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You might consider the idea of a "stealth" separation. To the outside world (and your child), all seems as it usually does, but you sleep in separate bedrooms and discontinue the sexual relationship. He becomes a housemate instead of a husband (but still remains as involved with your child). This serves two purposes: 1) Helps you gain clarity regarding the strength of your marital relationship and 2) Helps him to see what life would be like without you. All interactions with him are cordial but business-like. Neither of you is permitted to "keep tabs" on where the other is going and when.
I would recommend telling him how YOU want it to go and set a date to re-evaluate the relationship. If he is willing to go to counseling during this time, great. If not, define your boundaries and stick to them.
I suspect that he would realize that he's really acting like an idiot. Just sitting around wondering about "what could have been." Well, let him have as much time to think about it as he wants, but show him that you're not just going to sit around idly waiting for him to (possibly) "explore other options."
If you both feel he will eventually cheat on you because of his yearning for some strange, just let him go out and get a little and get it out of his system so you can go on with your happy life. It sounds as if he does really love you and overall you have a great family life.
You need to decide which is more important to you, a good marriage to an open honest man who is a good father and provider or knowing he had meaningless sex with someone he dosent care about. He may just find after scratching this itch that its really not all that great. Would one indiscreation be worth throwing away what you have now? Could you live with that knowledge and not have it destroy the feelings you have for your dh?
2mares,
If I let him do that, I would think about it and wonder and imagine it and be sick all the time and he wouldn't be putting himself near me afterward. I'm pretty sure it would be a recipe for destruction of marriage for me.
CMmom,
I've thought about just what you are suggesting but I don't think it's for me.
I actually have been wondering today if he told me and acts the way he does at times to push me to leave and then he can say that he wanted to stay and work it out but I didn't thus making me the bad guy for my child. I tried to move on before we got married but he told me I was silly, don't worry, and we got engaged. He acted odd before the wedding and I gave him all the names/addresses and told him how to cancel it as I did all the planning and he did nothing. I should've stepped up and left but I was young, loved him, and thought it would be ok because if he wanted out he'd go. He's all about going along-his only agenda in life seems to be have fun and if he isn't having fun he doesn't want to be a part of it-and not rocking the boat too much.
It sounds from your original post that emotionally you have already left him and are just hanging onto "the marriage". Is there anyway you could get him to leave and you and your daughter and pets can stay there.
Nope, he'd have to live in his car as we are in a mortgage that requires a bit of our incomes. I think when I wrote the post I was in a state of "I'm leaving since you are going to hurt me eventually anyway" and I bounce from that to the fact that I love him, he says he loves me, we have a good sex life and relationship that seems to be improving, want my child to have a family, think I can make a happy life until the end comes (which for me is the cheating) and maybe it will be good enough he won't want to give it up. I am at two ends of the spectrum at different points of the day. I'm basically a big fat mess.
Well, you need to find a way of not dwelling on what MIGHT happen. Stop living in the future and inventing senerios and live in the present.
Your statements like your going to hurt me eventually anyway and I can make a happy life until the end comes and calculating when you dog will pass so you can move on dont sound like healthy thoughts. Perhaps you are trying to justify an out.
It might not hurt for you to seek counseling for yourself to help sort thru your feelings and get things in perspective. All the best. I hope things work out for you.
Any other thoughts? They are all really helping me reflect so much.
I have to disagree with those who suggest withholding sex, etc. This, to me, is immature game playing and does not address the root cause of the problem: the husband is unwilling to commit to his wife. Engaging in petty tit-for-tats is not a way to address the issue--talking about it honestly, likely by way of a counselor, is. The husband is essentially reneging on his marriage commitment; either he renews and makes good on that commitment or there's no real reason to continue the marriage.
I must say also that I am troubled by your statement "maybe it will be good enough he won't want to give it up," which implies that the problem is somehow with you, not him. This suggests to me real self esteem and/or maturity issues on your part. It's not about you bending over backwards to somehow stave off his inevitable infidelity; it's about him meeting his commitment to be a faithful husband to you. You seem to think that you have to do everything you can to keep him from straying, as if you're not doing enough for him and you must move heaven and earth to keep him in your marriage. What about his commitment to you? What about his responsibility? It's a two way street, lady, but he's got you thinking that you've got to do it all. This is why I think he's being deeply manipulative and why, with all due respect, you have some issues here, too.
Last edited by professorsenator; 03-26-2008 at 12:15 PM..
Professorsenator,
I agree using sex as a weapon isn't a good option especially since it is something that is good for us.
I think being together as long as we have and being under the demands of a high pressure job (I teach in a high poverty area and put a lot of pressure on myself to teach these kids all I can in one year in addition to the general pressure of teaching kids who have some pretty scary/sad lives) that I've had for 16 years and taking care of my daughter I have let many things that I think he needed go. I know I used to show more affection, go more places, etc early on in our relationship. I never realized how all encompassing my job really was (or I guess how I let it be that way-my fault) until the past year. My daughter has always come first but I know I let him slide below and I thought if I really work on that without comprimising myself by doing anything I don't want to, we will come back to where we were. I definetely have some self esteem issues but I'm not breaking my back to please him by any means and would never demean myself by doing so or at least I don't think I would. I think it's true that he should step up and commit to our marriage but I don't think he will as he's said "because of something I did when I was 25 I should have no other experiences for the rest of my life?" I probably need to wise up and realize he's just biding his time and I'm hoping for a miracle but w/a child involved it's more complicated for me in this moment. I need to get into counseling but I'm pretty sure I'll go alone.
I think being together as long as we have and being under the demands of a high pressure job...that I've had for 16 years and taking care of my daughter I have let many things that I think he needed go. I know I used to show more affection, go more places, etc early on in our relationship...
OK, that may be (obviously, I don't know!). But the proper response from him should be an honest, sincere talk along the lines of "Honey, I know you've been working hard, but I need more affection, etc..." It is NOT "I'm gonna cheat on you and it's just a matter of time." Maybe there were things you should have said and done. Marriage isn't perfect and few, if any couples, don't have ups and downs. But he's being way out of line when he does such game playing with you.
At its core I sense a lack of commitment on his part and I find that troubling. You seem to think that his lack if commitment is somehow your fault, but from what you've posted here I just don't see it that way. What he's doing is just not right. And, frankly, his unwillingness to go to counseling is another indicator to me that he's simply not committed. From what you've told us I think you're blaming yourself far too much, if you ask me.
If his urge to "live his life" and sleep with other women is this strong- let him. You deserve better. Trust me, nothing is worse than being married to someone who thinks the grass on the other side is always greener.
I was married to someone who had these exact issues, so we divorced so that he would'nt miss out. Now that we are divorced an he has slept with many other women- guess what he wants-to settle down! He wants exactly what he had.Only now he is having a hard time finding it.
As for me with the children and pets- I have realized that being alone for a while (or for good) is better than being married to someone who wasn't sure about being part of a family in the first place.
It has completely changed my thoughts as far as the definition of real man and has made me seek only relationships where my SO feels they have lived a little so that I don't have to deal with the "what could have been" issues again.
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