fessing up to old infidelities (wife, girlfriend, marriage, guys)

[JudgeHolden]

One of my best friends from high school (he's 30) will be getting married in June. He has been with his fiance for about 4 or 5 years. Although they have had their dark times and obstacles, like most relationships, he genuinely seems to love her and vice versa. They seem like a reasonably good fit, unlike most of my other married friends (another thread).

There's only one problem, he cheated on her. It happened relatively early on in the relationship, during their first year together. He ended up sleeping with an ex of his a number of times. At the time, he decided not to tell his girlfriend (now fiance). Since then their relationship grew, and now he finds himself on the verge of marriage and his conscience is starting to eat away at him more and more.

Would you guys recommend that someone in this situation come clean so far down the road? He has subsequently remained faithful and swears he would never do it again. Therefore, there is some rationale (albeit a selfish one) in keeping it in the past and not bringing it to light. It would likely ruin what they have now, devastating both of them, when their relationship is so stable and loving at the present time. However, I can definitely see how the feelings of deception/guilt could eat at a person over time and be toxic to a relationship as well. At times, it would seem like your whole relationship is built on dishonesty! I think that I would have disclosed things a lot earlier(or not been in that situation in the first place), but I don't know what to advise him at this point.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation?

[The Man in SATX]

Well sounds like this individual has a mountain to climb.. a big decision to make. Based on your response (start a relationship on honesty) this is truly the foundation of the relationship.. if you dont have that you dont have anything.. Most would say.. forget about it and leave by gones to be by gones. This could be pretty sound advice at this point.. to me I would be thinking.. why would this individual all of a sudden want to bring something up like that? Probably because they are getting cold feet and could be looking for an out in the relationship.

First off.. why is he waiting until right before they get married to come out with this? Why are they(he) feeling bad about it now? My first instinct is to come clean.. obviously the individual is thinking something other then the relationship at this point.. (I could be wrong). She is either going to stay with him.. or hit the trail. In either case he must sow his seeds...

[Fat Freddy]

For the good of the present relationship:

What happened in his ex-girlfriend's bed stays in his ex-girlfriend's bed.

A clever rationalization always trumps a guilty conscience.

[ndfmnlf]

If his current fiance doesn't ask, he shouldn't tell.

[cpg35223]

Boy, I've never cheated. But I can't imagine how this would be a good idea.

Basically, in an attempt to unburden his soul, he's going to poison his relationship with the fiancee and future wife. He will destroy her happiness over something he has resolved that he will never do again. And if he tells her, he will never be trusted by her.

To me, it's really selfishness in disguise. For the sake of his future marriage and wife, he needs to suck it up, never do it again, and let the past remain the past.

[millie61]

Does he want to get married ???

[LaoTzuMindFu]

He should just leave it in the past. Make no mention of it at all.

[mommabear2]

Originally Posted by JudgeHolden

One of my best friends from high school (he's 30) will be getting married in June. He has been with his fiance for about 4 or 5 years. Although they have had their dark times and obstacles, like most relationships, he genuinely seems to love her and vice versa. They seem like a reasonably good fit, unlike most of my other married friends (another thread).

There's only one problem, he cheated on her. It happened relatively early on in the relationship, during their first year together. He ended up sleeping with an ex of his a number of times. At the time, he decided not to tell his girlfriend (now fiance). Since then their relationship grew, and now he finds himself on the verge of marriage and his conscience is starting to eat away at him more and more.

Would you guys recommend that someone in this situation come clean so far down the road? He has subsequently remained faithful and swears he would never do it again. Therefore, there is some rationale (albeit a selfish one) in keeping it in the past and not bringing it to light. It would likely ruin what they have now, devastating both of them, when their relationship is so stable and loving at the present time. However, I can definitely see how the feelings of deception/guilt could eat at a person over time and be toxic to a relationship as well. At times, it would seem like your whole relationship is built on dishonesty! I think that I would have disclosed things a lot earlier(or not been in that situation in the first place), but I don't know what to advise him at this point.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation?

I don't think he should come clean. What's the point? He can't do anything about what he did and it would only hurt her which solves nothing. He deserves to feel guilty but he shouldn't inform her to relieve his conscience.

[Rance]

He can tell her now...or he can tell her with his last dying breath on his death bed.

[cremebrulee]

Originally Posted by JudgeHolden

One of my best friends from high school (he's 30) will be getting married in June. He has been with his fiance for about 4 or 5 years. Although they have had their dark times and obstacles, like most relationships, he genuinely seems to love her and vice versa. They seem like a reasonably good fit, unlike most of my other married friends (another thread).

There's only one problem, he cheated on her. It happened relatively early on in the relationship, during their first year together. He ended up sleeping with an ex of his a number of times. At the time, he decided not to tell his girlfriend (now fiance). Since then their relationship grew, and now he finds himself on the verge of marriage and his conscience is starting to eat away at him more and more.

Would you guys recommend that someone in this situation come clean so far down the road? He has subsequently remained faithful and swears he would never do it again. Therefore, there is some rationale (albeit a selfish one) in keeping it in the past and not bringing it to light. It would likely ruin what they have now, devastating both of them, when their relationship is so stable and loving at the present time. However, I can definitely see how the feelings of deception/guilt could eat at a person over time and be toxic to a relationship as well. At times, it would seem like your whole relationship is built on dishonesty! I think that I would have disclosed things a lot earlier(or not been in that situation in the first place), but I don't know what to advise him at this point.

Anyone have any experience with a similar situation?

You can say, it was a long time ago, and since then, they have grown together, so forget about telling her...but...what if she finds out, indirectly....? Then what....the first thing she's going to think is, how many others were there, if he lied to me about this, what else has he lied about?

And now if he does come clean, there is a good possiblity she will leave him.

Tough situation...if I were you, I wouldn't advise him on what to do...but I will say this...if he doesn't tell her, the guilt of it, will kill him...as it seems to already be doing...

Sad....he could loose the best thing that ever happened to him, all because he couldn't say no.