Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
The best thing you can do to help her move on is stop thinking it is your responsibility to help her.
By continuing to be in her life you are drudging up the past.Her focus should be on her future.
It is nice to see a person who shows concern for an ex, however your concern may be the very thing holding her back.
Her feelings right now are normal, we all have to go through these periods of our life to move on to better ones.
Since you have broken up and gotten back together before, she may be hoping for the same this time-and you are giving her false hope.
Distance yourself. Its the ONLY way to show her this time you are certain in your decision.
miu, DimSumRaja, and many others gave you wonderful advice! You can only help her by getting completely out of her life. Since she may not be strong enough to stop contact with you, that'll be your last gift to her. Dragging things out is not good for anybody once a firm decision's been made.
I'll never understand the "being friends" deal even after a while, but that's another topic.
miu, DimSumRaja, and many others gave you wonderful advice! You can only help her by getting completely out of her life. Since she may not be strong enough to stop contact with you, that'll be your last gift to her. Dragging things out is not good for anybody once a firm decision's been made.
I'll never understand the "being friends" deal even after a while, but that's another topic.
hear,hear on the "staying friends" crap...so unrealistic.
"hear,hear on the "staying friends" crap...so unrealistic." Now now, sierraAZ and Indianajones - don't be condescendingly judgemental about something which you may know nothing about. It's really not that unusual that two people who were lovers can, once the angst is over, have a healthy friendly relationship. Cheers!
"hear,hear on the "staying friends" crap...so unrealistic." Now now, sierraAZ and Indianajones - don't be condescendingly judgemental about something which you may know nothing about. It's really not that unusual that two people who were lovers can, once the angst is over, have a healthy friendly relationship. Cheers!
I can see it after being "friends with benefits" with clear rules perhaps, but not after a relationship with deep emotional involvement. Civility can and should remain in place, especially if kids are involved, but that's about it. Friendship is way more difficult to achieve! If you had that, why in the world would you break up?! That's what I wanna know. Please throw some light on it!
"hear,hear on the "staying friends" crap...so unrealistic." Now now, sierraAZ and Indianajones - don't be condescendingly judgemental about something which you may know nothing about. It's really not that unusual that two people who were lovers can, once the angst is over, have a healthy friendly relationship. Cheers!
Here's one for you. I do know everything about this sort of thing. I could write a book about it. That's why I KNOW it doesn't work, and by the time it would work, at least a decade would have to have gone by, and I agree with sierraAZ's last statement. All in all, in a perfect world everybody could have long term relationships that almost lead to the altar, break them off and hurray, live "happily ever after as FRIENDS", but it's NOT a perfect world is it? Let's be realistic because that relates more to the world we live in as imperfect humans.
sierraAZ and Indianajones: It's possible that I look at it all rather differently from the two of you because I'm probably much older than you. Indianajones, I must beg to differ most strenuously with you when you say, "I do know everything about this sort of thing. I could write a book about it." Maybe it's just debating semantics but I think it uncautious (if not self-defeating) for anyone to profess absolute knowledge of any subject...
I've had several truly loving and caring "intense" relationships over the years both within and without marriage (for the record, I haven't been married for over a quarter century now and doubt that I will be again!)
Reference the point at hand, I was affianced to a wonderful man almost 20 years ago who decided that he wasn't "ready" after all. I was devastated, heartbroken. After a year or so had gone by we started to communicate now and again. He had a new girlfriend, I had just met someone else. Now 20 years later, he was quite recently married to a wonderful woman who I've met and really like a lot. We're now geographically quite distanced but communication is lively and friendly. Why could I NOT be friends with him - obviously we had enough in common that we fell for each other in the first place.
My next relationship lasted about four years but it probably should have ended sooner than it did because we really weren't a good match and there was much angst associated with our eventual breakup! Today, we are truly good friends and, once in a while, one of us will say to the other, "I love you" and mean it.
I don't know if what I have written will make any real sense to you but since you challenged my viewpoint I felt compelled to answer without writing a book.
