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Old 03-22-2008, 01:27 AM
 
Location: VA
549 posts, read 1,226,425 times
Reputation: 319

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I broke up with my girlfriend (of 4 years) about two months ago. We're still friends but she's having a real hard time moving on. I tried explaining my feelings the best I could to give her closure. I told her that I didn't want to marry my first serious girlfriend. Though she never pushed marriage, I know it'd be in the future. If you want to discuss how wrong or right I am, feel free to (but please after you respond to the purpose of the thread).

Anyway, she hasn't taken the break up well. She recently said something that stuck out to me. She was ashamed of herself for not being as strong as me, for not taking the break-up so well. It's not that I cared so little about her that the break-up didn't bother me. On the contrary, I care for her a great deal. That's why I voluntarily to spent 8 hours with her to help her with her school work. That's why I've had several discussions with her about "our" situation. But I just don't think much about our break-up. The only thing that I'm upset about us breaking-up is that it's left her in shambles (despite how much she'll deny it). But her being broken is something I expected before I told her it was over. In fact, that was one of the reasons I felt it was necessary, I didn't want to stay with her out of pity.

Her friends are telling her to stop talking to me. Most of her family hates me now (understandably). However, she's told me that she needs to continue talking to me to help her through this. Otherwise if I left her, she'd likely not talk to me for a very long time (a year or two). That's an outcome that I don't want but at the same time, I think me being her friend is not helping her. If anything else, it's prolonging her healing process. So I can stay with her as a friend or leave her... The latter sounds horrible but at the same time, it sounds like the right thing to do. Any advice or other perspectives is appreciated.
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Old 03-22-2008, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Texas
2,172 posts, read 4,636,838 times
Reputation: 1308
Continued talking to her has got to be taking a toll on her. I mean it could be that you are giving her a false sense of hope that the relationship "could" be revived. I am not saying that completely cutting her out of your life is what you need to do.. but in order for her to move on .. it would probably be the best thing for her to do. She may be mad, but with time, will heal. I dont think anyone is going to question why you broke up with her after 4 years.. but I do have to say.. 4 years is a long time to invest in something and then break it off.. I can understand why she is heartbroken. I hope this isnt something you did at a drop of a dime! I mean it is rough to think you are in a good relationship one minute and then told the next morning.. "hey we are done". Thats a bombshell. I hope everything goes good for you!
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Old 03-22-2008, 08:01 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
22,481 posts, read 27,048,543 times
Reputation: 23029
Agree with SATX. I have several "exes" that are now good friends but that doesn't happen overnight and certainly not with continued communication right after the breakup, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee.

You made a hard decision and you need to cut the ties, period. It's irrelevant whether or not her family and friends think negatively about you - it's not their life. If you have to see them from time to time, take the high road and just be polite to them.

It sounds as though you put a lot of thought into making this difficut decision and in my book you're to be commended for neither dragging out a relationship you're not happy with nor sticking with it for the wrong reasons. Good luck and cheers!
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Old 03-22-2008, 09:16 AM
 
23 posts, read 78,309 times
Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident View Post
Agree with SATX. I have several "exes" that are now good friends but that doesn't happen overnight and certainly not with continued communication right after the breakup, whether you were the dumper or the dumpee.

You made a hard decision and you need to cut the ties, period. It's irrelevant whether or not her family and friends think negatively about you - it's not their life. If you have to see them from time to time, take the high road and just be polite to them.

It sounds as though you put a lot of thought into making this difficut decision and in my book you're to be commended for neither dragging out a relationship you're not happy with nor sticking with it for the wrong reasons. Good luck and cheers!

