Should people that do not have regular sex with their partner really be surprised when... (spouses, affairs)

[Maepelone]

Originally Posted by klmrocks

Why are people that do not have regular sex with their partner surprised when they find out their partner is cheating?

This always annoys me.

I was having a conversation with a friend a while back and she mentioned that she could not even remember that last time her and her husband had sex because they were so busy with the kids and work. Then she just brushed it off as it was not big deal. Reality is that most adults with kids and jobs are busy. That does not mean they stop having sex for months !

When she said this my eyes almost fell out of their sockets.

What I said was, "Really? If I was not having sex with my husband I don't really think I would have much reason for keeping him around".

What I wanted to say is you better fix that or don't be surprised when you find out he has been cheating on you or leaves you.

I seriously wanted to shake her and tell her the SHE NEEDS to figure out what is going on because if he is not sleeping with her something it up. The average healthy man in his mid 30s does not suddenly stop wanting to have sex. The question is more likely why does he not want to have sex with you?

To make matters even worse is that before getting married he did actually cheat. When she found out she was furious. They when to counselling and remained together. Now like 8-10 years later after getting married and having 2 kids that are school age they "are too busy to have sex". Her husband is a nice guy at face value, but he has cheated on her before and also has friend that cheats on his wife.

It is none of my business to some extent, but as someone who has been a life long freind it is so hard to see a exceptionally smart women is so many other areas be so blind.

I really felt like telling her get your head out of your butt, invest a little less time obessing about making sure your gets gets stright A marks in JK and pay attention to relationship with your husband before you become a single parent.

Why are people naive enough to think that if they are not meeting their partner's needs that they are going to forever be okay with living in a sexless relationship. Knowing this couple since the start of their relationship makes me feel this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I would personally be crazy worried if my husband did not want to have sex with me. So I don't get how she thinks this not a problem. I totally see in this case that he obession with being a perfect parent is leaving her husband out in the cold. I can understand being so attached at the hip to your kids when they are babies and toddlers.... but they are not that small anymore. Plus her parents live near and able to watch them and they live in a big house so not much of an excuse for them not to have alone time.

Anyone who has been in this situation want to add their 2 cents?

I agree with you!!!

[klmrocks]

Originally Posted by Northside904

Yes and No. Maybe their sex drive isn't as high as their spouse's, and if that causes one spouse to cheat, then cheating was in the back of their minds all along.

I dont think so in many cases.
I think that when people continue to neglict, mistreat or ignore their parenters for prolong periods of time they also need to take some accountabily for why the relationship failed regardless if it just ends or their parenter starts to take interest in other people.

Then again by reading these comments from all sides I think bottom line is some people are just use to or more likely to put up with being neglected and are not use to getting what the want.

I must fully spell out that I come from the city where Ashley Madison was created.
I am not in support of cheating, but in think over the last few years I have explored this topic more and more out of curiosity. I know that had always been under the banner of "cheaters are horrible ... it is as simple as that", but after researching the topic more and hearing the stories from so many different perspectives..... I am seeing the grey area is a lot wider on this topic.

The tag phrase for Ashley Madison is "Life is short".....
And I now more then ever get what it is a epic marketing tool.

It speaks directly to all those people who are in dull sexless relationships.....
They might love their parenters in so many ways .... but I just tired of not getting what they fully want out of the relationship and LIFE IS short..... why toss your life way being miserable because the person you are with wont have sex with you. Not having sex with your partner opens the opportunity for them to

1. Continue to live a 1/2 mass for the rest of their lives
or
2. The persue other methods of getting a sexual release

People that chose to withdraw physically from their relationships ... have infact crack the door open for temptation.

But ... that is just my opinion.

I am sure "team giving him blue balls" is not a problem think otherwise.

Then again I come from a major city and legend has it that city flokes have a high level on entitlement to getting what they want vs taking what they can get. I do notice many members of "team blue balls" live in middle of no where.

At the end of the day as long as both people are happy that is what matters.... let's just hope one is just not pretending to be happy.

[klmrocks]

Originally Posted by RbccL

If you're not a monogamous person by nature, then it may seem "vanilla" and negative and possessive to you, but if you are monogamous then you've chosen ONE person. Work out your difficulties with them. The thought to not work out your problems and go have sex with someone else, or let them go find other partners is not a matter of wanting their happiness over all else. It's a matter of expecting to resolve the issue within the relationship.

A monogamous person does not wish for their partner to suffer and be unhappy...that's kind of insulting.

So in short if you want to remain in a monogamous relationship you better put effort in to ensuring your partner is sexually satisfied and their needs are being met. That is your responsibility in the marriage.... unless you sick.... not really see the excuse for the cop out.

[klmrocks]

Originally Posted by RbccL

IMO, it is my "duty" to have sex with my partner whenever he wants, within reason of course, not 5 minutes before I'm leaving for work.

This works for me, even if I'm mad about something. It's much easier to bring up a difficult subject after sex. It's a different world then, altogether.

That is basically what I learned over time.
Reasonable requests should not be denied.
It is not always all about me.
Give him that short period of being the centre of my attention should not be a big deal.
People find so many other ways to waste time ... cut out a few of those things to make him or hear feel good.

[klmrocks]

Originally Posted by Scrat335

Me and my ex were together for 16 years and there were periods where we went without intimacy for weeks and (rarely) a couple of months max. With 2 daughters and life in general it's hard to get the time let alone the space for such indulgences. Anyone with a family can tell you that. There were also times we were pissed off at one another and that certainly wasn't going to get things going. We always found time for ourselves and and good chemistry I guess. It took effort and balance and in some cases downright opportunism on both our parts.

