Started dating someone. He's a great guy, but I am embarassed by how he dresses. Solutions? (guys, loving)
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My ex had poor table manners and did not know how to dress even though I am the opposite, any suggestions on my part and he would get offended, so in reality there is not much you can do about it.
Your date is a grown man and doesn't care how he looks, makes me wonder if he is lazy in other areas of his life. Wanting to look and smell good for yourself to me shows a healthy self esteem.
A person with healthy self esteem doesn't have to look good and smell good for themselves. They may or may not do it for someone else.
This has nothing to do with lazy. That is just weird to think that.
OP also started a thread about dating someone where disparate levels of education are at play.
And both qualities in the two topics affect me the same way. I don't know why, but it makes me feel sad to picture myself telling my SO: "let's see if we can dress you up a bit". It's just so condescending to me. He works really hard. A lot, inside and out. He wouldn't dress like that at a fancy restaurant, because he wouldn't go to a fancy restaurant. Since going out to fancy places, and dressing to impress (as a couple) mean nothing to me, then I'm not going to have any problem with this guy.
Same goes with education, I guess this is kind of related because now that I think about it- he has two years of tech school education, I have a total of 6 years of college, would like to go back some more, will probably always have student loans. He earns twice as much money as I, could retire comfortably 10 years early, is very happy and successful in his work, and with himself.
Yeah, if I made remarks about his lack of style and lack of Education I don't think I would deserve to be with him. I didn't notice those two things until now really, because his other qualities are what attracted me.
I think OP should definitely move on and let this guy be.
Thanks for your suggestion, but I think your comment comes from an idealistic perspective. Sure, we need to care about the person, first. But saying that you absolutely don't care about what someone looks like, or how they look next to you is lying to yourself. I don't think you'd like your SO to show up in dirty, torn clothes, regardless of how great of a person they are. Nothing wrong for someone to aspire to be the best they can, in all the aspects they can control.
So the reality is yes, I acknowledge the great things about this guy, but yes, I also acknowledge his carelessness with his choice of clothes and shoes.
As a guy --
Relationships are give-and-take if they are ever to go anywhere. Sometimes that means you need to let him be his comparatively casual self, complete with boots, stains, tears, and scruffiness.
But you're right, it's NOT fair to pretend we simply don't care about how the other person looks.
Reiterating: As a guy...
Start subtly. And start with an open mind, ready to accept that he may not go for it AND that you also need to make sure to give him some leeway.
First, don't make him feel badly about how he dresses. DO NOT say "I wish you dressed more nicely."
I feel perfectly comfortable and well-dressed in a nice flannel and a pair of jeans, and don't care about my shoes... so it took a request from someone I cared about to try on a shirt for her. And it took her open appreciation of how it looked on me, smiles, and a few extra smooches, as well as taking my arm more publicly, to help the idea set.
I already knew I could "dress up nice," and know perfectly well how to do so. But I had ceased to care, and it took reminding that others appreciate more tidy, prim looks to get me to rekindle that part of myself.
This same woman didn't mind that I still rolled my sleeves, but she would straighten the wrinkles from the rolled cuff when I didn't pay quite enough attention to suit her. I COULD do so, simply hadn't cared. But she cared, so I gave it a little extra effort, no skin off my nose.
She didn't try to change me; she made it clear she did it because both she cared and it made her happier. I was fine with accommodating that.
Buy him a couple of shirts. Accept if he wears them with jeans, but don't be ashamed to ask him to change if the jeans are dirty-ish or have holes.
Compliment him in certain colors. He will gravitate toward those colors some to suit you, but you also have to be willing to accept those colors in other fabrics.
Thank him when he dresses up some to accommodate. Let him know YOU think he looks nice.
It's not about changing him, and you shouldn't. But we men sometimes need -- and DO NOT MIND a push when it's done right.
I'm not going to go through all the pages...but maybe I should.
But I'm thinking there IS a way you can gracefully make some suggestions, without him getting his feelings hurt.
When you two are casually walking along, you can say "man...you'd look so hot in ****" And then you let it go. If he wants to explore the thought, great. If he shows up on the next date wearing that super hot item, you know he's open to friendly suggestions.
The goal is to help him think he's a walking bag of potential. Not that he's been measured and found lacking.
One time I bought a girl a pair of boots [they were knee high tree-climbing boots and I already had the spurs that fit them], it was a few months before we got married. At the time my only vehicle was a dress motorcycle, we spent a lot of time on the road, and she needed boots for it anyway.
That was in 1980 and she still has those boots. [I wish I still had that motorcycle].
Well, apparently that isn't appropriate attire in her eyes.
But I'm thinking there IS a way you can gracefully make some suggestions, without him getting his feelings hurt.
When you two are casually walking along, you can say "man...you'd look so hot in ****" And then you let it go. .
If there is any way to go about bringing up the subject at all this early in the game , that's probably the best suggestion on this whole thread.
