Relationship advice (long-term, how to, marriage, woman)

[Caruso86]

I'm a 31 year old male engaged to my 30 year old fiancé. We've been together for almost 2 years, I moved in with her for about a year now. We live in a great little quite community with 3 dogs, chicks ducks and geese.

About a year into our relationship myself and my best friend helped me remodel our kitchen, complete gut job. This was my first project to this scale to take on so the learning curve was dramatic. During the remodel which took 3 months to complete, gotta maintain my job too! I noticed behavior changes and cycles of criticism, controlling micro managing trates. I truely thought this remodel was going to fun, nope. Trying to communicate to my fiancé how things should done without solid facts to back up my reasonings behind the rebuild fueled her to nag at me. Things like "you spend more time researching than working" well I want to learn proper ways to avoid working backwards if something was wrong. "It's going to take you all day to do that" no it won't, not if it's done correctly the first time. Very few times have I heard any positive reinforcement on progress made whether big or small. Kitchen completion end of May 2017.

From then on I've became aware of said traits she has, she is a very strong driving woman, nothing wrong with that at all. But when she exaggerates i don't do anything around the house, in a tone of ranting fueled by emotions in a negative way. This emotional negative rants relected at me occur once a week more or less. When this happens I don't fire back with negative comments, I generally say nothing until the end, I am aware this makes matters worse. I find it difficult to talk when she's talking down to me.

I'm very laid back and easy going, quiet, reserved so I don't always voice to her how I feel. Communication is my weakness and it's difficult for me to improve that skill with her. Every time she lashes out when she gets trigger, I become more distant and sometimes sleep in the spare room.

The biggest thing I'm avoiding to fix that has been a problem with her is my family. My family has witnessed and experienced some of these controlling and critical traits of hers to the point that they basically want me to leave her. There's been communication and time spent between my fiancé and my family members. When I hear about these experiences from each of them, my family's side of the story is completely different from my fiance. Example, my fiancé told me she called my parents with intentions of seeking advice on how to help me with my problems, she said she had gotten 3 or 5 words or questions into the phone conversation and that my mom continuously talked over her and ratted her out, that my fiancé could not get a word in. I'm like ok, that doesn't sound like my mom at all. On my parents side of the conversation, they said my fiancé was over talking them and talking down about me. I don't know what to think anymore.

My family does not hate my fiancé, they just want to clear the air. My fiancé thinks my family hates her as I reassure her they don't and try to explain, and continues to talk down about them.

One more rant/situation. Date, October 2017. My fiancé works at a brewery coordinating large events there. She co-coordinated a benefit show with musicians involved with the Americana music society to support Americana music scene which my family string also preformed. She has been butting heads with helping to coordinate this event with the AMS which made her extremely stressed the night of the event and lashing out at AMS. Towards the end of the event she broke down as she lost control of plans as the event was wrapping up for the night, I tried to reassure her everything will be ok and to seek help from other brewery managers. At this point everyone involved coordinating the event is the enemy to her and wants nothing to do them ever again. Its 130am now and we set off to stay at this house which is on the property of the brewery. I lay it bed with her till she's ready to sleep then I asked her if I can play music with the other musicians around the campfire. She said yes. So I hauled my upright bass a hundred yards to where the campfire was at. Now some of these musicians are on the **** list with her, I lost track of time it's now dawn and I get a call from my fiancé. She is livid, furious, the most anger I've seen from her. She was cause I was playing music with the enemy until sunrise, but in her I was partying. So she kicks me out of the house, I went to the house to get all my tools and some clothes that morning, few minutes later she gets home too saying she doesn't want to see me again until I figure out what I did wrong. ?£|*%|&$&!/!!!!!!! I explained everything.

End rant

Bottom line I know my faults on communication and how to improve starting with the little things, just need to be consistent to be able to see any change.

Thank you for taking time to read this

[Caruso86]

Just wanted to add I believe our relationship is toxic. Is there hope for recovery? Do I need courage to ask myself to end this if I know we won't be happy down the road?

Thanks for relating to a toxic relationship and any advice. Cheers

[Parnassia]

Just a few comments:

Remodeling tests most relationships. There's no way to get away from something this upsetting right where you live.

You are brooding, building up resentments and grudges. She is frustrated and keeps prodding you to find out where both of you stand. You may be giving her the impression that all is well when its not. Neither of you are communicating what you need well. One is too patient, the other isn't patient enough. If you don't learn how to speak to each other its not going to improve.

[Frihed89]

The "you figure it out routine": it often means "You are not paying enough attention to me." Now comes the tricky part, in many cases. She doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't listening to her criticisms. She means, I need more attention; I need you to be present in this relationship; I need more affection... and so on.

