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I'm just saying, we're all on a timetable. Finding the right person, coupling, having kids, death. No one's implying rushing, but it's quicker that you might realize. Maybe it's because I'm right in the middle here, but just saying... something to keep in mind.
That "timetable" is self imposed. You can carry out your life any way that you want. It doesn't have to be the same mediocre grow up, get a job, get married with a white picket fence thing. I think that expectation taken too far can be more damaging than helpful. I don't know who set that as the standard but it's not the only path a person can take in order to be happy.
I've been in a very passionate and loving LTR prior to marriage. For one reason or another we simply couldn't build a life together; For one, she was a single mother of two and I wanted children. She couldn't. We mutually decided to break it off amicably; letting each other find happiness even if it meant with someone else. We did stop communicating for a period of time to recollect/recover but it was only a matter of time before we reconnected. She was there when I did find someone else. She was there when we got married. She was there when we had our three children. She was also there for me when the marriage started to fail. I don't think we stopped loving each other... simply accepted that it wasn't meant to be.
You know, as one of the most unromantic people you'll ever talk to , I found your story pretty touching. Far more so than the sedate, introverted, "joined at the hip 24/7" relationships that a lot of people have.
Your story, combined with my own situation I prefer not to share right now for privacy's sake, sounds like an idea for a book. A man and a woman meet, and quickly become great friends. They never date, let alone have sex, even though both of them are single the whole time they know each other. Years, then decades, pass. When their health declines, they have to move into an assisted living faculty. That's when a problem comes up: only married couples can share a room, with single persons being assigned a same-sex roommate. So these friends have to get married, in order to be assigned the same room. Due to the mellowness and healthy apathy that comes with old age, this arrangement works out well. The "couple" lives together peacefully as platonic roommates despite being married, befriends single residents, and people find their situation intriguing.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 11-17-2017 at 10:34 AM..
I didn't give up as such, it just didn't seem like a worthwhile or realistic goal, so I never pursued it.
Like Randy, I have a disability. I freely admit hiding behind it and using it as an excuse to deal myself out of the dating game before I've played it. Rightly or wrongly, I believe life is hard enough on my own. Far from being a magic bullet solution, inviting another person into my life, world, head and heart would only complicate things further. Is it worth it for them or me?
I don't think so.
I can count on one hand (with plenty of fingers left over) the number of times I've 'caught feelings' since circumstance became choice. These, of course, were not reciprocated and a waste of time and energy.
I didn't give up as such, it just didn't seem like a worthwhile or realistic goal, so I never pursued it.
"Not worthwhile" is my reason too. Although it's more like not wanting to do what "love" will demand from me. For example, not being able to go out with friends, having to drop my hobbies, being joined at the hip with my SO at all times, and going home at 9:00 PM on a Saturday because she says so. Is "love" good? Yeah, I guess. Do I think it's worth doing these things for it? No way! Are these trivial reasons? Not to me.
For a relatable analogy, it's like not joining the Armed Forces because you don't want to go through the usual elements of basic training. (Think of "Full Metal Jacket"; great movie, but still.) Also because you know that military life isn't for you, but I'm focusing on things like the drill instructor making you carry your mattress up and down the stairs, because your pillow was an inch out of position.
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 11-17-2017 at 12:36 PM..
"Not worthwhile" is my reason too. Although it's more like not wanting to do what "love" will demand from me. For example, not being able to go out with friends, having to drop my hobbies, being joined at the hip with my SO at all times, and going home at 9:00 PM because she says so. Is "love" good? Yeah, I guess. Do I think it's worth doing these things for it? No way! Are these trivial reasons? Not to me.
For a relatable analogy, it's like not joining the Armed Forces because you don't want to go through the usual elements of basic training. (Think of "Full Metal Jacket"; great movie, but still.) Also because you know that military life isn't for you, but I'm focusing on things like the drill instructor making you carry your mattress up and down the stairs, because your pillow was an inch out of position.
