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That's good of you, OP. For me, I'd probably leave the relationship. No offense to anyone intended, but if I fell in love with a woman, I would not want a relationship with a man (and vice versa).
My divorce was final Jan 15th. I am Free now
This hasn't been easy but I am moving on. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we are moving to MS in the spring. Looking forward to this new chapter in my life and so excited to get it going
Thanks to all that read and made comments on my thread.
Wait....whaaaaat? You've already got a boyfriend and planning to move halfway across the country?
I guess I can't relate to folks who are so attached and then blink their eyes and get attached to someone else. When I got divorced I was completely devastated and didn't even date for YEARS. Yes, a lot of wasted time...guess I just didn't blink?
My spouse came out as Transgender 8 years into our relationship (4 of those married). I knew nothing about what it meant to be transgender so I was totally in awe. Never once in those 8 years did I even have a clue that my spouse has felt this way their whole life. After it came out, I did not run away. I educated myself about what this meant. Of course, the first thing I asked my "husband" was : "If you feel like you should have been born a woman, does that mean sexually you are attracted to men?". My spouse said "No, I am attracted to girls". So I said "Let me get this straight, you are a lesbian trapped in a man's body". The reply "YES!!". Ha!
Anyway, the day my spouse told me this I could see the pain, fear and sadness in my spouse's eyes. My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
I feel that if you love someone, you let them be who they truly are unless they are a murderer or something like that.
We did not tell anyone about this for about a year after she came out. But after a year of hiding it from everyone we knew and her kids and mine, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, we told them all. They were all very happy for her. She even walked one of my daughter's down the aisle because her own father is a jerk. After surgery and recovery she went back to work as the woman she always felt she was and she was Very Very Scared to go back. However, her company knew what was happening so while she was out of work they educated all the other employee's about this--even hired a special company lawyer that handles this type of situation. Although she was scared to go back, I told her that her company was being way more gracious then I thought they would AND she had to remember that someone has to be the one to put their foot forward for others. In a company as large as the one she works for, they has to be one or two more people that feel the same and are too afraid to come forward. It worked out great for her there and she is a much more happier person.
That does not mean that this process has been easy. I accept my spouse for who they are and encouraged her to be who she needs to be but I did give up some of my happiness in the process. I went through a grieving process myself. My spouse tends to be very selfish sometimes and that only got worse after she went through this change physically. At times I get very resentful---especially when she treats me like I am her girlfriend and not her wife. For example, before she came out, if we went out to eat my husband would pay the bill (makes almost 3 times an hour to what I make) Now that "she" is out, we go out and she says "So, are you buying, we splitting or am I?". Every Single Time.
She wants to be treated like a woman but still acts like an insensitive man allot of the time and that is very aggravating. I guess since she felt she had to "pretend" to act like a man most of her life, it is just the way it is. She also gets resentful that I want to hang out with a girlfriend once in a while without her. She tries to include herself on everything I do outside of the home (besides work) and I have to tell her that she needs to go do things with her friends but she says she only has guy friends and she does not want to hang around with them. She has transgender friends but does not want to hang out with them either. I told her I am not her entertainment.
Sorry this was so long!! Has anyone on here gone through this?
I'm confused. Did your spouse keep it a secret from you that she had a sexual re-assignment surgery, or did she hide that they wanted one?
Wait....whaaaaat? You've already got a boyfriend and planning to move halfway across the country?
I guess I can't relate to folks who are so attached and then blink their eyes and get attached to someone else. When I got divorced I was completely devastated and didn't even date for YEARS. Yes, a lot of wasted time...guess I just didn't blink?
I think this happens when someone is getting more and more fed up and ready to be "done" way, way before "done" actually arrives. Waiting to date again just feels like sitting around wallowing in bad memories, and one just cannot move on quickly enough. At least I felt that way after my marriage ended. I'd been unhappy in it for years. The end was not some sudden flip of a switch. It dragged on and on, or so it felt.
I think some of us do a lot of the processing of the end, before we reach the actual end.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpony
I'm confused. Did your spouse keep it a secret from you that she had a sexual re-assignment surgery, or did she hide that they wanted one?
What is confusing? The OP married someone who was a MAN as far as she could tell, in all ways, and many years later, her HUSBAND came out to her that in fact they wanted to be her WIFE and was in fact a trans WOMAN. The entire trans identity was hidden for...how many years? A lot of years. This OP was not consenting to a lesbian relationship and did not want to be married to a woman, cis, trans, or otherwise. She tried to hang in there and be supportive and loving but that basic fact was not the only issue, though most other issues seem to revolve around it...so, they divorced.
Wait....whaaaaat? You've already got a boyfriend and planning to move halfway across the country?
I guess I can't relate to folks who are so attached and then blink their eyes and get attached to someone else. When I got divorced I was completely devastated and didn't even date for YEARS. Yes, a lot of wasted time...guess I just didn't blink?
My heart was not into my marriage the last 4 or 5 years of it. The guy I am seeing is someone I've known over 35 years--we had not spoken or seen each other in 8 years. He just came into my life, it seems, when I needed it most this time.
This does not mean that I turned my love on and off. Nobody knows what I've been through in that marriage and only those that have experienced exactly what I did will understand.
I think this happens when someone is getting more and more fed up and ready to be "done" way, way before "done" actually arrives. Waiting to date again just feels like sitting around wallowing in bad memories, and one just cannot move on quickly enough. At least I felt that way after my marriage ended. I'd been unhappy in it for years. The end was not some sudden flip of a switch. It dragged on and on, or so it felt.
I think some of us do a lot of the processing of the end, before we reach the actual end.
What is confusing? The OP married someone who was a MAN as far as she could tell, in all ways, and many years later, her HUSBAND came out to her that in fact they wanted to be her WIFE and was in fact a trans WOMAN. The entire trans identity was hidden for...how many years? A lot of years. This OP was not consenting to a lesbian relationship and did not want to be married to a woman, cis, trans, or otherwise. She tried to hang in there and be supportive and loving but that basic fact was not the only issue, though most other issues seem to revolve around it...so, they divorced.
A young couple moved into our town last year, a month ago we invited them to our home for dinner. They present as a male and a female married couple. Though the female is a transwoman, she used to be a male. She had the surgery before they got married.
We get along pretty well with them.
The female insists that we must use non-gender pronouns when addressing them. So I am trying to do that with them [singular].
I am on hormone shots myself, as a feature of my cancer treatment. So I have had a long conversation with them [singular] about our experiences on hormone shots.
They are coming over this weekend for another dinner.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
9,297 posts, read 4,569,175 times
Reputation: 7613
I am in awe of your support & you wanting to stick it out..but I wouldn't be able to see past the dishonesty. Why couldn't she tell you before you got married?
OP--I'm happy for you that good things are happening in your life.
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My spouse hardly ever smiled those first 8 years and I always wondered why there was this under-lying sadness. I still remember that day even now. Spouse came out to me 7 years ago. Since that day, I have learned allot, met other transgender individuals and encouraged my spouse to use retirement money to get some surgeries done in order for "her" to feel comfortable in her own body...(because she kept complaining that she needed to look feminine and I couldn't blame her)
Has anyone on here gone through this?
