his manipulation. My question is what are you going to do when his words manipulate you right out of grad school to stay with him?
Oh well, your life, your choice.
Nobody was manipulated, him and I made this decision together. We are not settling back into the same relationship, we are doing new things to make an improvement and if nothing comes of that we agreed to part ways.
My plans to pursue graduate school did not just sprout and end without extreme dedication and hard work. No man will ever take what I've earned away from me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am, it is what brings me happiness, confidence and joy. This is my future and my career.
My boyfriend helped me get here and stuck with me through the endless weeks of studying, stress and preparation. He would never take that away from me, nor would I let him.
#1, Don't sleep together until marriage. Since that already happened, don't move in together until marriage. Your boyfriend doesn't sound the type to marry if he is already feeling smothered and the two of you aren't living together under one roof.
From my personal experience and observations, couples who spend TOO much time together seem to fight the most about anything. It's not healthy to be completely dependent on your SO.
I'm a guy, and there's 0 chance I'd wait till marriage to have sex and move in together. These are things I'd want to know beforehand, and many women feel the same way.
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