My boyfriend doesn't know how to console me and ends up making things worse everytime.. (dating, women)
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For almost our entire relationship I've noticed that my boyfriend has a really hard time consoling me when I'm upset. He's a wonderful motivator (sometimes I feel discouraged with school) but when it comes to making me feel better if I'm crying, ESPECIALLY when it regards the relationship, he becomes cold and very unhelpful.
For example, lately I've been feeling disconnected to him because he does not verbalize his desire for me outside of the bedroom. Our sex life is still good and he is very affectionate physically. However, he never flirts with me or tells me he wants me or gets me feeling sexy or excited for him. I do try to talk to him that way (more than he does with me) but it's usually un-reciprocated. I was alone in my house today and got an emotional wave about this problem because I had expressed feeling this way a month or so ago to him and nothing has really improved. I started crying, not to be dramatic, but because I'm just feeling unwanted by my SO. My boyfriend called me and honestly just made everything worse.
He started the conversation by saying "you really shouldn't be crying about this." That already made me feel worse, but then he continued with saying "I don't know how to help you right now" and "I'm really bad at this." These are common phrases he uses when I'm upset about something in the relationship. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on dating someone that cant even offer me any type of comfort. Finally he eventually said that he loves me and wants us to "work on things" but it didn't even make anything better at that point. He also said "You know, this doesn't make me want to desire you" -__- I feel like I'm not asking for a lot from him but he continually disappoints me with his lack of empathy and understanding. I always end up feeling worse after talking to him. Is there anything we can do? I think we should get into couples therapy but if anyone has suggestions that would help.
It sounds like he is missing a couple of important steps in the empathy process, namely acknowledging and understanding.
It's a basic trait of emotional intelligence, and he could improve if he wanted to. But I have a feeling you two are stuck in a hopeless pattern because he's also right that your behavior is not at all desirable.
You could go to counseling, but you also can easily google stuff about how to help your dysfunctional pattern. You both have to believe there is a problem , though.
It sounds like he is missing a couple of important steps in the empathy process, namely acknowledging and understanding.
It's a basic trait of emotional intelligence, and he could improve if he wanted to. But I have a feeling you two are stuck in a hopeless pattern because he's also right that your behavior is not at all desirable.
You could go to counseling, but you also can easily google stuff about how to help your dysfunctional pattern. You both have to believe there is a problem , though.
Yeah I agree. I know I'm not behaving right either, I just miss how we used to be so much that it makes me sad.
How long should I model the behavior if he doesn't reciprocate? It gets frustrating.
IDK how long have you been in this current cycle of dysfunction? It sounds like you're already fed up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lizdancer99
Also, how do I know if he's incapable of empathy? Are there books he can read?
If he is incapable??? That's tough. He may just still have some growing up to do, but at age 28 you'd think he'd be a little better at it.
You can't just give him a book and expect him to read it and become the BF of your dreams. You two have to work together on this because right now you are incompatible emotionally. I mean, he could be with another woman who doesn't need a ton of empathy and never change at all.
So this is a process you BOTH have to to work on in order to figure out your own communication and emoting styles and then see what adjustments you have to make in order to get along.
For almost our entire relationship I've noticed that my boyfriend has a really hard time consoling me when I'm upset. He's a wonderful motivator (sometimes I feel discouraged with school) but when it comes to making me feel better if I'm crying, ESPECIALLY when it regards the relationship, he becomes cold and very unhelpful.
For example, lately I've been feeling disconnected to him because he does not verbalize his desire for me outside of the bedroom. Our sex life is still good and he is very affectionate physically. However, he never flirts with me or tells me he wants me or gets me feeling sexy or excited for him. I do try to talk to him that way (more than he does with me) but it's usually un-reciprocated. I was alone in my house today and got an emotional wave about this problem because I had expressed feeling this way a month or so ago to him and nothing has really improved. I started crying, not to be dramatic, but because I'm just feeling unwanted by my SO. My boyfriend called me and honestly just made everything worse.
He started the conversation by saying "you really shouldn't be crying about this." That already made me feel worse, but then he continued with saying "I don't know how to help you right now" and "I'm really bad at this." These are common phrases he uses when I'm upset about something in the relationship. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on dating someone that cant even offer me any type of comfort. Finally he eventually said that he loves me and wants us to "work on things" but it didn't even make anything better at that point. He also said "You know, this doesn't make me want to desire you" -__- I feel like I'm not asking for a lot from him but he continually disappoints me with his lack of empathy and understanding. I always end up feeling worse after talking to him. Is there anything we can do? I think we should get into couples therapy but if anyone has suggestions that would help.
What you're dealing with is the "Y" chromosome at work. I'm a guy. I have a Y chromosome and I blame my mother for giving it to me. Anyway guys are not naturally wired the same way females are especially when it comes to emotions like empathy. The guy with empathy who was out hunting mammoth got stomped into the dirt by the ill tempered bastard when he hesitated for an instant while thrusting his spear because he stopped to contemplate how the mammoth might feel about the situation. Other empathic males were disembowled or torn to pieces by cave lions or short faced bears when they tried to get in touch with them on a more emotional level.
Empathy has not served males well throughout evolutionary history. Aggression, terror, bravado, problem solving, invention, persistance, observation skills and some others are what helped us the most.
Women on the other hand are wired to care for and care about others, mainly their offspring. Women are excellent collaborators because they need to be and the need to empathize with those around them. You need to understand these differences. You're being dramatic and he has no built in capability to work with it. He can learn to help but he will NEVER fully understand the issue. I had 2 daughters. I was their shoulder to cry on and that is what I was good at but I had to suppress my normal instincts one of which was to "solve the problem". My daughters didn't want to solve the problem, they wanted to vent about it.
For us guys it's a stressful situation and managing it is a learned skill. You need to tone it down and he needs to learn more about himself and women.
IDK how long have you been in this current cycle of dysfunction? It sounds like you're already fed up.
If he is incapable??? That's tough. He may just still have some growing up to do, but at age 28 you'd think he'd be a little better at it.
You can't just give him a book and expect him to read it and become the BF of your dreams. You two have to work together on this because right now you are incompatible emotionally. I mean, he could be with another woman who doesn't need a ton of empathy and never change at all.
So this is a process you BOTH have to to work on in order to figure out your own communication and emoting styles and then see what adjustments you have to make in order to get along.
How long have you been dating?
It's been bad, for me, for at least a few months now. We've been dating almost 2.5 years. I totally agree with you that we both need to work on this issue. I'm just fed up because it's literally every single time I'm upset now, I'm left feeling worse and crying harder because he can't even offer me 3 sentences of empathy that I'm looking for. Maybe he needs to write phrases down and practice them?
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