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Finding friends or finding a partner is tough. I have gone to like 9 meetups and only once did I meet someone that I clicked with, then when I tried to hang out with this person outside of the meetup group, they kept making excuses why they couldn't hang out. I don't go to meetups very often because I don't have a lot of money at the moment. I feel like, once you get over the age of 30, people don't really value friendships anymore because either they are focused on trying to start a family or they are focused on their career. I want REAL friends, not hangout buddies who only talk to you when they want to get a drink and otherwise, they couldn't care less about your feelings or what REALLY goes on in your life, but it is extra extra difficult to find these types of friends now.
I am also frustrated with trying to find a partner in life (relationship), but I feel there are a lot more people that are looking for relationships than there are friendships. Plus, when you meet someone and get in a relationship, they become like your best friend anyway. Does this make me needy? Well, I do crave companionship in some way so I don't know why that is seen as needy.
Do any of you feel that it is better to focus on finding romantic relationships instead of trying to find friends? I know some relationships start as friends first but that is not the kind of friendships I am talking about.
I don't know too many people that have successful friendships AND a successful romantic relationship at the same time. Both require a lot of energy.
I just hit the 30 mark not too long ago. People just start disappearing at this point who are your friends. Not because of you, but people are just settling into their careers, starting their own families, doing things on their own.
The best thing I can tell you is to not really "seek" friends or a relationship, but rather, to just focus on yourself. What are you looking to achieve in your personal life? What are your goals? Hobbies? Interests? I say this because once you start focusing on you and what you like to do, everything will fall into place. You'll meet people naturally who have similar interests to you, while at the same time, focusing on doing what makes you happy.
If you put the focus on trying to meet new friends or a relationship, you lose sight of yourself. Focus on a career that will earn you more money (as you mentioned in your post).
IMHO its not either-or and shouldn't be. This is not a computer program, a true/false test question, a bank statement where you add up figures in different columns. You will never have complete control over where and when you find friends or that relationship. GOOD friends that stand the test of time take time to develop. They can crop up anywhere; not just when you decide you want one. You are trying to fast track and force everything about relationships with other people. Life doesn't work like that. You are hung up on word labels. A great friend just might cross the line into relationship and vice versa. Things change over time whether you want them to or not. What some person in your life happens to do in order to get the label "friend" isn't going to be static. They have lives too. Does it really matter as long as you and the other person love, respect, and cherish each other?
Thousands and millions of people start and keep successful friendships. Probably part of the reason is that they don't try to control everything about the relationship, they appreciate it for what it is and treat the other person with care. I've known a few good friends for going on 45 years. All but one are married though I am not. Nothing says you can't have friends while being in a relationship at all! The details about our lives have obviously changed, but because we value each other, those just remain details. We still care about each other despite them. If someone's life changed so dramatically that they walked away from the friendship what can I do about that? As long as I know I hadn't hurt them in some way its just going to happen sometimes.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-18-2018 at 02:12 PM..
Wanting companionship is not needy, making it the center of your life (to me) is on the needy side.
Like another person said you can't control or force chemistry with people. You can be the most open minded and compromising person on the planet, but if it's not there, it's not there. That's just reality. That's why I don't recommend focusing so heavily on forming relationships with people to the point of being stressed out. It's not something you can MAKE happen. You can increase your chances by going out and talking to people but that's about it. If it gets frustrating, take a break.
Honestly I am a female I feel the same too.. I understand it is necessary to ‘put yourself out there ‘ as opportunity won’t come knocking on your door, but it gets demoralising at times .. and the motivation to get out of comfort zone is getting lesser and lesser ..
I understand you very well, especially when I'm single again and also is a foreigner, so all my old good friends are back at my home country, and I haven't gain any new friends since i moved here (around 4 years ago). I've met many people through work but none of them became close to me, it was more like "let's get a drink after work and gossip about colleagues" thing, I wasn't comfortable to share my personal stuff with them and without it you can't really move forward. They also fell off with time. I feel like it's nearly impossible to find connection with new people as with old friends. I've also made some efforts and tried to keep contact with people i met here and liked but seems like they already have enough friends, as it's also connected with how much they need new friends and if they want to spend their time on hanging out with a new person.
At the same time chances are it is possible. Same as in love relationship we meet a new guy and we open up when time comes and it either works or it doesn't, maybe we can meet a new friend same way one day.
All I know we can't force it. I tried online dating, was going out in bars - nothing serious came out of it . Everyone I dated I accidentally met through other acquaintances or through work. So it's like a circle of death in a way I'm 38 and I'm still on the same page after my break up and also very concerned about it. I don't see any solution except for to let it be and indeed just feel your life with whatever makes you happy and not to turn away chances that are coming to you in all life aspects.
First rule of relationships. The harder you look for one, the harder it is to find.
Just find friends. That's it. Friends. Be a good friend. Be a good person. Be the kind of person people will want to be with. Then everything else falls into place.
But actively seeking a relationship? That smacks of desperation. Don't go there.
First rule of relationships. The harder you look for one, the harder it is to find.
Just find friends. That's it. Friends. Be a good friend. Be a good person. Be the kind of person people will want to be with. Then everything else falls into place.
But actively seeking a relationship? That smacks of desperation. Don't go there.
Why is trying to find friends acceptable but seeking a relationship not? some of us get nothing from friendship but find relationships deeply rewarding, there is nothing wrong with that it's just how we feel.
First rule of relationships. The harder you look for one, the harder it is to find.
Just find friends. That's it. Friends. Be a good friend. Be a good person. Be the kind of person people will want to be with. Then everything else falls into place.
But actively seeking a relationship? That smacks of desperation. Don't go there.
I agree on the "first rule", as we can't control it, the harder we look the more frustrated we get.
But just to find friends - that's the struggle we're discussing right now, aren't we? Not that easy. I think (at least I hope) I am not a bad friend at all, my friends are just not here where I live. I also quite open and have no problem talking to strangers etc. The problem for us is to find new people willing same thing, not only meet but to connect with them so that eventually it turns into great friendships.
Friends seem to mostly materialize when there is a comraderie (or camaraderie or comradery) over a shared activity. For example, jazz musicians have it really great in making natural friends playing music or sharing the jazz profession. Others bond over church activities & beliefs.
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I'm 38 and I'm still on the same page after my break up and also very concerned about it. I don't see any solution except for to let it be and indeed just feel your life with whatever makes you happy and not to turn away chances that are coming to you in all life aspects.
