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I think he has struggles with time management, and he's not handling the stress well.
I actually sympathize with him some...but with you, too, OP. I struggle with time management, too. But I tend to get mad at MYSELF when I suddenly feel like freaking out, I've got all this stuff to do and no time. Like right now, Monday night I was exhausted and did nothing. Sat around reading a book, just mentally had no mojo to get anything done. Tuesday, I had an ice cream date with a new friend I'm enthusiastic about. Yesterday my son had an Orchestra concert. Today, I've committed to spending time with my boyfriend and I know we're both wanting and looking forward to it. Quite a bit of that in the next two days as well, and some weekend plans for attending somewhat obligatory social functions. And I am full time employed, my teenage sons need some of my time, I still have to squeeze sleep in there, and at least a minimal amount of housekeeping... But I'm wigging out slightly, as I have a list of important things I want to accomplish (like the online part of my holiday shopping that needs to get done soon) and I just don't know where to put these tasks.
I could tell my boyfriend, "Look I need to take some of our time to get some things done." He'd understand. It would be so much nicer to handle it that way, than to say "I am sacrificing my time to our relationships" even if your guy is going on to say it's a willing sacrifice. He is not being kind in HOW he is saying this to you. But in your shoes, I would say, "You clearly need more time without me around, and I don't want you to feel obligated to block off hours you need for school, for me...so I am going to leave you alone for a while." And then let his time management failures (video games) be squarely his own fault, if they happen.
But you know what? I'm also picking up that maybe he wants to fit you into a life he already had full of his own priorities without adjusting his fun time, and he's finding that SOMETHING has got to give...we only have so many hours in a day...and he's also subconsciously stressed about how things would change if you lived together. Like, for instance, CAN he choose to do schoolwork if you are physically present? How would that work if you were present, always?
I think that your best move if you want to keep this relationship, is to demonstrate to him that you CAN give him his own time and space. But also find a way to let him know, that if he wastes his own time instead of using it productively, that is on him, not you. Also, it sounds like Quality Time might be your love language, so try to remember, if it is not necessarily his, that him struggling with this or needing some time apart, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you're not familiar with love languages, please Google and read up, it might be a helpful concept.
I think he has struggles with time management, and he's not handling the stress well.
I actually sympathize with him some...but with you, too, OP. I struggle with time management, too. But I tend to get mad at MYSELF when I suddenly feel like freaking out, I've got all this stuff to do and no time. Like right now, Monday night I was exhausted and did nothing. Sat around reading a book, just mentally had no mojo to get anything done. Tuesday, I had an ice cream date with a new friend I'm enthusiastic about. Yesterday my son had an Orchestra concert. Today, I've committed to spending time with my boyfriend and I know we're both wanting and looking forward to it. Quite a bit of that in the next two days as well, and some weekend plans for attending somewhat obligatory social functions. And I am full time employed, my teenage sons need some of my time, I still have to squeeze sleep in there, and at least a minimal amount of housekeeping... But I'm wigging out slightly, as I have a list of important things I want to accomplish (like the online part of my holiday shopping that needs to get done soon) and I just don't know where to put these tasks.
I could tell my boyfriend, "Look I need to take some of our time to get some things done." He'd understand. It would be so much nicer to handle it that way, than to say "I am sacrificing my time to our relationships" even if your guy is going on to say it's a willing sacrifice. He is not being kind in HOW he is saying this to you. But in your shoes, I would say, "You clearly need more time without me around, and I don't want you to feel obligated to block off hours you need for school, for me...so I am going to leave you alone for a while." And then let his time management failures (video games) be squarely his own fault, if they happen.
But you know what? I'm also picking up that maybe he wants to fit you into a life he already had full of his own priorities without adjusting his fun time, and he's finding that SOMETHING has got to give...we only have so many hours in a day...and he's also subconsciously stressed about how things would change if you lived together. Like, for instance, CAN he choose to do schoolwork if you are physically present? How would that work if you were present, always?
I think that your best move if you want to keep this relationship, is to demonstrate to him that you CAN give him his own time and space. But also find a way to let him know, that if he wastes his own time instead of using it productively, that is on him, not you. Also, it sounds like Quality Time might be your love language, so try to remember, if it is not necessarily his, that him struggling with this or needing some time apart, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you're not familiar with love languages, please Google and read up, it might be a helpful concept.
Thanks. We actually just finished reading the love languages book. His love language is quality time but doing things like dates, outside activities, etc. we spend a lot of time inside now that’s its getting cold here so he doesn’t really count that. He really just can’t manage his time at all but chooses to take it out on me. Like for example, I left around 9 pm on Monday because he said he was going to clean his room. When I saw him on Wednesday, his room looked the same. I went home that night and actually did chores but he just played video games and then he gets stressed out and blames it on my presence but not his lack of productivity.
It’s stress coping mechanism. It’s natural for people to take out their shortcomings by overcompensating and taking it out on those closest to him.
My assumption is that you will go through a great deal of this behavior until he maturates out of it. Your call on if he and the relationship are worth it.
I recently dumped a woman who was exactly like the OPs boyfriend. Each time I wanted to hang out with her she got annoyed and aggressive. After so much of that I pulled the plug and got rid of her and the OP shoukd do the same with this guy.
I think I'd start being too busy when he calls. If he presses you, tell him you've got other plans. Cause at this point, I would think watching paint dry is more fun than his snotty remarks.
Dude just wants to spend time on the Xbox, and here this girl has him reading the Love Languages ....
smh
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