"Friends with benefits" seems to be a newly coined terminology which I've yet to understand. But then I came of age in the late 60s/early 70s when "free love" was the theme. Back then, though, we didn't have AIDS and the worst we had to deal with was basically either unwanted pregnancy or an easily treatable "itch!!!"
I don't think the subject of "being friends after..." demands another thread. I still think the OP (who I assume is relatively young) is to be commended for the way in which he has tried to extricate himself from a relationship which he senses cannot, at this point in his life, segue into marriage. He sounds to me like a very compassionate man who has tried to terminate a bit of an up and down four year relationship which guilt and family pressure has persuaded him to defer from time to time. Cheers!
Maybe I'm not as clear as I'd like to be. I don't really care if her friends and family hate me or not. Aside from it being a little awkward if I see them, it doesn't bother me so they're not applying any pressure on me at all. I'd be mad at someone for breaking my sister's heart too.
Also, when we broke up in the past, we got back together almost immediately. So I don't believe she thinks there's still hope for us to get back together (since it's been two months now). Through this breakup, I believe she experienced a surreal moment where she didn't quite believe it was over. Then, because of her friends and family's words, she hated me when I wasn't around. Now, I think she's at a point where she thinks she's sick of men. She doesn't want to trust another guy to only be mislead or dumped again.
But as someone said, this is hard on me. Us breaking up was fine for me (I've been able to not think about it) but seeing her go through this is what's difficult for me. When we broke up, I told her I'd be there for her if she needed me. I meant it and I still do. Abandoning her, though it may be better for her in the long run, just doesn't seem fair. Unfortunately for her, she doesn't have close friends anymore. They all found a man to live with or marry. She doesn't exactly have someone else to spout her emotions or seek advice from. I know I shouldn't remain friends with her out of pity. I realize I gave up the rights of the boyfriend to feel responsible for her. However, I'm still her friend and I'd feel obligated to help any of my friends. The only thing I'm concerned about is if my "helping" is actually hurting her, as someone indicated.
If it sounds like I'm not listening to what you all are saying, I apologize. I am reading and taking all of your perspectives into account (though I believe all of them are pretty much the same - leave her and let her deal with it on her own). But as the saying goes, it's easier said than done.
Okay, but I was answering your thread's query which was "How do I help an Ex move on?" and the best way to do that is to make a clean break from her. As long as you are "there for her" then she will keep turning to you for support and never move on to dating someone new. Anger really does help many to move on to the next relationship and not keep looking back fondly on the old one.
I have to agree with the other posts here: before there can be any friendship, there needs to be a period where there's a clean break. Especially where one (or both) person feels so shocked and hurt from the breakup, emotions need to be processed and sorted, lingering feelings need to fade, you need time to see the other person in a new capacity. You both need to let the dust settle before your relationship can even begin to transform into a friendship. And while friendships after serious relationships may be possible, don't hold your breath. Just let time do its work, and you'll both see how you feel about it after a period of complete separation.
I think you did the respectable thing by atleast discussing your feelings and the breakup with your ex-girlfriend. After all the emotional investment, she deserved at the least an honest communication and explanation. (As for me, my serious now ex-borfriend dropped a bombshell on me with the breakup a few weeks ago. The day before we were making plans to meet family, planning a vacation that was mere weeks away, talking about a future together. The next day he broke up with me over the phone without so much as an honest explanation, because it was unhealthy to talk about it and dwell. I didn't even get a breakup discussion, and basically had to deal with the shock and try to heal without knowing why or what had happened. And trust me, it's much harder to heal when you don't know what hit you, and you don't even have a reason to be angry or hate. You're just left with a sudden and profound loss and all this love for someone who just dumped you). But after this discussion, there should be a clean break and she needs to heal alone. How can she reclaim and redefine her individual, single identity if you're always there? You, also, need to do the same and need time for yourself. You can't be her emotional crutch and expect her to become independent. Let her be angry; it helps ease the pain and is part of healing. But it's time you both give one another space. The hurt is still fresh for both of you, but with time you will both be fine.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That's what I wanna know. Please throw some light on it!
