Originally Posted by CoeurBrise
Hi Citi-Data,
3 years ago and at the age of 27, I had my first real relationship. I have a difficult life which prevented a relationship before then. That relationship, although intense, ended badly. It ended badly for me because he met someone else and stopped having feelings for me. It is the truth that someone else was more compatible. I was heartbroken, but with time, was able to somewhat move on with life, the scars of this still fresh on my heart and mind but at least I was able to function.
I dated a few unsuccessfully and focused on my career and finishing my degree. I realized that I am unable to handle the risks associated with falling in love and having someone just fall out of love with me and break my heart made me not want to try again. I also realized that I could not handle romantic disappointment, this break up had been really hard on me and destroyed my self esteem.
But I was going to go through something much worse.
About six months ago, I get a Facebook message that surprised me. It was from, we'll call him K, although the situation above was my first breakup, K was actually my first real love. K and I met had met on Yahoo Pool 15 years prior and became the greatest of friends. I always had trouble connecting with people so that relationship meant the world to me. We were chatting always, first online and then on the phone where we would pull all nighters. For two years, K was the center of my universe. We even exchanged I love yous. K however did not want to meet with me due to the fact that I was a minor at the time. Our relationship eventually fell apart when I found out that he had met another girl from our virtual group of friends. We fought a lot and drifted apart. I experienced my first heartbreak then and although maintained very minimal contact for two years after, it took me years until I stopped crying over him.
This message surprised me and we reconnected like before. He expressed to me that he had for years tried to reconnect and that I ignored him. I searched through an old email address and realized that he did not lie , for years he tried to email me and told me he could never forget me , I did not realize he was writing me at that email address. Reconnecting with him lifted my heart and spirit and I wished that in my teenage jealousy I had not given him up years ago. He admitted that he was in a (difficult) relationship but not married and he told me he did not have children.
I soon remembered what I had gone through before and my emotional fragility when it came to romantic love. I realized that I was headed to the same path and in a moment of self preservation sent him a message telling him that I wanted to end it, I told him that I must end this because I felt old feelings resurfacing and did not want to be left heartbroken. He dismissed my letter and told me how could I want to give us up again, especially after waiting for 15 years to reconnect.
We ended up meeting after talking for two months. It was magical, that magic and chemistry that we felt online was the same in person. We had actually decided not to exchange pictures until we met just to be completely surprised. We spent days in bed together and I felt myself fall in love again. This was the first person I loved and I missed my chance with him before and he was in my arms again. Although he lived in Montreal and I live in NY, he promised to come once a month so that we can explore what could happen between us.
So we kept that routine, he would come to NY, we would meet and spent a few hours of heaven together.
The last time he came, I found him a bit distant. His communication became less and less frequent . This pushed me to look into his life and find out more about his home life. That's when I stumbled on his wife's Facebook with pictures of their children, 12 and 3. I became inconsolable and heartbroken. I sent a screenshot of the wife's Facebook to him. I could not bear to write anything.
He answered by telling me that he did not want to lose me after finding me and that he could not let me split through his fingers. I told him that I had warned him that I was in a bad place to begin with, and he should have left me alone when I told him that. He asked me to wait a couple more years for him to straighten out his life.
I want to end it. This relationship that filled me with hope was nothing. But I love him, and part of me clings to him and wants to wait. My heart is broken, what should I do? I can't let go.
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