I dunno, that's kind of what I like about my FWB. I mean, it should be stipulated that he and I are both people who should not be in a romantic relationship - he's got severe PTSD and I'm basically just a mess with my trust issues. But we kind of don't put demands on each other in terms of hobbies, time spent with each other, etc. We keep things at the friendship level. We're both adults with very active lives and careers - we don't have time for the relationship bells and whistles.
I KNOW what I"m missing. Most of my friends who are in relationships are in wonderful ones. But like you, for me, the boot camp part is just not worth it. My life is pretty happy as is - so why risk investing so much effort in what could turn out to be a bad relationship in the end anyway, when right now I have the good parts and none of the bad parts? I mean, I could reach for the brass ring, but why risk my current level of happiness to do that when I'm not actually pining for more?
I dunno, that's kind of what I like about my FWB. I mean, it should be stipulated that he and I are both people who should not be in a romantic relationship - he's got severe PTSD and I'm basically just a mess with my trust issues. But we kind of don't put demands on each other in terms of hobbies, time spent with each other, etc. We keep things at the friendship level. We're both adults with very active lives and careers - we don't have time for the relationship bells and whistles.
I KNOW what I"m missing. Most of my friends who are in relationships are in wonderful ones. But like you, for me, the boot camp part is just not worth it. My life is pretty happy as is - so why risk investing so much effort in what could turn out to be a bad relationship in the end anyway, when right now I have the good parts and none of the bad parts? I mean, I could reach for the brass ring, but why risk my current level of happiness to do that when I'm not actually pining for more?
If it were up to me, I'd have the same arrangement. But the thing is: I'm in my mid 30's, and most women my age want the kind of relationship I described earlier, not the kind I want. (You didn't say how old you are.) Like how most drill instructors are very strict, greater good nonewithstanding. Which makes finding an arrangement like yours similar to finding a "nice" drill instructor---he will let you keep your MRE coffee instead of confiscating it, for example---it's still basic training just the same.
I'm not sure what to say about my friends' relationships at this point. They seem happy; I'll give them that. But seeing their relationships unfold permanently dissuaded me from looking for a girlfriend ever again.
Also, right now, even FWB doesn't seem worth the effort it'll require. Because my sex drive is practically nonexistent. So platonic friendship is the next best thing. Maybe in a decade, I'll revisit the idea. <shrug>
Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; 11-17-2017 at 01:06 PM..
Aren't they one and the same? Or is there compartmentalizing involved, similar to loving America but hating the government?
I don't think that's what he meant, either.
ehh... It's more about what i meant.
My point is being in a relationship is not the be all end all and is not worth all of the misery we often would put up with for the sake of being in a relationship.
...but to each his own.
I'm just saying, we're all on a timetable. Finding the right person, coupling, having kids, death. No one's implying rushing, but it's quicker that you might realize. Maybe it's because I'm right in the middle here, but just saying... something to keep in mind.
Again, would you rather spend this "timetable" in a miserable relationship, or would you rather use your timetable for a more fulfilling life and a possibility of a happier relationship if you had the choice?
It goes both ways.
I don't know what you mean by "right in the middle?"
Are you in a relationship?, on the verge of a relationship?
That in the middle?
If she seems hesitant, then don't get your hopes up. Speaking from experience.
My point is being in a relationship is not the be all end all and is not worth all of the misery we often would put up with for the sake of being in a relationship.
I agree. Far too many people get into relationships because it's "normal" to be in a relationship. (Read: have a boyfriend/girlfriend.) The demographics most guilty of this mindset are inexperienced men in their late teens and both genders in their early 30's. But your statement could really apply to anyone.
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Indeed. 
, I found your story pretty touching. Far more so than the sedate, introverted, "joined at the hip 24/7" relationships that a lot of people have.
Or is there compartmentalizing involved, similar to loving America but hating the government?
