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Old 02-10-2018, 07:37 AM
 
Location: around
818 posts, read 454,571 times
Reputation: 735

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
I think most people have a hard time growing up. Individuals in general are selfish and lack the ability for introspective reflection. Hence why it’s always somebody else’s fault that their plight ended the way it did.

When going through a divorce the person that is bitter is likely at least 50% to blame for the current situation. They just don’t want to hear it nor have other people tell them the truth.


l agree and you prove my point..
Yet women are doing 75% of the divorcing now yet there is no way it's 75% mens fault because as you just said, 50 50.
l've known plenty of great husbands and not so great wives putting it politely and vise verse .

The divorce rate is far higher than it's ever been in history and they say 50% of those marriages = and families lets not forget the most important part in the whole thing, the kids, did not have to divorce, they quit , because they don't have what it takes.
Exactly like you said , immaturity, selfishness , the good old me me me out there now.
Trouble is , it takes two people to save a marriage,

Last edited by hawk101; 02-10-2018 at 07:45 AM..
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Old 02-10-2018, 08:38 AM
 
212 posts, read 161,743 times
Reputation: 491
This time around I am listening to myself and not what family or society expects is the next stage in life. I didn't expect that I would become a divorced single parent and still feel guilty at times for breaking up the family but in fact, our family unit was already holding on by a rubber band.

As I venture out into the dating world, I am learning that it's best to trust my instincts and enjoy my life. I can't please everyone and my priority is my home life and being happy not what others expect of me. Be patient with yourself.
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Old 02-10-2018, 10:36 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,293 posts, read 84,292,537 times
Reputation: 114640
Quote:
Originally Posted by PetiteGem View Post
This time around I am listening to myself and not what family or society expects is the next stage in life. I didn't expect that I would become a divorced single parent and still feel guilty at times for breaking up the family but in fact, our family unit was already holding on by a rubber band.

As I venture out into the dating world, I am learning that it's best to trust my instincts and enjoy my life. I can't please everyone and my priority is my home life and being happy not what others expect of me. Be patient with yourself.
^This is good thinking. I hung in my marriage too long because I didn't want to admit defeat. I thought that if I tried hard enough there MUST be some way I could fix it. One half of a couple can't fix a marriage alone. "Maybe I say it THIS way, he'll understand and be a better husband and father. Maybe if I try THIS, he'll see the light." Waste of time, and sadly, typical of us codependent types who chose addicts for partners.

Now older and wiser and in a much better relationship, I say yes, trust your instincts and if it seems right, go for it and shut out the opinions of others who don't get it.
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Old 02-10-2018, 10:54 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,293 posts, read 84,292,537 times
Reputation: 114640
Quote:
Originally Posted by hawk101 View Post
l agree and you prove my point..
Yet women are doing 75% of the divorcing now yet there is no way it's 75% mens fault because as you just said, 50 50.
l've known plenty of great husbands and not so great wives putting it politely and vise verse .

The divorce rate is far higher than it's ever been in history and they say 50% of those marriages = and families lets not forget the most important part in the whole thing, the kids, did not have to divorce, they quit , because they don't have what it takes.
Exactly like you said , immaturity, selfishness , the good old me me me out there now.
Trouble is , it takes two people to save a marriage,
That is the truth.

We had the discussion here not long ago about the "women doing the 75%" or whatever of the divorcing.

This usually just means that women accept earlier on that the marriage is done and over and are willing to pull the plug and move on rather than drag it out any further. If I'd left it up to my ex, we would have remained married much longer, but I accepted by my early forties that he wasn't EVER going to get his act together re the drinking, gambling, and unemployment issues, where five years earlier I might still have had hope. At that point, I knew there would be no more children, no home of my own, nothing but more of me working and supporting someone who didn't want to grow up, and so there was absolutely no reason whatsoever to continue.

If you spoke to him, his version would probably be that I just ended the marriage for no reason without giving him a chance, but he had plenty of chances. He scrambled around trying to make a show of "trying" after I had him removed from the house, but it was just too late, and I knew he was only trying to get back into the comfortable place he'd been before.

This is often what happens. A woman sees that the marriage is in trouble. She tries to talk with her husband about it, but he only hears "nagging" and doesn't really give validity to anything she says. Eventually, she realizes he is not going to listen, that he does not value her words and dismisses her feelings, and so she stops trying to fix the marriage.

HE thinks everything is just dandy now, because she has stopped "nagging", but in reality, she has given up and now knows it is just a matter of time until it's over. Then one day she gets up the nerve to file for divorce, and he acts shocked because he thought everything was OK, and then you get this story where all the women are initiating the divorces.

No. It's just that she has understood for a long time that it isn't working and is ready to move on. The divorce is just the final, visible funeral for something that already died sometime back.

I am sure this scenario can happen the other way, too, where a man sees the marriage hurtling toward the cliff first, but it seems to me that in most cases, women face the reality first.

Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 02-10-2018 at 11:05 AM..
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Old 02-10-2018, 11:07 AM
 
Location: New Yawk
9,196 posts, read 7,208,181 times
Reputation: 15314
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inacitysomewhere View Post
I am a Christian too. I have been dating a man who is more of a diest than akything else. It doesn’t bother me. However we are both very openminded and both of us value freedom ofthought so there is no issue with not “listening.” My ex actually had that very issue. A we were both Christians but there was some different theology and when I didnt agree it was “not listening.” I wont date someone like that rrgardless of their religion. Im addition I am liberal—I am an open theist and believe in theistic evolution, things like that, so while I do describe myself as aChristian, I don’t describe myself anymore as an “evangelical” because open theism doesnt fit that. I don’t think I would date someone with a vastly different worldview though.
It’s ironic, right? Sometimes it’s easier to mesh with someone of a different religion altogether than someone who is a different denomination of Christianity.
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Old 02-10-2018, 11:38 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
88,293 posts, read 84,292,537 times
Reputation: 114640
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms.Mathlete View Post
It’s ironic, right? Sometimes it’s easier to mesh with someone of a different religion altogether than someone who is a different denomination of Christianity.
Yup.
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Old 02-10-2018, 11:45 AM
 
Location: California side of the Sierras
11,162 posts, read 7,612,234 times
Reputation: 12523
Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
My perspective changed a lot after divorce. I stopped working so earnestly to please others, and focused instead on what pleases and fulfills me. I also have no time for people who don't have their ish together, are mentally unstable, or have manipulative/sociopathic tendencies.
Same here. Of course, I am now older and wiser as well as divorced.
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Old 02-10-2018, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Central IL
20,726 posts, read 16,283,321 times
Reputation: 50370
Sure - the idea that anyone was going to be looking out for me other than myself became much clearer. And that there's absolutely no reason to get or be married if you're not planning on having kids, at least not when you're older. I have no desire to mingle my finances with anyone and prefer to keep all "entanglements" as simple as possible. I can get the benefits of marriage without the downside.
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,775,613 times
Reputation: 30347
Divorce after 20+ years definitely changes your outlook...on a lot of things.

Remarrying is not in the cards for me...once, for a long time, is enough. Besides, I like being single
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Old 02-10-2018, 04:49 PM
 
Location: Nevada
777 posts, read 450,797 times
Reputation: 1613
I don't really care whether I marry again.

I DO want a monogamous relationship (which I have now) and for it to grow into co-habitation (too soon after only a few months, but appears to be heading that way eventually).

But marriage? Eh.... if I am happily living with my guy and he asks, I probably would say yes, but the piece of paper isn't a big deal to me anymore. The quality of the relationship and being happy is.
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