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The man I am in a relationship with lost his wife three years ago. He has twin daughters who are 25 and were extremely close to their mother. Her wish was not to tell them that she was dying and they only had a week before she passed to prepare for their tragic loss. The young women are intelligent, pretty but are not social. They have each other. They work, go home & never date. My suggestion to my boyfriend was that they need grief counseling. I sympathize with them. They are polite to me but I know they are not ready to accept me beyond being cordial.
Their father & I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost two years. We see each other on weekends only (he is still working & we live an hour and a half apart). Since they still live with their father when I go to see him we must stay in a Hotel because his daughters are not comfortable with me sleeping at the house.
My family & friends think this is odd & wonder how long should he allow the girls to control this situation? My boyfriend says to give them time. How much time I ask? He is totally comfortable in my home. He knows my kids & family quite well.
He talks about us moving in together but I wonder...Is there truly a future with him? Will he continue to let his 25 year old daughters tell him what to do out of guilt on some level? Holidays have been spent separately because his daughters are not ready to meet my family. He is a wonderful man (funny, respectful, caring) & declares his love for me but at 59 years old I'm not sure how long is too long for him & his daughters to create change which involves me.
Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? Timelines are difficult. Any input/advice?
I think it was a tragic mistake to withhold the news of their mother's imminent demise from her daughters. Even though I think the concept of preparing for loss is not really valid, I think keeping children in the dark engenders anger. I realize that the twins were not little children, but actually were adults when their mom died. They should have been respected as adults. They should have been given the time to talk this through with mom, rather than having to deal with it almost completely after the fact. I do think that grief counseling might help, but it won't erase this error.
As far as the girls not being comfortable with your relationship to their father, I would think (not actually being there, so perhaps take this with a grain of salt) that it might be best to first discuss with their father where you want your relationship to go and what your plans might be. Then sit down with the daughters and talk about it. Try to keep it "adult," kind and understanding, but firm in that their father deserves to and should move on with his life.
I have a friend whose husband died 9 years ago. She has been seeing a man who is also widowed for about 2 years now. She has three adult daughters who have their own families. None of them will accept the relationship. Apparently, they think the interloper is robbing them and the grandchildren of their of their mother. My friend is completely accepted by her boyfriend's family. I don't understand children not wanting their parents to live full lives as they see fit. Anyway, I understand that this kind of situation can be very difficult.
I might be able to see this if they were 10 or 12 but not adults, sorry, this is wrong. And they still live at home? Time for them to do some growing up...and their father too. Time for ALL of them to get a life, otherwise, the three of them will have the whole rest of their lives revolve around their mother's death. Grieve all you want but there has to come a time when it doesn't define your life.
It's not likely your guy will suddenly grow a pair and tell the kids where the bear goes in the woods. And if he won't, there is no future for the two of you. Cut your losses and move on. The daughters are running the show, not the father.
When my mother died in her 40s, my siblings and I were all quite concerned that my father would never regain his footing in the world. We often referred to him as the eternally monogamous man (with sympathy, not to his face of course, more in our private conversations). After many years he did start up a friendship with a widowed neighbor. He obviously enjoyed doing things for her, spending time with her, and in many ways fell into a "provider" role with her. She was independent and quite capable of managing her own affairs but allowed it; I suspect out of a compassionate friendly kindness with a dash of hope on the side. We finally realized he was so concerned that he was being "disloyal" to our mother (and that we would feel the same) that he simply wouldn't go any farther into his relationship with her. He put on a neutral almost dismissive act when we were present, always referred to her by her full name, was pretty formal in public, etc. Ironic....all of us HOPED he would get past this, none of us resented this lovely lady at all, and we also felt our mother would have wanted this for him as well. If the two of them had known each other they probably would have been friends.