And, in that case "go figure it out" is a cry for more attention, positive attention.

So, stop withdrawing from her and get with the program. She's saying, I need you...not a lonesome shadow.

[Sassybluesy]

I'm curious...what is the state of your kitchen now? Have you finished the remodeling?


Did you move in to HER house, or did the both of you find this house together, and move in together? Did you both agree that the remodeling needed to be done?


I can totally see how the remodeling would stress anyone out. Whatever the circumstances. And IF you moved into HER house, and IF you were the one who decided the kitchen needed to be remodeled she MIGHT feel like things are out of control.


Me personally, I'm claustrophobic, and I can see myself getting stressed about my kitchen being torn apart. I'm HOPING I wouldn't react like your fiancé, but I KNOW it'd have me on edge. And if I'm picking up on the idea that maybe the remodeler isn't exactly sure he knows what he's doing...it WILL add to the stress. Right or wrong, maybe I'd be more like her than I'd like to admit. Home is where the heart is, as they say, and if the home is torn up, it could make a person edgy I think.


And if the kitchen is STILL torn up at this point, where can she rest? Where can she find her center? Then the stress is going to spill out to other areas.


I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for her behavior, and it DOES sound like she's turning into a giant bee, but maybe the kitchen situation is a large part of that.

[codergirl]

Originally Posted by Caruso86

I'm a 31 year old male engaged to my 30 year old fiancé. We've been together for almost 2 years, I moved in with her for about a year now. We live in a great little quite community with 3 dogs, chicks ducks and geese.

About a year into our relationship myself and my best friend helped me remodel our kitchen, complete gut job. This was my first project to this scale to take on so the learning curve was dramatic. During the remodel which took 3 months to complete, gotta maintain my job too! I noticed behavior changes and cycles of criticism, controlling micro managing trates. I truely thought this remodel was going to fun, nope. Trying to communicate to my fiancé how things should done without solid facts to back up my reasonings behind the rebuild fueled her to nag at me. Things like "you spend more time researching than working" well I want to learn proper ways to avoid working backwards if something was wrong. "It's going to take you all day to do that" no it won't, not if it's done correctly the first time. Very few times have I heard any positive reinforcement on progress made whether big or small.

From then on I've became aware of said traits she has, she is a very strong driving woman, nothing wrong with that at all. But when she exaggerates i don't do anything around the house, in a tone of ranting fueled by emotions in a negative way. This emotional negative rants relected at me occur once a week more or less. When this happens I don't fire back with negative comments, I generally say nothing until the end, I am aware this makes matters worse. I find it difficult to talk when she's talking down to me.

I'm very laid back and easy going, quiet, reserved so I don't always voice to her how I feel. Communication is my weakness and it's difficult for me to improve that skill with her. Every time she lashes out when she gets trigger, I become more distant and sometimes sleep in the spare room.

The biggest thing I'm avoiding to fix that has been a problem with her is my family. My family has witnessed and experienced some of these controlling and critical traits of hers to the point that they basically want me to leave her. There's been communication and time spent between my fiancé and my family members. When I hear about these experiences from each of them, my family's side of the story is completely different from my fiance. Example, my fiancé told me she called my parents with intentions of seeking advice on how to help me with my problems, she said she had gotten 3 or 5 words or questions into the phone conversation and that my mom continuously talked over her and ratted her out, that my fiancé could not get a word in. I'm like ok, that doesn't sound like my mom at all. On my parents side of the conversation, they said my fiancé was over talking them and talking down about me. I don't know what to think anymore.

My family does not hate my fiancé, they just want to clear the air. My fiancé thinks my family hates her as I reassure her they don't and try to explain, and continues to talk down about them.

One more rant/situation. My fiancé works at a brewery coordinating large events there. She co-coordinated a benefit show with musicians involved with the Americana music society to support Americana music scene which my family string also preformed. She has been butting heads with helping to coordinate this event with the AMS which made her extremely stressed the night of the event and lashing out at AMS. Towards the end of the event she broke down as she lost control of plans as the event was wrapping up for the night, I tried to reassure her everything will be ok and to seek help from other brewery managers. At this point everyone involved coordinating the event is the enemy to her and wants nothing to do them ever again. Its 130am now and we set off to stay at this house which is on the property of the brewery. I lay it bed with her till she's ready to sleep then I asked her if I can play music with the other musicians around the campfire. She said yes. So I hauled my upright bass a hundred yards to where the campfire was at. Now some of these musicians are on the **** list with her, I lost track of time it's now dawn and I get a call from my fiancé. She is livid, furious, the most anger I've seen from her. She was cause I was playing music with the enemy until sunrise, but in her I was partying. So she kicks me out of the house, I went to the house to get all my tools and some clothes that morning, few minutes later she gets home too saying she doesn't want to see me again until I figure out what I did wrong. ?£|*%|&$&!/!!!!!!! I explained everything.

