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Amethyst Realm is a cool "name" though. Might use it in a story. Nyahaha.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I almost closed that page when I saw the word “God.” But I resisted and read on and realized that I was guilty of this. I’m sure the regulars remember my yearlong thing with the Cincy girl. I emotionally invested myself too much into it. I pseudoed dated her thinking damn I got a keeper but I should have realized I caught feelings for someone I was never in the physical presence of.
I guess pseudo dating is better defined as getting too emotionally invested without checking yourself.
I can relate to this.
I was teenager when I started talking to someone over social media. We both had mutual friends IRL, so he was "real," I just never met him. Long story short, I attached a fantasy to him and ended up screwing myself over. It took me a LONG time to get over that one. The big difference with the story in the OP and mine is that there was attraction on both sides. It just never had a chance to grow into something more due to distance and bad timing. I had people telling me it was like dear john. Others (who were more rooted in reality I think) were saying that, although he may have liked me for a time, he was more than likely "doing his own thing" while I was simply just "pining for him." I didn't really "get that" back then, but now I do.
Hm. Well, I think that even if you don't fantasy date someone before actually bringing them on board, there's a thing I've stressed and fussed about many times in my life. The "mismatched feelings" problem. This can happen any time, in any relationship. I thought it was my own particular curse. In reality, it was a function, I now believe, of immature behavior and relating on my part. I like to hope I have now grown past it.
What it looked like was that I'd date someone, decide that the "sapio" piece clicked (mental connection) and therefore there was attraction for me, then proceed to sex, and if then the chemical piece clicked, then my emotions would start getting involved in it. It doesn't take long for me to start having what seem like "loving" feelings for someone...where now I want to know everything about them, and I'm just so jazzed about spending time with them, they are nearly drug-like. Of course this is "only" infatuation, lust, NRE, limerance, or whatever word one wishes to use for early chemical bonding stuff. But the problem was...I'd express it. And if he wasn't feeling that, and usually that soon he wasn't, then he'd get uncomfortable and end things. Boo hoo.
Now this actually happened more often in my history with the guy falling for me, and rarely with me falling for them. Most often, nobody really fell for anybody and the connection was brief and over quickly (with most of my partners, which again, was mostly in high school.) But then most of my partners have been something more like FWB than real relationship attempts, so that explains those stats somewhat.
But I thought it was a sadly impossible thing, for both people to have big feels at the same time. Until I was 36 and for the first time kept my progress deliberately slow, and did not take another little step into investment and commitment until BOTH of us were ready to talk about it and felt on the same page. In a way, it's about not imposing your intensity on someone who just isn't ready (and might not ever be ready!) and waiting for more subtle signals, like them wanting to spend more time together and such, that they are ready to step forward with you.
Oh, and the whole "dating ghosts" thing that was mentioned... I had a friend who was a somewhat famous rock singer, die in 2014, to the great sorrow of many, and this...this...crazy, stupid little turnip of a woman...won't shut up on social media now about how she is in a committed romantic and sexual relationship with his ghost. She never even met him in person when he was alive, but now she is claiming this. Like I could at least feel for a woman he'd actually dated and this was a weird manifestation of her grief, but this...ugh, just fills me with stabby feelings. So as insane as it is on its face, it's worse when someone claims this nonsense about someone you cared about who has passed. It feels infuriatingly disrespectful and presumptuous and self-aggrandizing.
But yeah, mismatched investment is fairly normal, but living in a fantasy relationship is a little crazy.
No, this isn't really a thing that requires a new name. It's just what happens when someone gets more invested in the developing relationship, misreads the cues and then winds up disappointed. This lady just made up a word for it and threw in a bunch of God references.
When you project your expectations on another person, well, it's not going to end well for you generally.
