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What bothers me here is "willing to divorce", should not be in the equation. If she wants a divorce and is getting a divorce, that is different. So, you are asking her to divorce her husband to show that she "loves" you? Think about that. People don't divorce their spouses to prove they love someone else.
If she goes through the divorce, it means that she was serious about getting a divorce, that is ALL that it means. Plus you said her husband moved out of the apartment? Maybe he is sick and tired of her sleeping around with men that make her feel "loved", good about herself, reeks of narcissist personality, user!
Yes, she helped him with values, he is sleeping with a married woman that has a child and attempting to entice her to divorce to show that she loves him - wrong way for one's values to go.
This whole thing sounds more like "lust" than "love".
So, I guess this "love" is going to lead to marriage possibly after the divorce? How do you feel about raising the child she has as your child? Might have been better to think about the child before hitting the sack with her. I hope you are using condoms as it appears she "gets around" as does STDs. Also, if she becomes pregnant, ask for a paternity test.
If she were in "love" with you and proving it, she wouldn't be dating. She sounds very immature and narcissistic. It appears she'll roll over on her back for guys willing to give her attention, and I can't believe you aren't starting to get that message. Affairs for distraction? Maybe you were the distraction that helped her get through her husband moving out of the apartment?
So, you admit you could be easily replaced, just like her husband, right?
No, it is the same thing. "Separated" is still married, and they may "separate" like this periodically and go back together. And, now, any little distance from you and she was with another guy, or maybe even guys to make her feel better.
I think the husband will be lucky to unload her, and you'll be even luckier to cut her loose.
Geesh, anyone with trust issues should definitely avoid someone who cheats on their spouse and then cheats on them for a "distraction" from anything!
I'm not asking her to divorce her husband as proof that she wants to be with me. What I'm saying is that if she goes through with the divorce it would show exactly what you said that she wanted to be divorced and also as this is one of the barriers we currently have being together it would show that was serious about making the changes needed to have a relationship with me.
I don't want to influence her decision to divorce. I want her to come to that conclusion on her own if that's what she wants.
Too many issues here.
For sure the best thing to do now is to get some distance so we both can think things through and get clarity.
Don’t make the common mistake of equating attraction with love. How can you be in love with someone who you’ve admitted you don’t trust? Without trust you can’t allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable enough to truly love someone. And it doesn’t sound as if you respect her very much either. There can be no real love without respect. She’s not looking for a real relationship or to build a life with a partner, she’s an unhappy person looking to fill a hole.
This has disaster written all over it. If you don’t want to be the catalyst that breaks up a young child’s parents, then you should immediately walk away from this woman. She needs to sort out her problems and she can’t properly do that with you as a distraction. Even if you stayed with her during her divorce, she found another job, and it all worked out the way you wanted it to, there’s no guarantee she’ll stick around. She’s already proven she doesn’t have the ability to stick it out with her husband, the father of her child, when she gets bored or the going gets tough.
Once the bloom is off your romance, so to speak, the reality of your situation will settle in. She sounds like she isn’t capable of making very good life decisions. She got married because she wanted to know what it was like? Really? What a cavalier and immature attitude to have about something so important. Then she further complicated her situation by having a child with someone she wasn’t sure she wanted to stay married to. So now she’s brought a child into an unstable situation. People who amble about in life, involving other lives in their careless wreckage, are just the worst. Her irresponsible behavior is particularly egregious because it involves a child. Why would you want to be with someone so reckless and self absorbed? And when she’s bored with you, you’ll just be another casualty of her selfishness. I don’t care how attracted you were to her in the beginning, how she conducts her life should be a huge turn off.
What makes you say I don't respect her?
I've learned in my own journey to not be so quick to judge others. All situations are different and more complex that they may seem. She suffers and cries about mistakes she has made. Sometimes I feel we wouldn't be happy together because of how much this stuff affects her. The guilt she feels.
She married because she wanted to know what marriage life was, had been dating her husband for many years and also faced lots of pressure from family telling her that was the next step.
Not justifying her mistakes but there's more to the story.
Not justifying her mistakes but there's more to the story.
We really don't need to know her whole story.
What I do recognize just in the few details you have shared about her is that she has no idea what it means to be an independent adult.
Even though she's married and a parent and working and an otherwise contributing member of society, she apparently approaches relationships with a childlike idea of how they operate. That does not work well for the long term because it is very "me" focused.
You really really need to keep your distance for a while. She likely needs some therapy to play catch-up, emotionally. She basically needs to finish growing up, because she sort of stalled while in her marriage.
Frankly, you are being way too sympathetic and probably need to play hard ball for a while.
I agree that it sounds like you don't really respect her, but that's honestly not the most relevant point to worry about. You both have individual work to do.
What I do recognize just in the few details you have shared about her is that she has no idea what it means to be an independent adult.
Even though she's married and a parent and working and an otherwise contributing member of society, she apparently approaches relationships with a childlike idea of how they operate. That does not work well for the long term because it is very "me" focused.
You really really need to keep your distance for a while. She likely needs some therapy to play catch-up, emotionally. She basically needs to finish growing up, because she sort of stalled while in her marriage.
