Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, I was in a bad marriage for awhile and delayed leaving out of fear of the unknown. Don’t do that. The day I finally cut loose, I felt like a 200# weight was off my shoulders. I had 2 kids and no job experience, but I still felt free and excited to start the next chapter.
See a lawyer and find out what your financial circumstances will be if you divorce him. You are entitled to part of his pension at retirement. Make a strategic plan. If you don’t have a job, get one. If you aren’t trained for anything, take some classes. Even knowing that you are working your way out, will cheer you up.
He works for a family business; he probably doesn't have a pension. Do you mean Social Security?
There's some good advice here, however. OP, if you hate your job, take evening classes to learn some new marketable skills, so you can change your line of work, or at least--get a new employer. And $30K really isn't a lot of money. You'll need roughly $5000 of that, just to pay first/last month's rent + damage deposit on your own place, depending on rents in your area. Are wages in your area even sufficient to cover basic living expenses? In some areas, they aren't, except for highly skilled professionals. Until you know whether you're a competitive job applicant, it wouldn't be wise to take a "gap year", to do a bit of travelling. If you knew you had skills that are in demand, you could afford to do that, managing your money carefully.
I do love him. I guess I just don’t like him much anymore. We have a good friendship though so that makes it harder. He’s the only one I can be totally myself with. We have the same warped sense of humor and we do have some good times as friends when he is in a good mood but it doesn’t happen often. I had a friend who had sex with her husband all the time yet they fought nonstop. They never did anything together (we at least go to dinner or a movie on the weekends) never sat in the same room. (We do most of the time but he is usually on his phone or computer etc....). Not sure what is worse.
I felt the same way about my ex. I didn't really like him, often didn't respect him, but we had some good times. We never really fought. We had the same sense of humor, lots of interests in common. Looking around me, I didn't see other people I knew having better luck in their relationships. In fact no one I knew then had a happy marriage. Even the old people who were together their whole lives, kinda seemed to hate each other. So, I figured, well...marriage ain't necessarily happy, but maybe this is as good as it gets, or the best I deserve.
Oh my lord was I ever wrong.
Granted, my ex did eventually go from what you deal with, to like batsht crazy with a gun...and if he hadn't, I'd probably have stuck it out for the kids, so at least a few more years...
But after I left? I have had the time of my life. Beautiful people, adventures, fine dining, parties, new friends...and eventually a man who makes me feel loved like I never thought was possible. We are both just devoted to one another, and we have such wonderful times together. He makes me feel things that no one ever has, I can't keep up with him in bed, and both of us deeply respect and appreciate one another.
If I'd had any idea that this was waiting for me on the other side, I tell you, my thinking would have been very different, about the slog I was in with my ex for so long. But it's different because I stayed with him, because of our kids, until I COULDN'T anymore. You don't have kids. So I can't really imagine why you would choose this.
I made a vow for better worse so I hope I can stick with it. I guess it depends on whether vows mean anything to you or if they're just words to get a piece of paper and some kind of status (just married because it was the traditional thing to do?). You're in the "worse" phase of marriage. It may or may not get better. Whether you stay depends on if your happiness trumps the life-long vow you made on your wedding day (if that is the case, they really need to change the wording on the civil-sector marriage vows sooner than later. Instead of "for better or worse till death do us part" it should be "until either of us deems our marriage is no longer bringing us happiness". There will be a LOT less divorces!!!).
People don't make vows to be a martyr to their own lives. Vows matter but so does happiness and love. Marriage is a two way street.
I do love him. I guess I just don’t like him much anymore. We have a good friendship though so that makes it harder. He’s the only one I can be totally myself with. We have the same warped sense of humor and we do have some good times as friends when he is in a good mood but it doesn’t happen often. I had a friend who had sex with her husband all the time yet they fought nonstop. They never did anything together (we at least go to dinner or a movie on the weekends) never sat in the same room. (We do most of the time but he is usually on his phone or computer etc....). Not sure what is worse.
I love a lot of people I would never want to live with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrian75
I really just want to quit my job and take off. Travel the US and Europe. I have about 30K but that would go quickly.
Do it
Traveling isn't, necessarily, as expensive as you think.
You may have to modify the way you travel.
I'm happily single at 41 with a very unreliable FWB as the only thing resembling a romantic relationship in my life. But my life IS very happy because I'm in charge of it.
Decide how much you want to work on your marriage. Then move from there. In my opinion, your husband sounds like he has some addiction and depression issues that need to be addressed. I think you should both be seeing a marriage counselor and your own therapists.
You've got a nice chunk of change saved up. I have no idea what your COL or salary is, but if I started out debt-free at my age with $30K in the bank at my current salary... I'd have a pretty damn good start on things...
You can leave if you want to. All that stuff you depend on him for help with is stuff you can get from a social network - just be a person who is equally helpful to your friends.
If the bolded is the case, then it's better to be alone. Why does she need to share her living space with some schlump who ignores her? For that matter, at 43, she can go younger by a few years, and get a 35-yr-old guy, with still a bit of mileage left in him.
I’m not certain of her circumstances and I don’t presume to understand her relationship. My only point is that what she has described is not all the much different than the majority of the population.
Some of her complaints may be easily rectifable with a little effort. The easy thing would be to walk away from marriage but it’s harder to actually try work through it. Now if she makes an effort to work on it and gets now reciprocation than he should kick rocks.
I’m not certain of her circumstances and I don’t presume to understand her relationship. My only point is that what she has described is not all the much different than the majority of the population.
Some of her complaints may be easily rectifable with a little effort. The easy thing would be to walk away from marriage but it’s harder to actually try work through it. Now if she makes an effort to work on it and gets now reciprocation than he should kick rocks.
It sounds like she has been trying. He is not engaged in the relationship. For some reason some men feel this should be ok.
It sounds like she has been trying. He is not engaged in the relationship. For some reason some men feel this should be ok.
When I say try it’s not nagging to him about all the things she does not like and wants him to change. It’s can she find a game they could play together and enjoy? Can she limit his game time to reasonable blocks to get him to exercise regularly and have a reasonable diet. Men’s sex drive will increase with regular exercise and weight loss. I think if you solve the gaming time and sex drive issues then that is a huge step.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
