Relationships: Atheists & Spiritualists (dating, wife, movies, boyfriend)

[AsymptoticFaery]

Do you believe that a long-lasting relationship can work between two people with different belief systems? Should you have belief values in common in order to have compatibility? In a marriage? Raising children?

In your opinion (and experiences, if you have any that relate here), could a relationship between an atheist and a very spiritual person work?

As a spiritual person, I don't necessarily mean someone who is religious. Being spiritual always seems to be tied to religion and used interchangeably which I disagree with. I find that quite a few religious types aren't really about spirituality, but just structure, discipline and/or self-actualization. And of course, someone can be religious AND spiritual.

When I mention being spiritual, I just mean being a person who believes to some degree in a "higher plane"; however they might define or relate to it.

[Dennis58]

Well, I believe in God, and I myself would heed the biblical warning agains't this type of marriage. But, there is a difference in the spiritual realm, and religion itself. Even though I don't attend church much anymore, it would be a dealbreaker for me, if my fiancee suddenly pronounced herself a non-believer. The denomination of her church would not matter to me, as long as they didn't preach anti-biblical things, or worship any other being besides God. I had a thread once called: Do we yoke ourselfs unequally? This part of it all is probably the MOST important consideration of a woman I would choose to marry. Thats my thoughts, as they apply to ME. Everyone on here will not feel like I feel, about this.

[jkcoop]

Originally Posted by AsymptoticFaery

When I mention being spiritual, I just mean being a person who believes to some degree in a "higher plane"; however they might define or relate to it.

I actually interpret spirituality as being in tune with yourself, your surroundings, your life, etc. I do not associate it with religion at all. I am an atheist. I most definitely think different people have different ideas of what spirituality means TO THEM.

My husband and I both have the same belief system. I personally could not be with someone religious because of the background I came from. As far as how we raise our son, we have been very open with him about discovering what he believes for himself. Don't go by what our belief system is - he needs to come to whatever conclusion he comes to on his own. I don't know how you would raise a child if the parents had very different beliefs. Someone with a very strong religious beliefs will feel they must pass that on to their child. It would hard to be passive about it in that situation.

[AsymptoticFaery]

Originally Posted by jkcoop

I actually interpret spirituality as being in tune with yourself, your surroundings, your life, etc. I do not associate it with religion at all. I am an atheist. I most definitely think different people have different ideas of what spirituality means TO THEM.

My husband and I both have the same belief system. I personally could not be with someone religious because of the background I came from. As far as how we raise our son, we have been very open with him about discovering what he believes for himself. Don't go by what our belief system is - he needs to come to whatever conclusion he comes to on his own. I don't know how you would raise a child if the parents had very different beliefs. Someone with a very strong religious beliefs will feel they must pass that on to their child. It would hard to be passive about it in that situation.

I will admit that it is difficult for me to understand how one with an atheistic view can be spiritual because I find that the term traditionally means someone who relates and believes in things in matters of the spirit. So while I agree that being spiritual includes being in tune with oneself and self-actualizing as well as seeking answers, finding "truth" and learning, if one does not see or believe in anything beyond the material world (including soul/spirit/whathaveyou), then I don't understand how they can be spiritual. Would that be the appropriate term to use in self definition?

They can be self-actualized and in harmony with themselves but not spiritual. I have come to understand that for atheists...spirit (beyond physical realm) doesn't exist on any level. There's not a belief in any metaphysical reality greater than oneself. That's the way I understand the term spiritual...and why I don't feel it has anything to do with being religious necessarily. I am not religious and don't feel comfortable subscribing to strong religious doctrine but I define myself as very spiritual. I have strong interest in the sciences, seek truths in many things and in many ways, I like to decide for myself and explore greatly many ideas and the like, but I do naturally feel a connection to a metaphysical reality.

For example many traditional Buddhists (devout and practicing) are religious but they have very atheistic views. It is reported although it is also often disputed that Buddha himself rejected metaphysical reality and believed in self as the highest form and thus did not want to be worshiped or seen as a deity. It's not very clear-cut because so many Buddhists and forms of Buddhism subscribe to a multitude of viewpoints, especially in today's time where eclecticism is practiced heavily. Some believe in deities, relate karma to spirit and soul and so forth, while some don't.

I also can understand that some people see spirit in describing "energy" and in that context, being spiritual would mean just believing in, understanding and connecting with the energy in oneself. It goes no higher than that and it is rather physics-based. It certainly goes outside of the denotation of what spiritual usually means and implies and again I can understand how the term is used in that sense, however it's not what I meant when I spoke of belief differences that would possibly present a problem in a relationship.

