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But when ANYONE trots out "I have issues, I can't trust" blah blah blah...when they actually VERBALIZE those kind of words...it's over. Cause I'm hearing "I'm keeping you at arm's length." It's (to me) a ploy to make me feel sorry for you. Hellz bellz, I'm past those days.
My cynical side (and experience) want to say: be very careful here. This is a pretty common way for people to get some benefits while having a quick out when they feel like it, and to keep ducking a commitment, while still getting...whatever.
I was abused in more ways than one can count and I can tell you that when I really wanted a guy...I was the one trying to make it work.
ANY time I have heard oh, I'm in a bad place...or, I want to commit but I have fears...or anything of that nature, the poor suffering soul sure WAS ready to get dropped pants and a lot of understanding. Getting? Sure. Giving? Oh, no. Too afraid!
I don't hope this is the case with you. OTOH if this guy really is telling the truth and is that crippled but isn't getting any help for it you are in for a world of pain anyway. I am not trying to be cold...but you HAVE to think of you in this case.
He will keep stringing you along trying to fix you until you're the one who is bitter.
Emotional damage, but you're currently in therapy, directly addressing issues? Great! Let's have a few dates and take it slow and I will decide whether to give MY heart. Won't go to therapy and won't make a promise to think of the next person too and don't agree not to progress physically until you are on your healing path? I'll be a friend, absolutely, and we will both have our pants on the entire time. And I'll be the best ear on earth ('cause you need one)...and that's it.
He's actually going to intensive therapy and working on improving himself. He knows he has issues and he is trying fix it. But you can't fix things overnight either.
where it has led you to not allow yourself to get close to anyone nor be in a relationship, when you fall in love with someone but deny yourself from getting close to them for the fear of being hurt, what's that like?
My life in a nutshell, except for the emotional abuse or falling in love parts. Purely out of a need for self-preservation and independence I keep everyone at arm's length and don't let them get close.
What's it like? Listen to The Wall and get back to me.
So anyway, when he says he's afraid to get close he means physically too, right?
We briefly dated. And when we did he let go of the fear and it was amazing. After a short while it came back and the wall came right back up. So we decided to go back to being friends. But it's quite obvious that those feelings are still there from him. Feelings don't just dissipate like that.
I've been abused emotionally myself, one bad marriage and a couple of so-called "relationships" in which the ones I thought I could trust, played me dirty.
I entered my current relationship with a ton of cynicism. It took a while for the ice to thaw, but I'm still rather guarded. Now, six months in, I feel a bit more at ease yet my S/O notices that I don't let my guard down completely. She knows about my last marriage and how my ex wife hurt me. I don't talk about it much - but she has asked me about that and prior experiences; I've told her a few things here and there. She's shown empathy and is understanding.
What are certain things she has done that has made you trust her more?
We briefly dated. And when we did he let go of the fear and it was amazing. After a short while it came back and the wall came right back up. So we decided to go back to being friends. But it's quite obvious that those feelings are still there from him. Feelings don't just dissipate like that.
Okay. So keep being his friend, while protecting yourself, and see how the therapy and so on shake out. You're right, the person isn't going to just automatically heal.
However, if you try to segue this into a relationship again at this point it seems obvious you're going to get hurt. You're distressed enough about it right now to be posting for advice about it. This could take years, literally. It's unlikely he'll have an epiphany tomorrow. And as I said, though there must be exceptions somewhere, I really have not seen a person who was hurt in the past NOT step up to the plate...fast...when he was really into some girl.
JME.
Be supportive if you truly want to be a friend but don't expect too much, if things are this up in the air. You can make your own decision but you're asking for advice, so...there's mine, anyway.
Some people are emotionally unavailable, period, and it doesn't matter what caused it, they aren't really willing to work through it and be vulnerable again. That is a personal choice. Like any person who clings to the identity they build around their problems and woes, it becomes a self indulgent excuse, a demand to be forgiven for anything they do, because "pity me, someone hurt me, I got dealt a bad hand in life."
I've known people from many walks of life who do this in many ways. My mom has done it most of her life. She'll tell me about some crazy thing she did, and is freaking out about how to survive her latest catastrophe, and I'll try to give her advice, and she'll shoot down every idea. Because ultimately, she does not truly, TRULY, want a healthy life where she'll be held accountable for her actions. She wants the label of victim, she wants to be diagnosed with a dozen things, she wants someone else to "take care of her" even as she ruins every person who tries, she wants to always have an excuse.
A person who clings to this, "I've been hurt, so I can't let myself get too invested again" thing, is doing something similar, they want a pass to do whatever, and an excuse when their behavior hurts other people. To be able to look at you, as you cry, and say, "How dare you think your feelings should be important when mine are in the room?"
Then there are some, who have been emotionally abused, and they are sincerely trying to recover, to work through it, to put it behind them. They don't use it as an excuse for anything. They might ask that things progress at a slower pace, but their hearts aren't completely closed. I would say the difference between the two, is that the unhealthy person makes you feel like one minute they're yanking you close, the next, they're shoving you away. The healthy person keeps you more or less consistently at a certain distance, and lets you take one step closer from time to time. OK, now stay there...OK, now I'm comfortable, take one more step... It might be slow, but it's not a hot and cold act.
