Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The vast majority of relationships end, and probably more than half end badly. Why single out FWB for special contempt? Let's instead single out marriage for contempt - that would make as much sense as your attitude, IMO.
I'm going to have to agree here. I was happy to get out of my marriage alive, happy about that for a long time, still am! So I would say that was a great ending.
In all seriousness I do also agree with the point that all relationships may end, the ones you hoped would last forever are much more painful to let go of. There were plans and hope. Sometimes one thinks they're in a long-term relationship and it ends horribly. At least with FWB you have to be in an emotional (or non-emotional) place with that possibilty, that either may change, and at least you made it clear you weren't looking for commitment.
The question was: "Have you ever been in an FWB?" The replies from the people who have been, or are, or not so negative. I think that's because of the attitude that would be necessary to be in an FWB. If it's not a good idea and the consequences are not acceptable, don't get into one.
May I ask why you pointed this out, please? I went back through TaoistDude's posts here and couldn't find anything to indicate that he thought otherwise. (Edit: I might have missed something, guess that's why I'm asking.)
To speak to where he's going with his comments though, I don't think any relationship choices deserve contempt, unless they involve someone who cannot give proper consent, or they are abusive or something. I think that someone who is self aware enough to say, "FWB arrangements would not work for me" is just as admirable as someone who is self aware enough to say "A long term committed relationship would not work for me."
Though I would respect someone more, if their reasoning for whatever they choose comes from a place of knowing themselves and what is healthy for them and what they have to offer...rather than one of externally sourced ideals from authority figures and institutions. Not saying one should necessarily reject the latter, but I think it's reasonable to evaluate if a set of beliefs is leading one to live a happy and fulfilled life, if it is in harmony with what is inside, or in conflict.
At least with FWB you have to be in an emotional (or non-emotional) place with that possibilty, that either may change, and at least you made it clear you weren't looking for commitment.
Right, and since the OP has said here that she is falling for the guy, it appears she is not in the right frame of mind for FWB.
It works for some but not all, but it never works for those who linger hoping for their partner to fall in love.
Right, and since the OP has said here that she is falling for the guy, it appears she is not in the right frame of mind for FWB.
It works for some but not all, but it never works for those who linger hoping for their partner to fall in love.
It doesn't. Everytime I hear about how it didn't, it almost always seems like it was a woman who ends up getting her feelings hurt. Maybe women aren't programmed as well as men for this, or men are more apt to be more confused and not talk about it when they wanted more and the woman didn't want to commit. That's why I've always wondered if I'm actually a man, and didn't know it. My emotions seem to be more live in the moment, but experience has shaped that.
Right, and since the OP has said here that she is falling for the guy, it appears she is not in the right frame of mind for FWB.
It works for some but not all, but it never works for those who linger hoping for their partner to fall in love.
It leads to another question oft discussed in books on non-monogamy. Just because someone is falling in love or getting emotionally attached, does that mean that the label and structure of the relationship must then change? Does it necessitate taking any action at all? Or can they simply go on enjoying what they are doing and relishing the loving feelings that are happening like frosting on a cake?
Ultimately many people are wondering if we don't have the freedom to write our own scripts when it comes to relationships in general. I find it near-comical how exciting I find it, contemplating all this freedom!...and then realizing that I'm very happy with plain ol' committed monogamy. Some rebel I am. lol!
OH, I thought you said ALL of your relationships ended amicably.
Don't misrepresent what I said. I said all of my FWB relationships ended amicably.
You don't think so? Even FWB are not effortless.
I never said anything about FWB or other relationships being effortless. That's you clouding and misrepresenting what I did say, and adding things I never said. Please cut the BS.
... except for yours ...
I've had good FWB relationships, and am still close friends with all of them. Good communication, mutual respect, and honesty generally leads to good results, I've found.
You may be confusing me with another poster, since I haven't singled out any type of relationship for contempt. I have contempt for BS and hubris, both of which I've been picking up on heavily in this thread.
Funny, I've been picking up on that, too!
Also, the OP is a woman FWIW.
I know. Not sure how/why it would matter. I happen to think that men and women are equals, and would give the same advice about FWB to anyone.
And that is: communicate. Be honest. If you develop feelings, communicate that. It may lead to what you want, or may lead to a breakup, which will happen eventually if you are not on the same page. When you try to hold on to something dishonestly, is when you are likely to be hurt the most.
I know. Not sure how/why it would matter. I happen to think that men and women are equals, and would give the same advice about FWB to anyone.
I wasn't sure you did know since you wrote this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude
I agree. OP did say he'd be open to a relationship with the right person and circumstances.
And it does matter, as you've been here long enough to know, but I'm not interested in bickering all day long. Since we've already started ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude
And that is: communicate. Be honest. If you develop feelings, communicate that. It may lead to what you want, or may lead to a breakup, which will happen eventually if you are not on the same page. When you try to hold on to something dishonestly, is when you are likely to be hurt the most.
Yes, and the OP already knows she has feelings but has not communicated that, so is not in a position to "not care" how it turns out.
LOL @ "clouding and misrepresenting"
When you toss out one-offs like "Why care ...?" you leave yourself open to interpretation, which you defensively call "misrepresentation."
The OP already cares. So ... thanks for stopping by.
It doesn't. Everytime I hear about how it didn't, it almost always seems like it was a woman who ends up getting her feelings hurt. Maybe women aren't programmed as well as men for this, or men are more apt to be more confused and not talk about it when they wanted more and the woman didn't want to commit. That's why I've always wondered if I'm actually a man, and didn't know it. My emotions seem to be more live in the moment, but experience has shaped that.
I agree that many people aren't programmed for it, and I do think that men who aren't don't talk about it as much because of the expectation that they can and should just want sex whenever with whomever.
Those who are usually are pretty good at spotting the people who aren't.
No having sex with someone who is not in love with me turns me off alot and I just find it vile to be touched by someone who has no real regard for me.Most women who are in these type of things seem to look for more in it,like searching for an emotional bond which is what I read in your post.To most men it is just a way to get off and nothing more.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
