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"You are saying hurtful things to my husband and you need to stop. We both love you and enjoy spending time with you, but will have to stop if you insist on saying horrible things about him or bringing up the neighbors."
And mean it.
^^^ this. CLEAR words need to be spoken to make it stop. Family usually means well, but this is ridiculous.
This is a situation where you have every right to assert yourself. Your family is carrying on a campaign of aggressive communication. In other words, they are communicating things that disrespect you, your husband, your relationship, and your rights.
So far, you have not really responded. This may seem like it keeps the peace, but is not direct and honest. And you are seething inside. If this continues, you or your husband are likely to respond aggressively, too--losing your tempers, saying things you regret. The worst part is, that when you do this, your family will convince themselves that they have touched a nerve, spoken a truth you don't want to hear. And they'll keep at it.
So assert yourself. Stick to the facts of what they're doing, without judging it, but without excusing it. Don't start off with, "I know you mean well." Get to it: "I feel disrespected when you say that Joe is going to cheat on me, because we have a good and honest relationship. I want these comments to stop now. If the situation changes, I'll let you know." Of course, you can adjust this phrase as needed to better reflect your state of mind.
Do not argue, condemn, or defend. Stick to what you want. Stay calm, and repeat that want as many times as necessary until you get it.
This should work. Why? Because you haven't criticized them or pushed any emotional triggers. You have only identified the talk that bothers you, without condemning them for it (but without excusing it at all, either). And you have said what you want. You may have to accept that they'll gossip behind you back--that's them, it has nothing to do with you. What you won't have is this annoying negative drumbeat interfering with your marriage.
Of course, one time may not do it. You may have to repeat this to get final results. But this will bring you to what you consider acceptable much faster than other ways of explaining it.
Good luck! Enjoy all the positive relationships in your life, and stand up to the negative ones!
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, 5 out 7 years married. We are a young couple (27) and we have a 3 year old daughter. We purchased a home a year ago and started this amazing relationship with our neighbors (for some reason, the whole family is jealous about our relationship with them). We see our neighbors as family, because they are the type of people that are always there when you need them.
This family consists of two sisters (around 50 years old) their husbands, and the sisters elderly parents who are 80 years old. One of the sisters have 2 sons that are our age and they have a young cousin (girl) who is 20 something years old, she doesn't live next door, she lives with her boyfriend like 40 minutes away.
In one occasion, my uncle said to my husband "Don't have a relationship with you neighbors, you have a young, good looking wife, you never know what could happen" My husband didn't pay much attention because he trusts me the same way i trust him.
I can live with my family gossiping, but now my own parents are telling me, to control and watch my husband closely, to never leave him alone, that she is going to cheat on me with this girl. And they tell him too, they insinuate that he is going to cheat on me.
We are getting tired of this, my husband is affraid that this gossip is going to affect our marriage, in the 7 years that we've been together i have never been worried about him cheating, he has always respected me, he would never go out without me, even though we are young he has never looked at any other girl that way. He doesn't even care about this girl, they dont really talk other than "Hello". My husband is very upset because he sees my parents as his parents, and he says he cannot believe that at this point in our marriage, 7 years later my parents are pulling this and don't trust him.
What do i do in a situation like this?
Thank you.
You have to tell your parents what you just wrote here, and in addition to that, you need to tell them, that there has got to be boundaries....their interference is hurting you and will hurt your marriage. Tell them, what will be will be, but they have no right to say those things about your husband. And let them know, you don't want them in your life so much if that is the way they are going to act. This is all drama no one needs. Let them know this....and be firm, not nasty but firm.
Let them know that kind of talk is not welcome in your home....they can think all they want, but to never ever vocalize that to you again. Period.
Yeah, sounds like you need more space from your family, if they’re saying both of you might cheat. They wouldn’t happen to be overly religious, would they?
Seems the more “devout” they are, the more they obsess on other people’s personal business.
I completely agree with you, if he really wanted to cheat, he could cheat with any other girl. This is crazy, i have never had a problem like this in my marriage. That is why i am so desperate
Never? Your family just became a bunch of judgmental gossips overnight?
I honestly am not seeing the problem. How is this "ruining" your marriage? Is it tempting your husband? Is it causing fights? You never mentioned that.
Just change the subject and stop talking about your separate relationship with the neighbors. Better yet, stop talking about yourselves at all. Talk about your family and the experiences you share together.
It sounds like your family may be a little too involved in your day to day life at your own house. Tell them you trust your husband through your own first hand knowledge and that they need to stop. Then change the subject or get a little distance or break from them over this topic.
Their marriage [your parent's marriage] was rocked by an infidelity, that they never told you about. Your mother only decided to forgive your father after she was convinced that all men would equally succumb to this temptation.
That would totally justify their behavior toward you.
What is your best behavior? Even knowing this? Love your husband.
Thank you everyone for your answers. I would like to add that we dont see this girl often, she lives with her boyfriend 40 mins away from us. We are not friends with her, and my husband doesn't talk to her, only like "hello, goodbye" we have met her boyfriend before who is a nice guy, i have her on Facebook, my husband does not.
I spoke to him, he said that he would never risk our wonderful marriage and he would never risk our daughter, that he does not only love me, but he is very attracted to me. Honestly, our relationship and sexual life hasn't changed at all, i can see he is still crazy about me in every way.
We had a conversation and we believe all this rumors, gossip and fear from my parents might be because my cousin cheated on his wife after 25 years of marriage 3 weeks ago.
Thank you everyone for your answers. I would like to add that we dont see this girl often, she lives with her boyfriend 40 mins away from us. We are not friends with her, and my husband doesn't talk to her, only like "hello, goodbye" we have met her boyfriend before who is a nice guy, i have her on Facebook, my husband does not.
I spoke to him, he said that he would never risk our wonderful marriage and he would never risk our daughter, that he does not only love me, but he is very attracted to me. Honestly, our relationship and sexual life hasn't changed at all, i can see he is still crazy about me in every way.
We had a conversation and we believe all this rumors, gossip and fear from my parents might be because my cousin cheated on his wife after 25 years of marriage 3 weeks ago.
This is so confusing, and I now I don't think we are getting the whole story.
If that's all it is... why on earth would a) your family be suspicious of someone you barely know and never speak to... b) this person you barely know and never speak to would come up in conversation with your family... and c) you had to ask your husband if he was planning to cheat on you with this person you barely know and never speak to.
No, i didnt ask my husband if he would cheat with her, he said it after hearing all the rumors about him. My parents are old fashioned, and they think that just because she is young, he is going to cheat.
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