I don't know about the "commended" part. If she wasn't the one for you, and you KNEW you didn't want to marry your FIRST serious girlfriend, than in my opinion it shouldn't have taken you four years to figure it out. I think the most after two you should have known it was serious enough to get to the point you have reached. I will say that it's better to do it now than later obviously, but I sense a bit of selfish justification going on. I would say, to keep chatting as friends is not a good idea since she is still hanging on and like someone else said, this will only prolong her devastation. I'd say make some kind of agreement such as if she absolutely feels the need to talk to call, but I wouldn't go out of the way to offer more than that, and this I would explain as diplomatically and kindly as possible. Need to put yourself in her shoes and envision the whole thing I guess.
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Old 03-22-2008, 09:20 AM
 
Location: Southern NC
1,915 posts, read 2,855,672 times
Reputation: 2375
I agree...fresh breakups need time and distance before a possible friendship can come of it. Good luck.
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Old 03-22-2008, 12:45 PM
 
Location: VA
549 posts, read 1,226,425 times
Reputation: 319
Well, to be more in depth, I've broken up with her twice before. We got back together soon afterwards though. We've been discussing a break up for about a year now so it wasn't necessarily a bombshell. I was kind of waiting for her to move on campus to give her a "fresh" start and so that she wouldn't blame herself about it (there's really no need for her to blame herself but of course, she has - "I need to find someone better than her" kind of mentality). But instead, she decided to commute to college which left me to believe she only stayed in the area so that we didn't break up.

We've been broken up for about two months now. Soon after we broke up, I tried giving her space. I called her about once a week, saw her about once a week, etc. She responded by being angry with me because she thought she was the only one that cared about continuing the friendship. So I call her maybe two or three times a week because I do care about her and I do want to know how her day was. But if I'm reading you all right, I should let her be angry with me? Keep the distance or cut ties altogether would better her off in the long run? I'd hate for what it'd do between us but if it helps her, I'm willing to.
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Old 03-22-2008, 12:56 PM
 
Location: Southern NC
1,915 posts, read 2,855,672 times
Reputation: 2375
By breaking up & getting back together so many times, I'm sure she feels she's going to get you back....if you know that's not an option...give her space and time....several months, before any contact. Then feelings will have time to heal before the friendship starts.
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Old 03-22-2008, 12:59 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,033 posts, read 22,430,472 times
Reputation: 10236
Stop calling her. Let her be angry with you. The anger will help her get over you. Time will heal her heart.

If she calls you, be cordial with her but don't get sucked into a conversation about how she is doing. Don't be her crutch. The longer you are nice to her, the longer her feelings for you will last.

Being a nice guy and calling her a couple of times a week so that she doesn't get angry actually isn't helping the situation for either of you. It's best to make a clean break. And if her family and friends vilify you, let them and don't try to defend your reputation. All of this will help your ex get over you.

I hope that you have close friends that are separate from hers. If not, make new friends. Move on to fresh territory. The friends that you two share are like community property. Letting her have them is the least you can do for her. You got to dump her, even though she didn't do anything wrong. It always hurts more to be dumped and the person dumped always feels the loser. So be generous in letting your collective friends side with her.

BTW I am not hating on you for breaking up with her. Sometimes, one partner grows away from the other one, or the magic just isn't there. At least there are no children involved.
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Old 03-22-2008, 01:00 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,735,250 times
Reputation: 3460
Quote:
Originally Posted by endersshadow View Post
How do I help an Ex move on?
Stop talking to her, stop contacting her, cut the apron strings.
She gets to have her own life when you get OUT of her life.

It's not your job to "help" her move on!!!!!!

You do that by staying as far away from her as possible. PERIOD.

She gets to be angry and upset, that's good, that's her job, not your problem worry or concern.
You get to feel uncomfortable, guilty, happy, whatever, that's your job, get on with it, don't involve her.

IN SHORT.....LET HER GO AND STOP ALL CONTACT. It is best for you and best for her.

Anything else is: codependence, still hanging on, keeping the door open, not letting go yourself, sending mixed messges, red flag behavior, unhealthy for both of you, unfair to her, slippery and messy.

Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 03-22-2008 at 01:21 PM..
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Old 03-22-2008, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Texas
2,172 posts, read 4,636,838 times
Reputation: 1308
Yeah simply put.. leave her alone and let her deal with her own stuff. She will get over it.. it really sounds like you are having a hard time moving on also .. even though you state you arent.. but I think you are.. I believe that to not comunicate with her would be good for the both of you.
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