Or even pointing out some guys clothing and telling him that you like it but bet it would look even better on him
I was always very particular about the men I dated, but I think I would let this one slide for awhile if he was awesome in every other way. Most men are more than willing to upgrade their look for a woman (after some time).
This early in the game I would just tell him what I am wearing that night "Looking forward to dinner, I have an adorable LBD I've been wanting to wear, and some strappy heels." See what happens.
If DH showed up in something that looked like we were going on totally separate dates, I would just go change.
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I was seeing this a lot like how Urban Sasquatch talked about it, and others, that there's a good chance this could be nudged, as long as it's done kindly and diplomatically. More positive juju than judgment and all that jazz.
But then others have pointed out that this isn't the only thread, and there was the one about him also being uneducated. And I have to wonder if the OP is really looking down on him, thinking he is not her caliber of dude, and kind of trying to work in denial of her heart telling her this isn't a good match, because some other factors seem interesting, and maybe she isn't consciously comfortable with the reality that she's looking down on this dude. But that doesn't change the fact that it's happening.
I kinda get it because there was a point I developed some emotions for a guy who was not remotely "good enough" for me to partner with, and on some level I knew it...but he was cute, and a musician, and he made me feel good, so I tried to get past it. Talk myself around it. Looking back though...my word, that would never have worked. This dude was like one step up from being some kind of drifter, and his life's ambition was to be a famous Youtuber and play video games for a living. If your date and your teenage kids have the same life goals, you might be shooting a little too low. Just sayin'. If deep down, your heart is saying, "This man is not on your level. Not insofar as his education, his prospects, his level of class..." then you should probably cut him loose so that he can find someone who feels comfortable standing on his level in life, and keep looking for someone who stands closer to your own.
Sometimes we feel like someone will be grateful if we lift them up and give them more opportunities. That is a really bad idea when it's a big mismatch like I described above. The guy will resent you for being who you are, and you will resent him for taking advantage of what you have.
I recently went on a few dates with a guy. I like him as a person a lot, and I am physically attracted to him, but there is one problem.. I feel embarrassed when we walk next to each other because of how he dresses. He is a paramedic and a firefighter, and I get it that he's been used to casual outfits, probably because of his work, and because he doesn't live in a city. I am a nurse, and I like comfy clothes, too, but I have different styles for different occasions, and when we go out to eat, I like to wear something nice; even when it's a casual date, I still make sure my clothes and shoes are intact and clean.
He wears his work shoes everywhere! They are not even new and clean, but look rather worn, and with stains. The last time we went out he wore a hoodie with a small tear in it. When we walk next to each other, we just don't look like we match in any way. I doubt he does that on purpose; most likely how he dresses doesn't matter to him, and I am not sure he knows that, although superficial, this will become a deal breaker if it stays the same.
Is there a way to deal with this graciously, without hurting his feelings? Do I even have the right to comment on how he dresses, or should I just stop seeing him, and let him be his comfortable self?
My wife and girls broke me of that habit. I used to be somewhat careless/casual and still am when I'm alone. He needs to understand that he needs to listen to you and pay attention to what concerns you. For guys its a learned skill it seems. We really don't understand the insecurities of ladies when were young and in reality never do, we just adapt and learn to live with things.
Take into account his work too. My current gf knows what I do and our time is limited. I work outside for the most part or in a shop environment that is not clean. I can't meet her for coffee tonight if I have to go home and change then go to the restaurant. We keep it light, if we want to meet we go to SBs and save the restaurant for the weekend. Don't be so hard on him if his work is affecting his dress habits. Keep in mind too that we can be tired both physically and mentally and just have no energy to waste on such things. Any mother can tell you how easily that happens.
Thanks for your suggestion, but I think your comment comes from an idealistic perspective. Sure, we need to care about the person, first. But saying that you absolutely don't care about what someone looks like, or how they look next to you is lying to yourself. I don't think you'd like your SO to show up in dirty, torn clothes, regardless of how great of a person they are. Nothing wrong for someone to aspire to be the best they can, in all the aspects they can control.
So the reality is yes, I acknowledge the great things about this guy, but yes, I also acknowledge his carelessness with his choice of clothes and shoes.
My husband wears clothes covered in stains from work, some of his shirts have cigarette holes from his smoking, and he is a slob with he eats. Sometimes, he wears his work shoes when we go out.
I don't care. I have gone to Petsmart wearing jump pants and a t-shirt because I just got off work and I needed hay for my bunny. I wear a shirt, jeans and sneakers at the law firm where I work because the office is freezing, I don't get to meet clients in person or go to court and 10 hour shifts in heels and skirts is not my thing.
On certain occasions, we dress up. He has his Armani and Prada and I have my cocktail dress and heels.
We care about each other as people. Therefore, we care to be comfortable and happy over what other people think of us.
My husband is a grown man. I don't have the time, patience or desire to dress him up the way I want because I don't care. If you have to "teach" a grown man how to live his life, you need to step back and evaluate your position in the relationship as either "girlfriend" or "mother."
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