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A few months ago I stopped dating someone that I was in love with (who was also my best friend) because he was going through some emotional problems. After that I picked myself up and moved on, I thought I was doing well. If anything I was ready to meet other fish in the sea and started dating other guys. I met this one great guy who has been amazing. The only thing is he seems to be walled up so we were taking it slow.
That was until I had an extremely severe concussion just little over a month ago. I was bedridden and pretty much incapacitated for two weeks. I am an extremely active guy, always on the go. Being in that condition for two weeks put me in a deep depression. For that period of time, I lost a lot of cognitive abilities and control of over my emotions. It essentially made me lost. It also made me realize how lonely I am and how much I yearn to not feel alone. It made me realize how insecure I was about myself. It made me want to run away. All that time spent in bed thinking about life, who I want to be, where I want to go, and what will truly make me happy confused and in a way tortured me.
Now that I am fully healed, I look back at the experience and think of it as a positive (not that I would ever want to do it again). For so long I had this mask on trying to hide my emotions. If one thing I realized it made me do, was that I am scared to be vulnerable, to show any of it. Especially when it comes to love life.
I have been meeting some great guys but with all of them I am scared to even start something with them, because I realized I have to work on myself and figure out who I am. My friend, who I dated? I do love him (leaning more towards as a friend love these days) but I see I have walled myself up against him. The amazing guy I have been dating? I have been pulling away but I want to tell him what's going on.
Has anyone ever gone through this? Think they have it all covered and then an even happens and you realize you need to work on yourself and romantically become emotionally unavailable?
For some reason I have always been "full steam ahead." IDK if it's optimism or naivete or just resilience, but when it comes to love I believe that opportunities always exist.
Weirdly enough, I tend to be more emotionally reserved with friends. I have a ton of acquaintances and only a few people I would call "friends."
For some reason I have always been "full steam ahead." IDK if it's optimism or naivete or just resilience, but when it comes to love I believe that opportunities always exist.
Weirdly enough, I tend to be more emotionally reserved with friends. I have a ton of acquaintances and only a few people I would call "friends."
PS You really think you're fully healed???
Healed from what specifically? From the concussion? I am about 95% I would say, but almost 100% back to normal.
Now that I am fully healed, I look back at the experience and think of it as a positive (not that I would ever want to do it again).
I know you meant your concussion, but you still haven't moved on from the mess with your ex/friend. So to talk about dating and being "emotionally unavailable" is just premature.
Did you really want to hear about our experiences, or did you just want to talk about him again?
Once, after the sudden and pretty traumatic end of a long-term relationship. I definitely wasn't ready to be there emotionally for a whole lot of people, and just kind of retreated to heal for a few months. I was very careful about what I involved myself in, socially and emotionally, during that time, because I knew my attention really wasn't being focused on others, because I had a lot to work out within myself. I just didn't have anything left for anybody else.
Emotional healing isn't unlike physiological healing...it takes time and it takes as long as it takes.
You were sad and emotional for two weeks, not depressed.
I feel that this expression gets thrown around too much. A real depressed person doesn't get over it after two weeks.
No offense to the OP, but you are not depressed. Depression, is more than just feeling sad or going through a rough patch. It's a serious mental health condition.
I know you meant your concussion, but you still haven't moved on from the mess with your ex/friend. So to talk about dating and being "emotionally unavailable" is just premature.
Did you really want to hear about our experiences, or did you just want to talk about him again?
Ah, I see. Have I moved on 100%? Not totally but I am getting there. I have accepted that the most we most likely ever will be is friends. I also found out that there is a 90% chance he has to move for his job in the coming months to another city. Will I miss him? Of course. But when he told me that he has to move, I was kind of like "Okay." It didn't hurt, didn't depress me or anything. It felt almost as if it were just another friend telling my they were going to move. Like I am bummed they are leaving, but not devastated, hurt or anything like that. As time goes on I find myself moving on more and more. But in all honesty, it's not even about him anymore. There are pieces of the feelings I had for him, but it's thankfully fading on more and more as time goes on.
I think it has more to do with me being so fresh out of the closet (1.5 year ago) and having thought that I had a good handle on things. I think it's also realizing I am a control freak and when I went through my concussion how I lost control of everything. I thought I was ready for a relationship.
I think the root of the problem is "Where do I go from here?". While I am a gay guy, I have had a lot of trouble fitting into the gay community. I just don't click. It's funny, I feel more comfortable around straight guys than gay guys. Most of my friends are straight guys. Up until a year ago even with me coming out to them I had great relationships and hung out with them all and had a great social life.
I am not sure if it was something in the water, but the past 6 months almost all of those friends have gotten either married or have had their first child. And while they are still there for me if I need them, things have changed and naturally, they can't dedicate any time to hang out with me. Went from seeing each other once a week to now once a month. I have tried to make it more frequent but they are just too busy with their SO. It feels like I have been left in the dust.
So I have put a lot of effort into making gay friends, and that also has been a challenge. I volunteer at the gay center here. I continue to make gay friends. But again I just don't click with them, as much as I try. Yesterday, I spent the day with a gay friend and his group of friends (also all gay), and while I enjoyed them, when I left, it left me feeling depressed. I felt "different" and like I didn't belong. I went from my extroverted self, to quiet and reserved. I feel like I don't belong anywhere anymore.
I think a big part of it is I am still transitioning into my "gay" life, but I thought I had it all figured out, and that concussion brought me down so hard, that it put things in perspective and made me realize I have been wearing a mask of happiness for a long time and not be true to myself. I realize I did a lot of things in the past to put quick fixes on my happiness. But I realized that I have some things I need to figure out now.
Also, a few other notes. I also gave up on the idea of wanting kids or getting married. When I first came out I had this idea I could meet a guy, get married and start a family. But the more and more I date around the less I want to do it. So part of it is that I had that "life" envisioned for so long, and now I have given up on it. Not saying if the opportunity comes to me I won't take it. But more than if I have accepted that it is more likely than not to happen.
I am starting to see my therapist again and booked two trips to escape. One is next week to visit a friend, do some hiking and get out. He's actually gay too, and he has gone through a lot of the same things I have, so I think it will be a good trip. The second trip is in two months on a two-week international trip. I am going alone.
I think I am trying to find myself as a gay man who I am. All those years of thinking of who I wanted to be, and who I actually am, have been somewhat wiped away. That's why I think at the moment I am emotionally unavailable.
Once, after the sudden and pretty traumatic end of a long-term relationship. I definitely wasn't ready to be there emotionally for a whole lot of people, and just kind of retreated to heal for a few months. I was very careful about what I involved myself in, socially and emotionally, during that time, because I knew my attention really wasn't being focused on others, because I had a lot to work out within myself. I just didn't have anything left for anybody else.
Emotional healing isn't unlike physiological healing...it takes time and it takes as long as it takes.
That's where I kind of feel like I am right now. I am just trying to find my way.
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