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I know that the world is full of them, but much better to read about them than to actually experience it for yourself.
Needless to say, I'm in a world of hurt right now. This guy was addictive, like a drug you know is no good for you. He was an expert manipulator, and that's what kept drawing me back to him even though I threw him out time after time.
He knew how to dole out the "love/sex"--the short term "high"--while at the same time controlling me like a puppet. Again and again, I got sucked in, just like someone gets addicted to a substance that will kill them. They know it, and try to stay away from it, but the pain gets so unbearable from losing that ephemeral "high" that they give in to something they know intellectually can ruin their life. I fought tooth and nail to maintain my self respect, but it was useless and hopeless.
Every time I broke it off and started to feel better about myself, I'd mess up and let him in again. It was like reopening a wound that you're trying to heal, and the pain just got worse and worse.
I'd recently broke up from a long term relationship and was very vulnerable. Dated/met a bunch of creeps and thought this guy was "different." But I realized I have to turn it around and instead of saying "what's wrong with me?" realizing that it's not me--it's them. And I picked about the worst person I could have, but sometimes the most painful lessons are the most valuable. It was obvious from the beginning that it wasn't me--it was him.
So I'm struggling, like any addict, not to give in again, and to be very very careful about who I let into my life as friend, lover, etc. from here on in.
I do believe in karma, and the way this guy is going, all the "free rides" he got through his looks and charm are going to wind up biting him in the ass bigtime.
Any thoughts, advice, feedback would be most welcome. Thanks.
Sorry to hear that, Elvira. Not all people are like that. Somehow you've met the wrong ones, esp. this last one. But hang in there. You will meet some decent guys.
You're welcome. The hardest part is recognizing reality, which you've finally come to terms with. Now you can grow stronger from it. Don't let it scare you from future relationships, but now you know some warning signals to look out for, but hopefully it won't make you paranoid .
I'd recently broke up from a long term relationship and was very vulnerable.
I'm sorry. They do have an uncanny sixth sense enabling them to pick up on that! Never look for love when you feel vulnerable! Wish somebody had told me that when I did it shortly after losing my parents at the same time. Not that I would've listened...
I'd offer you a few articles. Getting some validation and understanding that at least you're not alone helps a little...
Pay good attention to it! We all like to feel SPECIAL and tend to ignore obvious red flags because everything will be DIFFERENT now with us... It will NOT! And yet it seems like those of us prone to it will still go for a toxic person if the right "opportunity" presents itself even after having all the understanding of it in the world. I hate to tell you that, but many of the reasons for picking such people lie with us. There may be a room full of decent people and we'd pick the bad apple because that's what we like... Unfortunately, personality disordered people are often the most charming. It's so sad... A kid touches the stove once, burns himself, and never does it again. Why are we grown-ups so stupid?! Obviously, there are explanations to these dynamics if you feel like digging deeper. I would recommend you also this book:
Don't get fooled by the title. It's a very serious and insightful book. The review calls it "more than a little creepy"... Well, the truth is hardly ever pleasant. The bottom line of it all is that "whole" people (if they exist at all...) CANNOT be seduced. The age-old concept of looking for your half assumes that nobody is whole! Everybody has his/her wounds and usually finds the most inappropriate person to relive the trauma and heal it. The only problem is that nobody wants "lessons"... we all would rather be happy... However, it seems like if we keep not learning them, we keep being presented with the same lessons.
Yeah.. I know what you are going through.. I myself have been through this .. time and time again.. It gets to the point where you believe you are meant to pick up the low lives of the world.. But believe me.. it gets better. Your best bet is to stay away from him. The hard part is the addictive part, I know its easier said then done.. Been there .. got the Tshirt.. and ripped it apart.. time after time.. All I can say is hang in there and for whatever it is worth.. stay away from him!! You will be in the supermarket and meet Mr Right.. not Mister Right Now...
Good for you that you've realized this and want to do something about it. Sometimes it's too late. I'm thinking that most of us have been in at least one 'addictive' relationship and I feel your pain. I'm rooting for you to pull yourself together again after this experience.
Sorry to hear about the jerky kind of guys that you've dated. My advice is to try not to be too nice to your future dates until they prove themselves as decent people to you. Act more guarded and cynical. Imply that you make less money than you do. I feel that you come across in person as being very nice, generous and together type of person. Make these guys prove themselves to you before you show them how nice a person or what a great catch you really are. It sucks to have to act this way, but that's just how life is these days. Too many con artists and people trying to find a person to date that they can use as a doormat or sugar daddy or momma.
Also, evaluate why you were attracted to these men in the first place. Maybe you were attracted to their initial aloofness and edginess. Did they ever complain to you about how their exes did them wrong? Were you caught up in trying to prove them wrong about them saying that all women were bad news? There must be some good self help books on how to avoid dating these creeps, and how if you are friends with them, how not to enable them to take advantage of you.
You are simply responding to the ongoing "hoovers," which he will continue to do until you make a disciplined final decision to keep your distance. It is important that you begin to assess your reasons for wanting to be with someone who is not mentally or emotionally healthy for you. This website speaks to a couple of personality disorders, but it has some really great articles for you to read about yourself. It was really helpful to me a couple of years ago. Warning: You may become addicted to this site, but eventually once you have healed you will be able to move forward and feel good about your decisions. Borderline Personality Disorder; Support for families and relationship partners
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