When he was quite elderly and going into decline, he once discussed his "intentions" formally with me. He would not pursue anything because he assumed she would end up becoming a live in nurse for him. He would not combine households, change his private life, nothing. He usually assumed the worst about his health and did little to try to change it. I felt it was quite sad and that he didn't understand that she wouldn't have felt this way at all. There were some difficult periods when he was so self-absorbed that he was rude and abusive to her and he almost lost her friendship. Ironically, he would call HER for help in a pinch and expect her to respond. Sadly, that's how things stood until he died. They had been friends for nearly 35 years. I remember her asking for some of his ashes. It really touched my heart.
However, one good thing resulted from all this....this lovely lady and I grew close and still are now. We commiserated and supported each other during my dad's decline, we talk all the time, confide about many things in his life that he'd never told the other person, we laugh at the memories, and basically we now have this sort of family relationship that he resisted so diligently.
Last edited by Parnassia; 03-19-2018 at 01:58 PM..
The man I am in a relationship with lost his wife three years ago. He has twin daughters who are 25 and were extremely close to their mother. Her wish was not to tell them that she was dying and they only had a week before she passed to prepare for their tragic loss. The young women are intelligent, pretty but are not social. They have each other. They work, go home & never date. My suggestion to my boyfriend was that they need grief counseling. I sympathize with them. They are polite to me but I know they are not ready to accept me beyond being cordial.
Their father & I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost two years. We see each other on weekends only (he is still working & we live an hour and a half apart). Since they still live with their father when I go to see him we must stay in a Hotel because his daughters are not comfortable with me sleeping at the house.
My family & friends think this is odd & wonder how long should he allow the girls to control this situation? My boyfriend says to give them time. How much time I ask? He is totally comfortable in my home. He knows my kids & family quite well.
He talks about us moving in together but I wonder...Is there truly a future with him? Will he continue to let his 25 year old daughters tell him what to do out of guilt on some level? Holidays have been spent separately because his daughters are not ready to meet my family. He is a wonderful man (funny, respectful, caring) & declares his love for me but at 59 years old I'm not sure how long is too long for him & his daughters to create change which involves me.
Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? Timelines are difficult. Any input/advice?
This is more a "relationships" forum issue than a "grief and mourning" issue, but I'll leave the thread here for a day or two in case someone can convince me otherwise, and to allow the savvy members here to sort things out.
It might be helpful for you to start out with non-judgmental empathy - EMPATHY, as is viewing the situation from the points of view of each individual, searching for what their needs and wants are, and not trying to live their emotions or have any SYMpathetic response - positive or negative. Here are some quick questions to start you off. Understand that what I suggest are possibilities and I have no more assurance of accuracy than what can be teased out of a single anonymous post:
The wife who died: The big questions there are Why did she not want to tell the daughters, and What was the colour of her relationship with her husband?
IF the mother and daughters were "extremely close" and the mother did not tell the daughters of her impending death, that "closeness" appears less close than manipulative or even one-sided. Did she not want to deal with the reactions from the daughters? Was she in denial? Did she not want to be out-of-control in any fashion? As the husband was complicit with her wishes, WHY was he so? What sort of man would NOT tell his own children of such an upcoming event? How else might that express?
The daughters: (they are not "girls" at 25 years old) You suggest that they are "telling him what to do." IF so, Why are they doing that? What are they getting out of that? What is HE getting out of that? Why are they not seeking life outside the home? What emotions are they showing - if any?
The husband/boyfriend: I find it telling that nowhere in your post do you address HIS grief, or what stage of reconciliation he is in. Does he express no grief? Have you noted him working through grief? Do he even discuss grief or his deceased wife? How does he see you fitting in to his life?
As an outsider, based only upon your post and my general knowledge, my first impressions are:
You are a friend with benefits - period -, with no meaningful input into the relationship.
The daughters are either in control or being used by your boyfriend as a shield.
The boyfriend has little need nor desire to change the status quo. He has work, the daughters are likely contributing in some ways to the home costs or upkeep, and he has you on the side in a controlled relationship.