So if one believes in and has a concern with things in the realm of the spirit or the metaphysical, let's say, without necessarily being religious, how well would this work, within a relationship, with someone who is an atheist and either doesn't subscribe to spiritual in this sense or in any sense at all?

The core beliefs and how they shape and define each person's world view would seem to be quite different then.

I hope this makes sense.

[jkcoop]

You are completely making sense and it would be interesting to hear from someone in that situation. As an atheist, it isn't something I think about throughout the day. My beliefs never really come up in my day to day life (unless I'm on a board like this ). It's very much the opposite of someone who has a different sort of belief system - where it may be a constant thing that is part of their every day activities.
A lot of how those things would play into relationships would be how outwardly the other person expresses their beliefs and if they feel the need to visit those on their partner. I could never be in a situation like that, but then, my background and the way I was raised makes me very prickly when it comes to others trying to put their beliefs on me.
Now I hope I'm making sense!
I try and be respectful of others beliefs. While I am adamant about how I believe, I know others are just as adamant about theirs. There is no changing someone's mind, and I wouldn't want to. Live and let live. I subscribe to the never talk about religion or politics - unless someone has the same point of view, it never ends well.

[songinthewind7]

I don't see where that would make a huge difference in a relationship unless one of them was going overboard with the way they believe or don't believe.
I am a very spiritual (not the religious churchgoer) person and my s/o is agnostic. We both talk about what we believe and don't believe to an extent but we're not overly obsessed with talking about it.
It's like sports. He enjoys sports and I don't but we still have a great relationship.
Not everything has to be on common ground.

[miu]

I don't think that there would be a big problem with an atheist and a spiritual person, or if the two have two different religions having a relationship. It depends how seriously each person takes their spirituality and what their religious rules are. If they end up having children, there will obviously have to be some compromise.

One of my favorite old movies is Bringing Up Father. One of the subplots in the movie is that the mother finds out that the dad has never been baptized. She then spends much of the movie worrying and crying that he isn't going to end up in heaven with her. At the end of the movie, he gets baptized just to make her happy even though he himself is not any more spiritual in his life outlook.

I've always been an atheist and have never had a problem finding other atheists to date. I tend to screen out men first if they want to have kids, then secondarily if they are very religious. But then again, I've never come across as a traditional woman who wanted to be married, have kids and the house with a white picket fence.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by miu

At the end of the movie, he gets baptized just to make her happy even though he himself is not any more spiritual in his life outlook.

It amazes me that anybody could possibly think being baptized makes a difference... OK, I was baptized as a baby, but so what?! I'd describe myself as being an agnostic. I don't rule out something I'm not sure about one way or another. I do believe in the existence of some higher power. Nobody's explained the origin of life convincingly enough for me.

I can't be in a relationship with an overly religious and church-going person. Otherwise having certain beliefs wouldn't bother me as long as it doesn't involve weekend routines (church) and preaching to me. That's in theory. In reality, though, I'm not likely to have much in common with such a person anyway...

[Fat Freddy]

I am a Spiritual Atheist, I don't know what my wife is. I know that she prays. I asked her who she prays to and she said it didn't matter to her who hears her prayers, God, Jesus, Allah, or anyone else who might be able to influence whatever she is praying about.


It doesn't bother me that she prays. I might even benefit from some of her prayers, although I think most of them are for our daughter and our friend Alice, who has had several heart attacks.

[miu]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

It amazes me that anybody could possibly think being baptized makes a difference... OK, I was baptized as a baby, but so what?! I'd describe myself as being an agnostic. I don't rule out something I'm not sure about one way or another. I do believe in the existence of some higher power. Nobody's explained the origin of life convincingly enough for me.

I can't be in a relationship with an overly religious and church-going person. Otherwise having certain beliefs wouldn't bother me as long as it doesn't involve weekend routines (church) and preaching to me. That's in theory. In reality, though, I'm not likely to have much in common with such a person anyway...

Him getting baptized didn't make any difference to him going up to heaven, however it did make his batty wife happy. It's a funny movie. A very young Elizabeth Taylor is in it.

I did date a man of Jewish heritage for a while. But he wasn't very spiritual, so it never was a problem for us.

My boyfriend's mom is moderately Catholic. Two years ago, she married an atheist. They get along great. He will keep her company to important events in her life that involve a church (weddings, funerals) and when the praying starts, he respectfully lowers his head and folds his hands. Even with religious couples, I see one partner is more devout than the other one. Usually the woman is more devout.

Anyway, when starting to date anyone, it's really important to assess and go down a list of compatibilities and where the clashes are. I've never let my heart rule who I end up dating. Things like being very religious or smoking cigarettes are permanent deal breakers. And knowing that Brad Pitt smokes cigarettes in real life is a turn off so he's never been a movie heart throb for me. Angelina can keep him!