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I have been trying to be supportive and was hesitant on asking the advice of others online for this complex problem. I do love my now Husband very much and recently tied the knot a few days before Christmas, not to mention we just came back from our honeymoon yesterday. I have been looking forward to spending our lives together (Just the two of us) as a new start but, something is starting to greatly concern me. His Mom left a week after the wedding and was incredibly helpful in cleaning, cooking, organizing and giving us things to decorate our place..though I did crave the privacy we had, she already booked a return flight. (So there were no concerns) I've discussed this with my Husband tonight and was pretty shocked when he told me that is Father, who came over from another State to attend our wedding wants to find a job here. I'm afraid that he might never return back and decide to live here with us instead, for who knows how long. I want to be supportive, but also miss the privacy we had and as newly weds I wish to have that time to bond.. (Try for a baby) It is very difficult to do so with his Father sleeping in what, is suppose to be our dining room. My Husband and his family are from another country and so they tend to have a different way of doing things, which I understand.. I'm hoping to reclaim our dining room so that we can stop eating with a table blocking our small apartment kitchen that prevents us from moving around. His Father also smokes and I've been getting more frequent headaches. How can I bring this up to my Husband without offending him or making it sound like I'm being rude or don't care for his Father? He cooks dinner every night (greatly appreciated), but I'm scared because his Father has been known to not be supportive in my Husband's past and if the apartment staff see him staying here more than a few times a month they may charge us more for rent. (They also won't be happy about us hiding it) I hardly go outside because most of the time I'm creating art or working out inside, but his Father often goes out to take smoke breaks. What should I do?? I told my Husband I wasn't comfortable with him living here after we just got married. It appears that his Father never purchased a return flight and something tells me he planned on living here. Advice? (Also his parents are divorced)
Last edited by Starlightsfall; 01-01-2018 at 02:05 AM..
Discuss it with your husband again. You may need to be a bit more dramatic and refuse sex or even move out temporarily, if the problem isn’t resolved quickly.
It sounds like these men are tone deaf to your opinion of American married life.
Don't refuse sex and inimacy as a way to bargain or negotiate in a relationship ... Sends out the wrong message in a marriage and is viewed much differently by men. Its very unhealthy and longer term effects than what women think... Even beyond when the current conflict is resolved.
You have to figure healthier ways to resolve this conflict.
Discuss it with your husband again. You may need to be a bit more dramatic and refuse sex or even move out temporarily, if the problem isn’t resolved quickly.
It sounds like these men are tone deaf to your opinion of American married life.
Welcome to mistake land. Forget making babies. Get some birth control and find out what it takes to have this disaster annulled.
This. Basically, the OP saw all the red flags and then doubled down.
OP, if you're reading this, pay careful heed: The decisions you make right now will have a direct bearing on your future happiness, either in your marriage or outside it. If you allow your new husband to bully you, that will set the tone for the rest of your life.
Hey, the dad should be a welcome guest in your home, but not a permanent resident. So there should be a plan for your father-in-law to have his own place, not simply become a permanent fixture in your house.
As your earlier post demonstrated, you seem willing to absorb personal abuse that would be unacceptable in a healthy relationship. You would have been far better off postponing the wedding until your intended learned how to respect you.
Last bit of advice. You would be out of your mind to bring a child into this situation. First, adjusting to living together is a challenge in even the healthiest of marriages. But doing so with a potential abuser and a lurking father-in-law is just folly.
In other words, take a close look at how your husband behaves towards you and whether he considers you to be an equal partner in the relationship. I don't believe in going nuclear in a marriage at the slightest of pretexts, but this has all the hallmarks of a disaster in the making.
There are some serious immigration issues involved in all this. This guy just showed up here and now wants to find a job? Ummmm.... that's not something he can do on a tourist visa, and frankly, I'm surprised they let him into the country without a return flight booked.
Time to work on getting an annulment or quickie divorce. Your husband and his father don't consider you to have a role in family decisions, and this is all way sketchy.
The OP waited until two weeks before her wedding to write and say she had reservations. She paid no attention to the warnings given in that thread.
Now she's writing after just having married the guy and finding she's in a bad spot. I think this poster is a lost case. She is not going to pay any attention, but go ahead, lie down and be a doormat the rest of her life. If this post doesn't make her realize she's on the wrong path with this guy, I don't think it's worth our spending our time sympathizing. Sorry, but some people just can't be helped.
Hand your father in law a list of hotels or YMCA locations. Offer to call him a cab.
Share with your loving husband your five year plan..
In my bias opinion,I sense you are quite the hand full to maturely discuss resolutions.
Don't refuse sex and inimacy as a way to bargain or negotiate in a relationship ... Sends out the wrong message in a marriage and is viewed much differently by men. Its very unhealthy and longer term effects than what women think... Even beyond when the current conflict is resolved.
You have to figure healthier ways to resolve this conflict.
I don’t understand why she married this guy. Now his alcoholic, nae’r do well father is camping out in the dining room.
She may have no other bargaining chips, especially with a of couple cavemen in the house.
Don't refuse sex and inimacy as a way to bargain or negotiate in a relationship ... Sends out the wrong message in a marriage and is viewed much differently by men. Its very unhealthy and longer term effects than what women think... Even beyond when the current conflict is resolved.
You have to figure healthier ways to resolve this conflict.
Right...because women just love having sex with unreasonable and controlling husbands... she doesn't have to "refuse" sex but if OP doesn't want to, she shouldn't.
OP - your hubby doesn't seem to consider your feelings much or at least you don't believe he does. Why exactly did you get married? Why is he surprising you with his father's appearance? Stop being so shy and ask him directly and TELL him directly what you want. As another poster said, you can still get this annulled.
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(Also his parents are divorced)