Your questions have to be What do you want out of the relationship, What are your chances of getting that, what are you willing to settle for, is the relationship worth it enough for you to be continuing?
It can be easy for us to make pronouncements, but only you can ask and answer the various questions. I will address one comment directly though:
"My suggestion to my boyfriend was that they need grief counseling."
No. This is not a grief counseling issue. This is a family constellation and dynamics issue that is apparently so entrenched that, short of the death of the father, they would be resistant to attempts at counseling them with the goal of effecting change.
The man I am in a relationship with lost his wife three years ago. He has twin daughters who are 25 and were extremely close to their mother. Her wish was not to tell them that she was dying and they only had a week before she passed to prepare for their tragic loss. The young women are intelligent, pretty but are not social. They have each other. They work, go home & never date. My suggestion to my boyfriend was that they need grief counseling. I sympathize with them. They are polite to me but I know they are not ready to accept me beyond being cordial.
Their father & I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost two years. We see each other on weekends only (he is still working & we live an hour and a half apart). Since they still live with their father when I go to see him we must stay in a Hotel because his daughters are not comfortable with me sleeping at the house.
My family & friends think this is odd & wonder how long should he allow the girls to control this situation? My boyfriend says to give them time. How much time I ask? He is totally comfortable in my home. He knows my kids & family quite well.
He talks about us moving in together but I wonder...Is there truly a future with him? Will he continue to let his 25 year old daughters tell him what to do out of guilt on some level? Holidays have been spent separately because his daughters are not ready to meet my family. He is a wonderful man (funny, respectful, caring) & declares his love for me but at 59 years old I'm not sure how long is too long for him & his daughters to create change which involves me.
Has anyone been in a situation similar to mine? Timelines are difficult. Any input/advice?
Didn't you have this same problem with the guy you moved to Florida to be with? He didn't want to be with your family either. It almost looks like your riding the same old horse going down the same old road. Maybe you should look around for a different type of man. Are you supporting this guy like you were the other one? Maybe you should just learn how to go it alone for awhile....kind of get your head on straight. You don't have to be in a relationship to be content. Perhaps a good therapist could help you see things more realistically. Good luck to you on whatever you decide to do.
Harry...I didn't select the Forum; it posted there based on the Title. With that being said you bring up interesting questions & insight wondered if you are a professional counselor.
Yes my husband does speak of his wife; he also took care of her personally for the years preceding her death. He went along with her wish because their daughters were going to graduate college & she didn't want them unfocused. I hear that his wife had a controlling personality but I can't judge that from where I stand.
I suppose I wonder if I am in a controlled relationship as you say. I must give this further thought. Of course I would want to move forward that's why Im not dating anyone else.There are some questions yet unanswered. Thank you.
Harry...I didn't select the Forum; it posted there based on the Title. With that being said you bring up interesting questions & insight wondered if you are a professional counselor. Yes my husband does speak of his wife; he also took care of her personally for the years preceding her death. He went along with her wish because their daughters were going to graduate college & she didn't want them unfocused. I hear that his wife had a controlling personality but I can't judge that from where I stand.
I suppose I wonder if I am in a controlled relationship as you say. I must give this further thought. Of course I would want to move forward that's why Im not dating anyone else.There are some questions yet unanswered. Thank you.
It sounds as though this man will continue to be dominated by his 25 yr old daughters and that is odd that they don't date anyone . They sound as though they have made their dad and mom their whole world and they are not ready for you to take or date their dad at all . You have to get a hotel room because they are not grown up enough to understand their dad has a right to a life they sound incredibly spoiled . I think they will always control their dad until he passes from this world to the next . My advice to you is to get out now this is a powder keg waiting to blow . Dad will never do anything without lil girls approval . what a mess he has allowed in his home sorry but true . Get out of this relationship now .
okay are dating him or did you marry him and you are having to get a hotel room ? I m also confused
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