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If there is no chemistry, I'm done. No reason to see them more. That doesn't change.
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
Some chemistry doesn't mean I automatically interested in "exploring the other person." Yeah they may be okay to talk to but I need more than that to commit to spending another hour or two with them.
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Originally Posted by timberline742
Sure, and if there is some and its a great conversation and/or we have some important things in common, I'll flesh it out more. But in probably 4 out of 5 first dates there is none at all for me.
Ditto.
Chemistry is just one aspect that can influence how a date progresses. I had quite a few first dates admit to being quite a bit older once we met in-person, or that they weren't actually divorced, or just having separated. I distinctly remember guy coming forward about not only not being separated, but very much married, at the end of the first date.
And several that were brash and rude to wait staff. And the men that wanted to add to their harem of women, or wanted a submissive (bedroom or 24/7), which I am not. Things that get revealed during the date that throw off orange and red flags. Off-hand comments and spending a good amount of the date complaining about exes.
It's not just chemistry you're assessing. I'm very intuitive and easily pick up on body language and other cues. Awkwardness wasn't really an issue, either. I only recall a couple dates (of 100+) that were visibly anxious and awkward. One had never had a girlfriend and was new to the country (a transplant for work, raised in a Muslim culture, so he was new to dating, especially in America) and the other had ASD.
And of course the dates that didn't quite look like their photos and the men who were overly thirsty and flirty. Like this one Frenchman who was WAY too mushy-gushy on the first date when we did not have that rapport. It was overly sappy and seemed forced.
Make asinine comments, disclose you lied about something, act obtuse and obnoxious, and/or reveal orange and red flags, it's a no-go.
I think it is really case by case in this instance. From my personal experiences, Ive had dates when I knew 100% that it wasnt a good match. There have also been some, where I went on 2 or 3rd date, unsure where it was headed, with some red flags popping off.
It really all depends. If she isn't displaying any dealbreakers and we have some connection on the first date, Ill go on a second date, unless of course, she tells me otherwise.
Ive dated enough to realize a lot of people are better at 2nd and 3rd impressions.
I don't expect perfection of a person, on the first date or the 101st.
But I know after the first date if they are a "yes," a "no," or a "maybe."
A "no" is someone who is so unappealing I can't imagine wanting to kiss them, just the idea of being held in their arms makes me feel squicky and panicky inside...and that isn't me saying they're bad looking, it could be a number of things. One guy I met was too young for me, to begin with, but he also had this squinty, twitchy nervous mannerism to him that really bothered me. I tried to picture us being intimate and imagined THAT, nope...nope, nope, nope... We are done, here.
Or of course if they reveal something that goes strongly against my values. Whether that is political extremity or religious zealotry or that he is trying to cheat on his spouse with me... Or a personal dealbreaker, such as kink-incompatibility or if he's got children younger than mine, or is looking for a woman to have babies with.
Hard limits of one kind or another, he's a "no" and doesn't get another shot.
It's not a value judgment necessarily. It's just a certainty that we won't work.
But I certainly give the "maybe" guys another chance, and they often flip the switch to a "yes." The man I am with now, he was a "maybe" when we first met. I didn't find him physically attractive at first, but not repulsive either. His looks were a neutral factor. I could imagine intimacy with him, it wasn't off-putting. He smelled nice. He had a good voice. He said intelligent things. Compatibility in certain areas seemed to line up. I was intrigued.
All of that is fairly normal. What isn't normal for me, is that we continued a sexual relationship that was pretty fun and continued the slow-build of our friendship and all, for about six months, before I fell completely in love with him. Usually if I'm going to get attached, it happens quicker than that.
After that point, I no longer looked at him and saw a man of average looks, now I look at him and see a devilishly handsome older gentleman. Love-tinted glasses and all.
When I was dating, I either knew right away it wasn't going to work or I wasn't really sure and needed more time.
I have an issue where I like people and sometimes I mistake that kind of chemistry for romantic chemistry. My strategy was to try to keep first dates short when I could (no more than a couple of hours, tops. Under one hour was best). My idea was if I didn't want the date to end or it went "too fast," that was an indication that I should go on another. If I didn't care or, worse, wanted it to end, there was no second date. I certainly didn't need to be wowed on a first date, but I needed enough to want to go out again. Kind of like reading a book. I don't need the mystery solved right away, but I need a little to keep me hooked and wanting to learn more.
When I met my current boyfriend, I kind of broke my "rules" and the date went well over two hours. And I couldn't wait to go out with him again. But I also had that happen with a couple of other really nice men I met, but that didn't work out. So no method of finding anyone is perfect or a formula. You can do your best to impose a pattern, but in the end, romance and love are emotional, not logical.
By the way, you don't need to spend a lot of money on follow-up dates (or even first dates). I always offered to split bills and most men wouldn't let me, they insisted they pay for some reason. But a lot of my first dates were also things coffee, breakfasts (really cheap meal), lunches, or even a free museum and just walking around. You just need something where you can talk to the person and interact and get to know them.
I'm far from perfect, but if women can be super picky, guess what? So can I, especially since I'm expected to pay for the date.
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Originally Posted by reneeh63
Well, one good thing is that if you don't give anyone a second chance you'll never be proven wrong so you can keep feeling confident!
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Originally Posted by The Dissenter
I really dislike the sarcasm and talking down to me. But if it lifts your ego, I'm not scared of you anyway so keep on.
I may come across as sarcastic but it is true that you'll never know about the people you're "throwing out" so your confidence is unshakable!
And why in the WORLD would you be scared of me?! That's just weird Are you trying to say I'm a "bully" - the latest category to throw everyone in if narcissist doesn't fit the occasion? Pppfffbbbt
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,737,988 times
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Originally Posted by Cantabridgienne
The title is still making me kind of laugh. "Giving" someone a date?
Really? It is a synonym, for giving someone an opportunity, hearing them out, listening to them, eh whatever you want to call it. It is just a thread title. Don't see why it is so damn funny.
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Are you trying to say I'm a "bully" - the latest category to throw everyone in if narcissist doesn't fit the occasion? Pppfffbbbt
synonym, for giving someone an opportunity, hearing them out, listening to them, eh whatever you want to call it. It is just a thread title. Don't see why it is so damn funny.
