Struggling w/what to do...need advice badly.. (date, man, love)

[Magnolia Bloom]

You're throwing in the towel way too soon....

Surprise him one Friday. Get the kid and the dog out of the house for the night, put on a wig of a different hair color, some sexy clothes, a pair of come-F-me heels and nail him the minute that he comes home from work. After he recovers and goes to the kitchen for some water, nail him again up against the refrigerator. And then when he goes to the restroom, follow him and drag him into the shower.

And have you ever gone to hotel bar and had him pick you up as though you were a stranger and have him take you up to his hotel room?

C'mon, sister, the role playing can be endless. Step out of your comfort zone and be the other woman...... and get some marriage counseling. He won't go? Just one word for you- oral. He will do anything that you want if........

Sounds like the two of you have a lot of positives going on. Don't take them for granted.

[Fat Freddy]

Tell him you are ready to try the three-way and that you already have the third partner in mind, someone you love and trust.

Then invite the dog.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by Fat Freddy

Tell him you are ready to try the three-way and that you already have the third partner in mind, someone you love and trust.

Then invite the dog.

People have priorities, man... Good grief! This goes even beyond my wildest imagination of... OK, have to stop now...

[cmarlow]

Wow! The responses are all over the map...from I'm being played to I'm not playing it up enough and trying new identities to the one that made me laugh w/the dog-I appreciate that so much right now!

I really don't want to use sex as a weapon or leverage. We have a good, fun sex life and for as long as I'm here I need to have the uplifting stuff to keep a good attitude for my child. Although, the more I think about what to do, I may become less interested in it. I do know that I can live without him as I have my own career and can be independent.

This has been really helpful and any other advice is welcomed. I'll let you know what I decide when I figure out what I'm going to do.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by cmarlow

My husband and I started dating at 19 in college. We lived together and got married at 26. He didn't and doesn't believe in the whole idea of "marriage" but when I began to look for a new place to live, he decided if that's what I wanted then that's what he'd do so we could stay together because he loved me and wanted to be w/me. Now, I realize I should have just left back then.

Something I am not sure has been mentioned already but this was a clear sign here, he didn't believe in the "whole idea of marriage". That right there should have shown that you probably were not on the same page when it comes to commitment and goals you both had in life. From reading that, there possibly was a sense of pressure to get married, intentionally or not. This rarely is a good idea. However, regardless of that fact you are married now and the vows usually say for better or for worse, in sickness or in health. You have shared that there are a lot of positive's in the relationship, so that's been the better part. He dropped a big bomb on you, now this is the worse part. From what you have shared I would have to agree with what another post said that he seems to suffer from a perversion in desiring his wife, the mother of his children, to be involved in a threesome.

You do have a tough choice here, stick this marriage out and try to fix the problems and stay together or throw the baby out with the bath water right now and cut and run. I understand that he doesn't want to go to counseling right now because he feels you know what he is feeling etc. etc. Thats all fine and dandy. You tell him you need the counseling to help deal with what he is feeling, to help you understand what it is he is going through because you just don't understand it. You need him to go with you and feel you deserve at least that. And if he still won't go... you go anyways, for you. Find yourself a good family counselor that specializes in marriages and allow that counselor to help you sort through what you are feeling and how to best deal with this difficult situation.

Originally Posted by cmarlow

Anyway, now at 39 w/a 7 yr old child, three dogs (one that's a pit mix), and an old cat, he dumps on me that he's not only attracted to other women (well duh I knew that) but as he's never been with anyone else constantly wonders what it would be like and for now he's been faithful (which I do believe) but the chances of it remaining that way forever are slim to none.

I think the fact that he came out and told you this is actually a good thing. I mean seriously, would it have been better for him to keep this to himself and leave you in the dark about it? He at least is giving you a heads up and letting you know that he is struggling with something. So again, your choices are stick it out and try to work through this "worse" moment or cut and run. If all area's of the relationship were having problems and stuff, who knows, but with what you have shared, I would think that trying to stick it out a bit and seeing if perhaps this could be some sort of "mid-life crisis" thing he is going through (another thing that I don't think has been mentioned but maybe has). If it is and he means what you state in the next part of your post, that he doesn't want to destroy your family, this may be something that together you both can overcome and be all the more stronger because of it. I am not saying, by any means, to be a doormat or put up with any kind of abuse or cheating. I am simply saying that as long as he is vocalizing a weakness he is struggling with to you and he is making a conscious effort, at least for this time to remain faithful, there is still hope of getting past this with your marriage in tact.

Originally Posted by cmarlow

He doesn't want to destroy our family right now and he's aware that if he cheats I will be gone. He claims to love me but if he had three months to live he'd want to run around and "live his life" meaning sleep w/other women and god knows what else.

see above.

Originally Posted by cmarlow

I feel like as soon as the little one is grown he'll be gone.