End rant

Bottom line I know my faults on communication and how to improve starting with the little things, just need to be consistent to be able to see any change.

Thank you for taking time to read this

You seem to be a laid back sort of guy without a care in the world.Well that will change if you marry this woman.She sounds controlling and your family sees this BUT you are already in her web so you don't see this.You're blinded by it.You need to get out of this relationship before it gets worse.Your family sees her for how she is...you don't and that will be your downfall.

[zentropa]

If she is critical of you now, do you think this will magically change after marriage?

No no no. Do not marry someone you have even the slightest doubts about in terms of the way they treat you. Ask me how I know.

[Caruso86]

Appreciate the feedback! Sassy, forgot to mention the completion of the kitchen and other facts, which was may 2017 the kitchen has been completed aside from a few final touches. I moved into her house that she has been living at for about 5 years. It's an older cabin kinda home so there's some TLC needed here and there. The landlord had 4 different bids to remodel the kitchen and he turned them all down, of course it's going to be expensive. So I asked her the thought of us doing the remodel and my friend help us through the bulk, saving the landlord tons of money. She liked the idea and wrote a contract to the landlord for him to agree to that we'll be doing the remodel. Reason being...the kitchen had loads of termite damage structurally compromising some framing as well as 10+ sq/ft of mold around the kitchen sink. It was rough but for the most part I thought we did pretty well not killing each other. We built back everything from the floor up including building the cabinets!

I understand completely her stress during that period, but to save money I had to become a electrician, plumber, cabinet builder, tile guy. I was happy to tackle the job and to finish it strong. The end result she is very happy with it.

She is seeking attention from me that I don't give her. But the way she seeks attention now has become a cycle, a build up of all the negative things about me and my family like 80/20 80 negative/20 positive.

I am going to try harder calling out the little things I notice she does around the house that I wouldn't comment on, just wish she would show appreciation of the little things I do as well around the house.

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by Caruso86

Appreciate the feedback! Sassy, forgot to mention the completion of the kitchen and other facts, which was may 2017 the kitchen has been completed aside from a few final touches. I moved into her house that she has been living at for about 5 years. It's an older cabin kinda home so there's some TLC needed here and there. The landlord had 4 different bids to remodel the kitchen and he turned them all down, of course it's going to be expensive. So I asked her the thought of us doing the remodel and my friend help us through the bulk, saving the landlord tons of money. She liked the idea and wrote a contract to the landlord for him to agree to that we'll be doing the remodel. Reason being...the kitchen had loads of termite damage structurally compromising some framing as well as 10+ sq/ft of mold around the kitchen sink. It was rough but for the most part I thought we did pretty well not killing each other. We built back everything from the floor up including building the cabinets!

I understand completely her stress during that period, but to save money I had to become a electrician, plumber, cabinet builder, tile guy. I was happy to tackle the job and to finish it strong. The end result she is very happy with it.

She is seeking attention from me that I don't give her. But the way she seeks attention now has become a cycle, a build up of all the negative things about me and my family like 80/20 80 negative/20 positive.

I am going to try harder calling out the little things I notice she does around the house that I wouldn't comment on, just wish she would show appreciation of the little things I do as well around the house.

Thanks for the answers Caruso. I totally get having to do the work, and I totally get you doing it yourself (with your friend's help.) I was concerned that this was a big half done project which was stressing her out, but I see now that it's been done for nearly a year now...so THAT wouldn't be a stressor at this point.


Really, it sounds like she doesn't handle stress very well, period. And maybe you're her stress reliever...except more like a punching ball. lol


I think it's perfectly within your rights to point out to her firmly, that you don't deserve the way you're being treated. Try to keep as much emotion out of it as possible. Sometimes, we all need to be reminded that we're not being our best selves, if we're all being honest, and sometimes we need to be called on it.

[Ruth4Truth]

It sounds like you two need pre-marital counseling. While you're working on your communications issues together, and other things, you can also discuss things like: money-management, future financial goals, and that sort of thing, as all couples on the path to marriage should do. After that process is complete, you can evaluate whether to continue forward or not. Or it may be obvious halfway through, that you're not a good long-term match for each other. That's what pre-marital counseling is for, in part; to help couples face the difficult questions, and see if they truly are on the same page with the important stuff, or not.