Frankly, you are being way too sympathetic and probably need to play hard ball for a while.
I agree that it sounds like you don't really respect her, but that's honestly not the most relevant point to worry about. You both have individual work to do.
I agree. Although she doesn't admit this I think is afraid of being on her own. It's not an easy thing to do and it took me a while to get used to it after my divorce.
I know it may seem like a stupid question but I honestly don't want to be disrespectful towards her. I guess I'm doing something without realizing it. From what I've said what makes you think I don't respect her? Is it because of what I said that comes off as controlling or me questioning some of her actions (mistrust)?
From what I've said what makes you think I don't respect her? Is it because of what I said that comes off as controlling or me questioning some of her actions (mistrust)?
Yes, partly.
It's also the fact that you jumped in head first to this situation in order to satisfy your own needs, regardless of the fact that she's married and has a child.
In the future, if you're talking to a woman and she begins complaining about her husband or marriage, just back away. Do not engage.
This woman hasn't exactly behaved in a manner that would earn respect, but you've had multiple chances to keep this from escalating.
It's also the fact that you jumped in head first to this situation in order to satisfy your own needs, regardless of the fact that she's married and has a child.
In the future, if you're talking to a woman and she begins complaining about her husband or marriage, just back away. Do not engage.
This woman hasn't exactly behaved in a manner that would earn respect, but you've had multiple chances to keep this from escalating.
Understood.
A few days ago she said: "I'm sorry for getting you into this mess. I don't want to hurt your career."
I can't blame it on her. I did my part too. Not proud of my actions.
I care for her and want her to be happy whether that is with me or not.
I have no illusions of being anyone’s savior.
I just love people who come here and TELL you what you are doing wrong i.e. making her get a divorce to be with you-- when in fact you are grappling with letting her go to let her make that choice without you in the picture. In other words those people complaining haven't listened to your struggles with your dilemma(s).
I think the only way to go is letting her go 100%. That is the only way to release all of your dilemmas.
The future is unknown.
Love released comes back to you. In amazing ways you could be surprised by.
She started working in my company back in July last year.
She and I knew each other from work, collaborated on some projects and there was definitely attraction between us. I knew then she was married and during lunch one day we chatted about our lives growing up, relationships. She told me then that she wasn't happy in her marriage but was trying to make things work. We kept things friendly and we were then good friends. I could sense she was attracted to me and I was attracted to her as well but we never crossed that line.
Last week of August me and a group of friends from work were going to happy hour. Went to a bar nearby. I noticed she was there with some female friends of hers. We joined our groups and had a good time. I offered to give her a ride home. While driving there she told me she had separated from her husband and that they were going to get a divorce. I was sympathetic and offered some advice since I'm divorced and had a marriage fail already. Took her to the front of her building and said goodbye. We looked at each other as we were standing in front of her building, I pulled her close to me and gave her a kiss. It took her by surprise but she returned the kiss. I drove home.
Next week we went out. We definitely were attracted to each other and the kiss sparked something in us. We went out after that at least once a week and saw each other at work during lunch. I felt weird about starting something wit her being that she was still married. In my experience, it's never good to get attached to someone in that situation because they usually go back to their partners.
We kept going out, having a good time and we definitely had lot of chemistry and things in common. She said the L word. I was not there yet but could feel that I was falling for her.
Then in November something good and bad happened. I was promoted at work. Problem was that she became one of my direct reports. I took the promotion. I had worked hard for it but knew then I had to stop seeing her because of my new role in the company. We talked about things and agreed to not see each other because it was too dangerous and we could get fired.
We tried but we were too attracted to each other and would miss each other and go out, not as much as before but at least twice a month.
That's the situation I'm in.
She told me her husband is making a push for them to get back together. They have a kid and I would hate to be the reason why a family is broken. I told her I felt she needed to think things through and if there is any chance things can work out with him the should try. I said that but obviously it was hurting me to think she could be with someone else.
She said she didn't love him and loves me.
I'm not sure what to do here.
We work together. That's a big problem. Either she would need to move to another position or I would have to.
Then there's the situation with her marriage. I almost feel like we shouldn't be together until she gets a divorce.
There's also trust issues with me. She's so attractive and I see guys at work interested. It's always in the back of my mind that her and I did things soon after she separated. I hate to judge and perhaps I'm being too judgmental but I wish we had not done anything until much later. It just makes me think she could do the same to me with someone else if we were to get into a relationship and have problems.
So right now we are on a break. She texts me that she misses me and I miss her too.
If she files for divorce that would show she is serious about wanting to be with me.
She says she has started looking for other jobs and I've also looked at postings in other departments of the company.
Any advice is appreciated guys. This is obviously not an ideal situation. I feel like she has many good traits and I love being with her. Not sure if things would work out or not but it may be worth a shot.
There are two warning signs: 1.) the work relationship policy of your company and 2.) her quick attachment to you under the circumstances.
Look, you obviously have a good head on your shoulders. If she is willing, you two need to jointly navigate your ways through the warning signs and all the rest to the end you both seem to want. There are many alternatives to explore, thoughtfully and bravely, for you two.
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