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My mom is 74 and widowed (my dad died a little over a year ago). A couple of months ago, she felt she was ready to start dating and went on a dating website and met a man who she is now crazy about. He's 91 and a widower of 5 years (he was happily married for 62 years)! When he first contacted her, she felt the age difference was too great and she tried to nicely blow him off. But he was persistent, and through on-line emailing, she found she really liked him. So she decided to go on a date with him. They hit it off great and she was also attracted to him, and now after about 2 months of dating, they are completely smitten with each other. They live a far distance apart (about 4 hour drive) so they've been taking turns visiting each other and staying at each other's houses for several days on end. I think they've spent about 16 days together so far.
My hubby and I met him this past Sunday and he's a really nice guy, very smart, funny, pretty spry for his age, and he makes my mom really happy. She's constantly smiling and laughing around him and there's a real sweetness between them. He treats her really well.
I am worried because after only 2 months, he's already putting pressure on her to get married. He's very Catholic and doesn't believe in living together (she's Catholic too, but is more liberal about that and would be open to living together). My mom is not in as big of a rush to get married, but she's open to it.
Am I wrong to be worried that:
1. He's just too old for her
2. 91 is too old to get married, especially to someone 17 years younger
3. My mom is going to get stuck being a nursemaid because really - how long can his health hold out at this age?
4. She's setting herself up for heartbreak falling in love with someone this old.
My mom is very youthful for her age (she looks about 60-65), pretty and she's really active. She goes square dancing 2-3 times a week and is always busy doing things.
Yes, I would be. But realistically - you can't tell her to date someone younger. You'll just get her mad at you if you try to interfer. She is not stupid, she knows what she may be in for and you trying to talk him out of her won't make a difference.
Let them be happy and be supportive. Isn't this much better for her than still grieving for many more years over her dead husband?
You can't help that you're worried, but you can't do much about it. Have you asked her what SHE thinks about marrying again?
What you see as "nursemaid," some people just see as part of the job of loving someone. She was YOUR nursemaid for the early years of your life too
I get what you're saying, but the only thing that makes me roll my eyes is the fact that he's so Catholic he wants to marry her but not so Catholic that he won't say no to overnight visits LOL.
Presumably your mom is intelligent and independent. Maybe remind her about keeping her finances separate and protected, etc. I also would be concerned about them driving that far.
I should add a little detail about my "nursemaid" concern.
My mom's marriage to my dad was NOT happy. She was with him for over 50 years and she was pretty much unhappy for all that time. Toward the end of his life, she was nursemaid to my dad.
So the last thing I want to see for her NOW when she finally has a chance to let loose and have fun, is to be tied down as some old man's nursemaid.
Sorry, I know that's harsh, but I watched my mom's unhappiness for so many years and it was painful.
I should add a little detail about my "nursemaid" concern.
My mom's marriage to my dad was NOT happy. She was with him for over 50 years and she was pretty much unhappy for all that time. Toward the end of his life, she was nursemaid to my dad.
So the last thing I want to see for her NOW when she finally has a chance to let loose and have fun, is to be tied down as some old man's nursemaid.
Sorry, I know that's harsh, but I watched my mom's unhappiness for so many years and it was painful.
Sure, that would be hard to watch.
She may be nervous about "letting loose" and is settling into what she knows. Or she may not even have thought about it.
I would talk to her about the whole thing. Did you know she was doing OLD, or did she just spring that on you one day?
Frame it so that it sounds like YOU are having a little trouble getting used to the idea of her online dating, etc, and getting involved with someone so soon, and you just wanted to hear HER thoughts about the process.
Gently mention all the concerns you have here, and listen to her thought process.
Does he have financial resources to provide for his care if he is incapacitated? If so She could use his money to hire an aid so she could go square dancing.
There's a big part of me that IS happy for her. I love seeing her laughing and smiling and they are really cute together. My worries aren't about the present but the (most likely) near future because at 91, this could (and probably will) all come crashing down sooner rather than later.
My mom and I are close and she actually has the same worries and concerns and she expresses them to me. I don't think she's 100% sure this relationship is a great idea, but she's giving it a chance because she likes the guy so much. I just try to be supportive and a shoulder to lean on but I am really worried about how this is going to play out, especially if they get married.
PS. The guy is financially comfortable and also has a lot of chikdren, most of whom are financially successful so I don't think he would NEED my mom to be his caretaker, but if you are married to someone, of course you are going to want to do as much as you can do.
As for dating old, no she didn't spring it on me...She told me from the beginning when she got on the dating site that she was getting contacted by really old men and we talked about what she should do. We both have concerns about it. I guess my concern is more about her marrying someone this old, not so much dating them. But I guess either way she's setting herself up for imminent heartbreak.
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