I think for the most part it was because we had a mission, a reason to be together. Most of our relationship seemed to come from that and survive as long as it did because of that. We were comrades, and we respected each other. That gave us a sense of security with one another and we knew we could at times do as we wished without concern.

It's hard to explain but if people are not walking together on the same path it leads to bad things happening. You need to take care of the other and you need to care about you and yours.

I am a parent.
My suggesting to other parents are put a lock on your bedroom door for goodness sake and turn the tv up lol.
Where there is a will there is a way.

When people are teenagers sneaking around trying to have sex they figure out a way to have sex.
I have got decades of experience under my belt and my own home now ... so finding an opportunity to have sex should be pretty simple.

[PK12]

Then the two should part ways.

Cheating is absolutely never justified.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by RbccL

I was addressing the fact that you make it sound like people who are monogamous either want to do "happy things" or see the other suffer. That could be seen for any style of relationship, just because one chooses to have sex outside of the relationship, doesn't mean they're going to do only "happy things" with all of the others. If they can't get past basic issues with ONE partner, why would "opening it up" to spread their dysfunction or lack of relationship problem solving skills around with everybody be a better option?

It's really not like that at all.

One of the truest truths in this thread ....

If you have a bad recipe, randomly adding more ingredients isn't likely to make it better.

Originally Posted by klmrocks

I dont think so in many cases.
I think that when people continue to neglict, mistreat or ignore their parenters for prolong periods of time they also need to take some accountabily for why the relationship failed regardless if it just ends or their parenter starts to take interest in other people.

Then again by reading these comments from all sides I think bottom line is some people are just use to or more likely to put up with being neglected and are not use to getting what the want.

I must fully spell out that I come from the city where Ashley Madison was created.
I am not in support of cheating, but in think over the last few years I have explored this topic more and more out of curiosity. I know that had always been under the banner of "cheaters are horrible ... it is as simple as that", but after researching the topic more and hearing the stories from so many different perspectives..... I am seeing the grey area is a lot wider on this topic.

The tag phrase for Ashley Madison is "Life is short".....
And I now more then ever get what it is a epic marketing tool.

It speaks directly to all those people who are in dull sexless relationships.....
They might love their parenters in so many ways .... but I just tired of not getting what they fully want out of the relationship and LIFE IS short..... why toss your life way being miserable because the person you are with wont have sex with you. Not having sex with your partner opens the opportunity for them to

1. Continue to live a 1/2 mass for the rest of their lives
or
2. The persue other methods of getting a sexual release

People that chose to withdraw physically from their relationships ... have infact crack the door open for temptation.

But ... that is just my opinion.

I am sure "team giving him blue balls" is not a problem think otherwise.

Then again I come from a major city and legend has it that city flokes have a high level on entitlement to getting what they want vs taking what they can get. I do notice many members of "team blue balls" live in middle of no where.

At the end of the day as long as both people are happy that is what matters.... let's just hope one is just not pretending to be happy.

You are ***this close**** to having meaningful points, but your posts are so full of stereotypes and assumptions that it limits your thinking.

You assume that those of us who don't live in major metropolitan areas live "in the middle of nowhere."
You oversimplify sexual problems into two camps, as if those are the ONLY options.
Dismissing people with experience and opinions as "team blue balls" exposes the limits of your point of view.

It appears that the influence of Ashley Madison, which is NOT as globally influential as you might be tempted to think, has taken hold of you.

Face it ... you had a decent idea here that was very poorly executed and couldn't stand up to analysis and interpretation. This issue is WAAAYY more complicated than you'd like to have us believe.

[MadeUnderground]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

So if you have to consider some creative solutions to make that work...why would you NOT?

I admire people who can do this but I just can't. There's no flipping way. I'd rather just break up if it came to that.

[monumentus]

Originally Posted by klmrocks

Why are people that do not have regular sex with their partner surprised when they find out their partner is cheating?

This always annoys me.

Perhaps because relationships and people in relationships do not _owe_ you sex. Sex is something that is shared - not performed as a chore - and so it should only be engaged in when all parties concerned actually want to engage in it.

However honesty and commitment _are_ expected in relationships and if you are not happy with the sexual activity in your relationship then be a mature adult and _talk_ about it. And if a resolution can not be found then have the courage of character to end the relationship and move on.

The problem here seems not to be the level of sex people are or are not having. But the level of maturity and honesty with which they confront and discuss sexual issues as they arise.

Originally Posted by klmrocks

What I said was, "Really? If I was not having sex with my husband I don't really think I would have much reason for keeping him around".

If you have nothing worth building or maintaining your relationship on other than the sexual activity then you have my sympathy. There is nothing more to say than that really

[Sibay]

Originally Posted by klmrocks

Why are people that do not have regular sex with their partner surprised when they find out their partner is cheating?
This always annoys me................Why are people naive enough to think that if they are not meeting their partner's needs that they are going to forever be okay with living in a sexless relationship. Knowing this couple since the start of their relationship makes me feel this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Why does it annoy you?
The needs of your friend and her husband have nothing to do with YOUR expectations in a partner.
Your views about sex/marriage are perfectly valid FOR YOU but that doesn't mean everyone who doesn't feel the way you do is wrong or that your friend and her husband aren't happy with their life.