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I find it funny that we have no problem talking about the most personal things on City Data forums, and write with strangers here, but we are creeped out by people in real-life.
People can't physically attack you online like strangers can in real life.
So I’ll put up a disclaimer - I am super chatty and make a of small talk when I am in public. I apparently send out morse code to peolpe that says please talk to me but.....
The other day I was sitting at Starbucks drinking a cup of tea and listening to a podcast. I was chilly so I had my hood on too. I was lookin down at my phone scanning something or other. But I’d say the body language I was puting out in the universe was, “do not talk to me right now.”
And a guy comes up, and sits down across from me. And he starts interrogating me. “Where are you from? My name is Bob, I am from so and so.” I look up for 2 seconds, say hi and go back to my phone.
The guy is still sitting there after a few minutes. ”Are you busy?”
I reply I am listening to a podcast. And I go back to my phone. The guy is sitting there still. Then says “are you married, you don’t have a ring? I am really nice and resoectdul to women. I want to get married. Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? Why not, I am nice. Let me give you my phone number.”
#creepy
At this point it has been more than a few minutes, and ignoring and not engaging with this guy is not working. So I tell him to give me his number, pretend to put it in my phone. And luckily he just walks away asking me to text him, and didn’t wait till he got a text from me before leaving. [that has happened to me in the past and one reason I use google voice regularly]
When randos come up to us, we don’t know if they are creepy assgressive, potential stalkers or what else.
In this case basic body language wasn’t enough. And ignoring him didn’t work. It was daytime in a public place so I felt safer that I would have if I was alone at night on the street.
So if you want to hit on women in public, pick up on basic social cues.
It doesn't work because people who make it not work are generally awkward people when it comes to talk, but the main reason why they don't get it is because they don't want to see or they go against the odds (just like the scenario from "dumb and dumber" with one-in-a-million... they already made a move that was doomed from a get-go in terms of odds, so they will happily cling to the one-in-a-trillion opportunity).
I'd give a good suggestion how to cut this in short, unless the post was solely to chat up about a creep you were not into:
- My suggesting to you is to tell it bluntly that you will never want to date him, bluntly. If you are not friends already, you may want you don't want him among your friends either, if you want. This will definitely work a lot better.
Reason why it works: The whole "politeness" or apparent "disinterest" doesn't work for the sole part because, if a guy ever made a move on a woman, he will likely interpret it as an opportunity. The only difference in his eyes will be the chance for this opportunity to "materialize". I.e. if he sees your apparent disinterest in him, or if you two are texting each other and he gets the vibe you are annoyed and leave messages to hang around, or if you apparently casually talk with him for weeks without clear ambition to go out.... he'll know his chances are slim. Guys who continue to push their chances after they see a woman is annoyed are one of the two kind:
- Awkward and generally asocial, i.e. the "uncool" types. The common scenario
- Aggressive and psychotic. The less common scenarion.
From a general perspective, slamming the door to a one-in-a-million will be a disaster to do with aggressive types but the general notion is that women know who's the aggressive type and they actually "cooperate" by showing apparent interest until. I would highly assume it's the former, though.
By the way, any guy who even remotely knows what he's doing and how dating in America works will try to find a way to be someone you know at least remotely, via friend(s). This means no random encounters with complete strangers and rather resorting to a way to create social setting where they meet a person of their interest.
Also, this guy seems to be completely clueless about dating in America. Honesty is the last thing to do, especially when it involves paving way for the other party, against yourself.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nald
By the way, any guy who even remotely knows what he's doing and how dating in America works will try to find a way to be someone you know at least remotely, via friend(s). This means no random encounters with complete strangers and rather resorting to a way to create social setting where they meet a person of their interest.
Also, this guy seems to be completely clueless about dating in America. Honesty is the last thing to do, especially when it involves paving way for the other party, against yourself.
Yeah, no. This assumes a lot. It assumes you know people in common (generally that you live in a small town/city) and that dating friends of friends is socially acceptable in your social group.
I get what nald is saying, but it doesn't have to be in your social group. I have dated the guy who owns the company that installed my AC, a former coworker, the son of my parents' friends, a neighbor (actually 2) a client, and my bartender.
Imagine all the possibilities around that don't require hunting down and bagging a total stranger!
Of course, if all you do is go to work and then come home and spend 99% of your waking in front of a screen, your possibilities are much more limited.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
I get what nald is saying, but it doesn't have to be in your social group. I have dated the guy who owns the company that installed my AC, a former coworker, the son of my parents' friends, a neighbor (actually 2) a client, and my bartender.
Imagine all the possibilities around that don't require hunting down and bagging a total stranger!
Of course, if you spend 99% of your time at work and at home alone in front of a screen, your possibilities are much more limited.
No, of course not, and meeting people out and about is ok. I, personally, and most of my friends won't date professional contacts or friends of friends. That is a personal decision though.
If I meet someone at a show, or an event, which does happen, cool. Though, everyone is a stranger when you first meet, and soon, if you hit it off, there is no issue.
I, personally, prefer OLD, I find it far far more effective in screening and meeting potential romantic interests than through events or other social situations. It's more effective in actually having something come from it, takes much less time overall, and I have MUCH better connections. I don't mind talking to and connecting to people as strangers, though. Some people do.
When it comes to approaching strangers, my approach is being casual and more focused on what we are here for. For example, if I am out at a grocery store (strangely considered one of the "good" places to meet someone), my conversations would probably be more focused on...groceries depending on many factors.
But if you have the right social skills, vibes, whatever, then any place can be a good place to meet someone. To be honest, any approach can fail. What works depends on the person. For me, cold approaches are not going to work because I don't have the right energy for it.
When it comes to approaching strangers, my approach is being casual and more focused on what we are here for. For example, if I am out at a grocery store (strangely considered one of the "good" places to meet someone), my conversations would probably be more focused on...groceries depending on many factors.
But if you have the right social skills, vibes, whatever, then any place can be a good place to meet someone. To be honest, any approach can fail. What works depends on the person. For me, cold approaches are not going to work because I don't have the right energy for it.
I have no problem forming relationships with strangers. I think “approaching” a stranger in public is fine. It just needs to be done the right way.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TJenkins602
But if you have the right social skills, vibes, whatever, then any place can be a good place to meet someone. To be honest, any approach can fail. What works depends on the person. For me, cold approaches are not going to work because I don't have the right energy for it.
Yeah, I have no interest in cold approaches because it doesn't cross my mind. Unless I've interacted with someone I'm not going to be attracted to them, so why would I approach? Each to their own.
Yeah, I have no interest in cold approaches because it doesn't cross my mind. Unless I've interacted with someone I'm not going to be attracted to them, so why would I approach? Each to their own.
You've said in the past, though, that you've met women simply by chatting with a fellow traveler at the bus stop, and other random public places. And it's worked.
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