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Once daily life becomes a norm and everything seems to be running smoothly you just go on cruise control and things start to slip but you don't even notice until it's really obvious. You are right we probably weren't trying like we should have.
And THIS is the problem. One should never take a marriage, or any relationship, for granted. So many people have this idea that relationships don't require any effort or that effort is a sign of problems. Nothing could be further from the truth. Effort, in my opinion, is a sign of a GREAT relationship.
I don't like to say marriage is work. It does require effort though. I'm not talking about hard effort. I'm talking about niceties like saying thank you, expressing gratitude, doing kind things for the other, etc. You get out of it what you put into it.
OP--what have you put into your marriage? I ask because even if you do divorce, you won't be successful in another relationship until you can honestly answer that question and make the necessary changes.
You definitely shouldn't stay someplace you are not happy. However, You should try and speak with your husband and get counseling before making that decision. That way you can say you did everything you could to save your marriage, and it just didn't work out. You never know, he may tell you things that may change your mind about the situation. You both may find out some things you could do to bring that sexual attraction into the marriage. You guys need to communicate before making a decision like that. And if you do decide to divorce, hopefully you two may be honest with each other, and handle the divorce as professionally as you possibly can.
As for staying because you don't want to be single, well you aren't happy now it seems, so what difference does it make? The worse thing about being alone and single, is being lonely and in a relationship. So don't let that even be in the conversation as to why you want to stay or leave.
OP, consider giving it a try. Do something as opposed to doing nothing. Once you've done everything you can, you will feel free to take that next step without guilt or remorse.
I agree. Sit him down and say "I am very unhappy. We have no sex life. <List any other deal breakers here>. I want to know if you are willing to work on these problems or not."
Give him an opportunity to fix what is broken. If he chooses to not try, then you know where things stand.
OP, consider giving it a try. Do something as opposed to doing nothing. Once you've done everything you can, you will feel free to take that next step without guilt or remorse.
Doing nothing is not working, you are right. We have a family event this weekend, I will do it after that. I don’t even know what the next step will be until we talk.
I agree. Sit him down and say "I am very unhappy. We have no sex life. <List any other deal breakers here>. I want to know if you are willing to work on these problems or not."
I agree that you need to talk to your husband, OP, but I would suggest a slightly different approach.
Don't hit him with a list of negatives. Tell him that you miss the closeness you used to have. Tell him that you want to spend more time with him doing things you both enjoy. Tell him you feel lonely in your marriage and you want to know if he feels lonely too.
You could even ask him what he thinks marriage should look like, if he is where he wanted to be at this point.
Handing him a list of "violations" could set this process off on a negative approach. Assuming all of the above is true ^^^, give him a chance to feel hopeful about going through this process with you.
Then look into marriage counseling in your area. It could be just a matter of learning a couple of different things and being more aware of how you are behaving in your marriage that makes the difference.
I met a professional mediator this weekend who specializes in divorce and other family matters. A councilor will probably direct you to a mediator to work out the details of your divorce. My new acquaintance said this often the best way to set up an uncontested divorce.
Do this before filing! It will allow you much more flexibility and make it a smoother transition.
There are a lot to consider in a marriage. When you said you are unhappy, do you mean lack of sex is what causes your unhappiness? If lack of sex is what makes you unhappy, then you may want to rethink about your thought of divorce. As we all age, our sex desire will decrease and diminish, so that will eventually not be on your top priority. Of course is important to have sex even as we age, just not as frequent, maybe once a week or once a month depends on your age, but in your case, years, that is just kind of unbelieveable. Makes me wonder if you husband masturbate on his own time.
You need to talk to your husband and find out where both of you stand. Your husband might decided not to initiate a conversation with you because of the way you are. If every time he tried to talk to you, and you simply doesn't compromise or try to make things work between you two and insisted on having it your way, then that could be the reason why he decided not to communicate with you.
Get to the bottom of the problem, and sometime is easier to say that getting it done. Communication has become a major problem in a marriage nowadays. So many people with the mindset that things has to be the way how they want it, and I hope you are not one of those people.
Marriage has to compromise, and if you don't, you may just lost the faith of your partner. Don't try to control everything, try to make it work together. Life is too short to try to run away from problem that you cannot solve because you never know if the next one is worst than what you have right now.
OP--what have you put into your marriage? I ask because even if you do divorce, you won't be successful in another relationship until you can honestly answer that question and make the necessary changes.
I thought I was doing everything a wife should do. When he wanted to go back to school and get a second degree , I supported him through that. When he switched careers I supported him, I picked up the slack financially, I made sure the household was running smoothly during that time we didn’t have any problems, or I didn’t. I always backed him and offered support and encouraged him. He can never say I didn’t do that. Maybe I should have offered more emotional support, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I agree that you need to talk to your husband, OP, but I would suggest a slightly different approach.
Don't hit him with a list of negatives. Tell him that you miss the closeness you used to have. Tell him that you want to spend more time with him doing things you both enjoy. Tell him you feel lonely in your marriage and you want to know if he feels lonely too.
You could even ask him what he thinks marriage should look like, if he is where he wanted to be at this point.
Handing him a list of "violations" could set this process off on a negative approach. Assuming all of the above is true ^^^, give him a chance to feel hopeful about going through this process with you.
Then look into marriage counseling in your area. It could be just a matter of learning a couple of different things and being more aware of how you are behaving in your marriage that makes the difference.
Doing nothing is not working, you are right. We have a family event this weekend, I will do it after that. I don’t even know what the next step will be until we talk.
Doing nothing, is doing something. In this case it is the wrong thing....you both have wasted years in complacent silence. It is very sad.....and you will look back at what could have been......if you aren't already.
Being alone can be very productive after a breakup or divorce....it will give you time to educate yourself, get in touch with your own needs and wants....so that you do not make the same mistakes in another relationship.
I would suggest that you sit down and have a heart to heart......tell him you want a heart to heart. You both obviously are unhappy and possibly numb and have been going through the motions.
Make sure that you do not assign blame....Speak about your feelings.....not about how he makes you feel...it will be easier for him to be honest about his feelings, rather than defensive as he would if he felt that you were blaming him. It truly does sound like both of you....you are in a rut, and it becomes easier to avoid confronting this.....and here you are 8 years into it.
You both have the right to be happy....to feel heard, to feel safe to communicate your needs, wants and feelings.
I hope that an open discussion will help. You can even go to a counselor and discuss these things, knowing that both of you may feel better at least knowing that you've tried. You can also divorce amicably, many attorneys will handle a non-contested divorce and it happens a lot. Things do not have to be difficult, they can be fair and equitable and you can divorce and remain friends.
Good luck to you
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