This is a sad reality for many marriages with or without the confession that your husband has made. There are no guarantee's in any relationship but for the vows and commitment shared between the two parties. Up to now your husband has at least honored those two things in the sense of not acting out on them although he has not honored them so much in his thoughts. Again though, at least you know what demons you are fighting here in this relationship. You need to ask yourself do you love him enough to try to stick this out, give your marriage the chance to overcome this hurdle or are you ready to throw in the towel on the marriage. Only you can answer that question for yourself.

Originally Posted by cmarlow

We get along fine and have a good sex life, but even though I have no interest in other men and probably will never marry again, I feel like I should just rip off the band aid and get out. The problem is that I want my child to be in a decent area so with having as many animals as I do and the fact that one is a pit mix it doesn't look good as I've looked around already.

I understand the love people have for their pets, believe me I do. I have 3 dogs of my own. But when I seperated 3 years ago and relocated with my children, because I believed it was the best thing for them and for myself, I had to leave these dogs that I had raised for 5+ years behind with my mother in the hopes that maybe, perhaps one day, they could be reunited with our family. Bottom line is, again, choices that need to be made. If you feel that you must absolutely end this marriage and you're primary concern, as it should be, is your children and what area you live in, then the question of the animals really should be of a secondary nature and not of primary concern. I also agree that if you feel that it is time to go seperate ways, even if temporary, it is your husband that has dropped a bomb and disrupted your lives. That is the family home, your child's home. If anyone should be looking for a place to go, temporary or not, it should be him, not you.

Originally Posted by cmarlow

I suggested counseling and his response was "so they can tell me that I want to have sex w/other women?" Apparently, men aren't designed for one sexual partner. I feel so bad that I'm calculating when my pit bull will be old and will likely pass away (because I love her dearly and would NEVER give her away-I've not had one yes to a pit mix anywhere-we own our home but if we sold we'd both maybe be able to get small condos so that won't work either). Any suggestions? Thanks

Again, with regards to the counseling.... you tell him you need him to go with you for whatever the counselor is going to say, but the bottom line is he has told you some unsettling information and you need help processing and coping with this information. You need him to be part of the counseling because in order to better cope and handle what's going on in your marriage, which is made up of both of you and not just one of you, you need to be able to understand him and what is going on in his head. And, as I mentioned before, if he still refuses to go, you go for yourself anyway.

As far as men not being designed for one sexual partner. I have to strongly disagree with you. They were designed for one sexual partner and to be able to remain monogomous in a relationship just as much as women were. Some men however CHOOSE not to do so. That has nothing to do with design but everything to do with choices that individuals make in life. They can either choose to be faithful and committed to a relationship with one person, or they can choose to try to have their cake and eat it too by seeking extra-curricular activities outside of what is intended to be a monogomous situation.

I certainly do not envy you. It is definately a horrible positions to be in and a most difficult decision to make. You are going to have to search deep inside you for the answers. I don't know what your faith/spiritual foundation is, but if you have a Pastor/Priest etc. that you trust and feel you can confide in, I am sure they will be able to offer you some advice as well as prayers for your marriage, your family, your husband and yourself.

Mari

[b75]

If he isn't willing to get counseling then he isn't willing to have a healthy marriage. If it were me I'd be willing to try to make the marriage work but only if we were trying to fix/maintain a healthy relationship. The way to do that is by getting a GOOD counselor. If he isn't willing to truly invest in the process your marriage is only going to get worse.

[geeoro]

Stop having sex with him and then you will see him change. It becomes forbidden fruit and YOU will start to become the one he longs to chase.

[gentlearts]

Wow, I think you have received some good, solid advise here.
I don't think you said, but I assume your husband is a good father to your child? If so, in your circumstances I would continue with as normal a life as possible for as long as I could. Don't get any more animals, or have any more kids, and build and plan an exit strategy for yourself when the time comes.

[*Danielle*]

Plain and simple...leave now. Why wait another second? You know its coming so let him go.

[cmarlow]

Gentlearts- he's an excellent father-one that many have commented on how they wish their husband was as interested and involved.

The replies seems to be from one end of the spectrum to the other and I am all over the map on how I feel as well right now.

As he is such a good father, we have a stable financially secure life, a good sex life, and get along well overall and I have no interest in being with another man and know I don't want to deal w/him w/someone else and if I leave at this point I will have to deal w/that because of my child, so at those moments I figure I'll stay as long as he seems to be committed to us and maybe it's a phase he'll pass through-doubt it but maybe-I am realistic. I do think it's a good idea if I do this to start saving on the side for an easy exit on my part should the time come. I think I'll take classes in the fall to work on moving over on my payscale as well.

At the other moments, when I feel like I annoy him or I get the feeling he's just here because he feels he has to be at the moment, I want to chuck it and go. I don't want to live inside a play that I know how it's going to end and just go along all phony until it does. I love him but does he really love me as he says he does. I figure I should respect myself more than to be strung along and tolerated until my child is old enough to handle it or he just can't contain himself.

I just feel like I'm spinning around and going underwater at the same time. I happen to teach so I'm off on break right now so I have more time to process things and it will be interesting to see what happens once I'm back teaching again as I've been off for a week and a half now.

Any other thoughts? They are all really helping me reflect so much.