People always trying acting like they discovered something new. This sounds like pretty regular behavior. Especially in today's world. We now live in a world where you can simply swipe left and right on an app to choose a date. We have so many options, and more so for women. It's easy to be all into someone, but to have a whole bunch of other people on the back burner. It's easier today to not be so invested and lose interest because it's easier to find that next person.
well being in more than a few of these" relationships" years ago.. I feel like someone needs to ask.. how can someone proceeed realistically if they found themselves "in love" with someone who doesn't know.or doesn't know them . or isn't in anyway invested in the " relationship" Yet?
so as someone who warms up slowly to anyone romanticly speaking. I could pseudo date a guy years before I even might become in any way interested in a real date.
but guys pseudo dated me like crazy and tried to get me .. any which way but lose.. which made me even slower to commit , or become interested in having relationships with anyone. I suspect. but I suspect that these kinds of lopsided relationship can make it if folks knew how to proceed once they know they are in a lopsided relationship.
how do you make your heart catch up? or fall backward... just because you want it too. but those crazy things called emotions do what they want .. not necessarily what you want them to do.
so my question is if you find that you are on one end or the other of a pseudo dating situation and are really interested in the person, or they just aren't where you are .. How do you proceed ..but you can't make your heart be where theirs is , and the harder you try to make it happen it will not happen until the heart fills it is free to feel what it has to feel and to grow into what the person wants their heart to be feeling.. .. .. because obviously there can be a two way attraction.. but if the heart is in different places then it is just at different places . so how do you proceed to slowly start to build a real and viable relationship from that place of " different places".
I suggest that these could be resolvable situations, with the right wisdom and steps moving forward. but how? .. maybe other's experiences of how their lopsided relations GREW into viable loving relationships that might help someone understand better how to LOVE( as God defines love, like sacrifice and patience and hopes all things ) your way into a balanced and viable marriage relationship. so can people of the once lopsided relationship tell their stories of what or how their early relationship proceeded and where it ended?
I just think that people are throwing away relations ship that just might have been viable .. just because their hearts and emotions proceed into LOVE at different rates . and when and how do you tell someone there is just NO WAY it is going there ever!
I mean so many people marry someone exactly like themselves and get bored to death after a few months.. But don't opposites make the best and strongest and longest lasting relationships? not that values and lifestyle shouldn't be the same.. but the reaction to that shared values might need to be different and opposite just might make the greatest and longest lasting happy even more exciting relationships?
Plain old dating is confusing enough as it is. Then there are the people who become obsessed with their potential "date". It then is all in their heads. While the unfortunate recipient, has no idea.
Plain old dating is confusing enough as it is. Then there are the people who become obsessed with their potential "date". It then is all in their heads. While the unfortunate recipient, has no idea.
Yeah...
And that is what my husband went through with a former female friend of his, who used to be a neighbor of his, while we were in a relationship as well as when we were engaged.
It was frustrating to deal with this.
Regarding the unfortunate recipient...
If other people the unfortunate recipient knows notice this, what should they do?
And that is what my husband went through with a former female friend of his, who used to be a neighbor of his, while we were in a relationship as well as when we were engaged.
It was frustrating to deal with this.
Regarding the unfortunate recipient...
If other people the unfortunate recipient knows notice this, what should they do?
Speak up? Talk to them. They may be totally unaware of what is happening. I am dealing with this myself, not as the "recipient", but as the wife of the husband who is obsessed over another woman. He refuses to stop, to deal with it, to cease his unhealthy behavior. So now, I talk to her.
Pseudo-dating is....pleasant...it gives the illusion that you're OUT THERE...DOING SOMETHING.
You can tell your family and friends you're "seeing someone"...but there's no commitment, no real fear of rejection because you both have very lukewarm feelings are are just treading water, basically.
Speak up? Talk to them. They may be totally unaware of what is happening. I am dealing with this myself, not as the "recipient", but as the wife of the husband who is obsessed over another woman. He refuses to stop, to deal with it, to cease his unhealthy behavior. So now, I talk to her.
For my husband...
I did this as well as a male friend of his.
But my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, was waiting for her to say something.
Of course she would not say anything to him.
Yet she continued to say that he was just a friend of hers.
But I and his male friend knew better.
She finally admitted last year to him that she wanted to date him while we were dating as well as when we were engaged.
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