Do not let anyone's victim act make you feel forced to deal with things that harm your own emotional health. Just don't. It's a hard lesson to learn, but necessary.
This is where he started off when we dated. And he is going to therapy now to fix his problems. But I also realize I can't wait for him til he fixes his problems. I am still dating other guys, but at the same time being patient with him. I haven't found anyone yet that interests me that much.
Okay. So keep being his friend, while protecting yourself, and see how the therapy and so on shake out. You're right, the person isn't going to just automatically heal.
However, if you try to segue this into a relationship again at this point it seems obvious you're going to get hurt. You're distressed enough about it right now to be posting for advice about it. This could take years, literally. It's unlikely he'll have an epiphany tomorrow. And as I said, though there must be exceptions somewhere, I really have not seen a person who was hurt in the past NOT step up to the plate...fast...when he was really into some girl.
JME.
Be supportive if you truly want to be a friend but don't expect too much, if things are this up in the air. You can make your own decision but you're asking for advice, so...there's mine, anyway.
Well, I did something last week. I wrote him a letter letting him know how much I care about him and how proud I am of the progress he has made. I also let him know how much he means to me. I did not ask for anything in return nor seeking a response. I also told him this wasn't an attempt for me try to get us to date again. I mentioned to him that as much as I would like us to be together, I respect his decisions and will continue to do so. That if a friendship is all we ever have, then I accept that. I was just letting him know what a great person he is to me.
For me that letter was to validate and recognize our special connection. It's also been to help me move on. I now know I can walk away knowing I did everything I could and opening myself to him like that. I am starting to date again.
The interesting thing is at the very beginning when I start dating someone he starts acting up sending me heavy signals. It's worked in his favor that those guys usually fizzled (and not because of him). I have actually made it a point now not to tell him I am dating someone to avoid him from interfering and giving that person a chance without his influence. I am also starting to make sure now that when we go out, it's more in group settings, so he understands that while I understand his challenges, I also need to protect myself and move on.
So right now I am just struggling a little bit in managing me emotions. You can't kill those feelings and I think in some capacity they will be there always. But the message for him was, that he knows how much I care. He can do whatever he wants with that. While hurting I am also looking forward and moving on.
It's also for me to let him know that if I do find someone and it becomes serious, that he has a special place in my heart. Because the thing is I know how he feels about me. The second I mention that I am dating someone, or that he I am hanging out with a guy friend he gets very serious, sad, or anxious. That alone also tells me he needs stuff to work on. In order for a relationship to work out he has the be secure too, not just me. But I just want him to know.
Last edited by frimpter928; 02-28-2018 at 02:32 PM..
I am glad you're dating other people and not truly holding out for this man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frimpter928
What are certain things she has done that has made you trust her more?
The one thing that concerns me a little, is that you really have to let go of any sense that you can change him or be the one to heal him. I understand this impulse, very VERY well, having been with many a troubled soul in my lifetime. Just be careful not to take things too personally, because the man he is today or tomorrow or years from now, is not a creation of your making. If he eventually takes a path away from you, it's not because you failed to be what he needed.
I think that your moves to simply be a supportive friend, to just be "there" if he wants to reach out, are the right call. Just be careful, minding your feelings of attachment, if/when he does reach out. If you ever think he is healed enough to try and form a bond with him, please take it slow.
I am glad you're dating other people and not truly holding out for this man.
The one thing that concerns me a little, is that you really have to let go of any sense that you can change him or be the one to heal him. I understand this impulse, very VERY well, having been with many a troubled soul in my lifetime. Just be careful not to take things too personally, because the man he is today or tomorrow or years from now, is not a creation of your making. If he eventually takes a path away from you, it's not because you failed to be what he needed.
I think that your moves to simply be a supportive friend, to just be "there" if he wants to reach out, are the right call. Just be careful, minding your feelings of attachment, if/when he does reach out. If you ever think he is healed enough to try and form a bond with him, please take it slow.
Totally agree and I am very careful too. I make sure I limit my information to him on who I am dating and what is going on in that front.
For example. Last August I dated a man for a couple of months, (peacefully fizzled) we became friends and this friend that this thread is about knew nothing about it (this is after we already dated). It wasn't until a month ago that I revealed this guy to him. That was simply because I was going to hang out with the guy and my friend asked me by coincidence what I was doing that day, so I told him. He then started to probe me who this guy was, asking me "tell me about you and this guy". Clearly seeing he was getting insecure and nervous.
If he wants me or something with me it has to be on his own. Not because I started dating someone. I plan to continue keeping him in the dark on my dating life, until I find someone where it becomes serious, and it will be too late for him on that end. I don't do it to play games. I do it to protect myself and give others (as well as me) a chance of meeting someone just as good that isn't afraid to be in a relationship.
Deep down inside I wish we could be together because it's love, but sometimes you aren't meant to be with someone in that way.
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