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OP, does it give you pause that your BF seems to pick his friends badly? Sure, guys should have guy friends but this dude you're describing sounds like an a**. Why is your BF still friends with someone like that?
I did address that.
But worthwhile to add: Not all of his friends are jerks or takers or users or dysfunctional people. I've met a few couples he was friends with, who were delightful. And we generally share a larger social group of friends & acquaintances...people I would say we aren't quite as invested in, since we haven't known them decades or anything and normally only see in the group settings, but still. Good people.
I would say that the one friend I don't care for, and other men who didn't seem like healthy friendships, were people who came into his life in his past, and it's possible he has kind of outgrown them, but mostly did not sever that one last connection due to habit, pity, obligation, history...
The woman, she legit seemed like a really cool human, if only it weren't for the "friend-zone factor" of it.
I think your guilt is unnecessary, I mean it's noble....I guess. However, it's not really your problem. The only demanding vibe I get are from his friends.
If he chooses to spend more time with you over them, or prioritizes you over them, it's his decision. Nothing you can do, but enjoy it.
i agree with this. sonic, you have to live your life as you see fit, not as someone else sees fit. same with your boyfriend. you cant let others decide for you who to be friends with. if you dont like someone, you just dont like them. i think it is great that you are not trying to control your boyfriend though, that is what is noble.
so live your life as you see fit, be friends with those you want to be friends with, and dont look back. it seems the only one that has an issue with this is your boyfriends friend.
But worthwhile to add: Not all of his friends are jerks or takers or users or dysfunctional people. I've met a few couples he was friends with, who were delightful. And we generally share a larger social group of friends & acquaintances...people I would say we aren't quite as invested in, since we haven't known them decades or anything and normally only see in the group settings, but still. Good people.
I would say that the one friend I don't care for, and other men who didn't seem like healthy friendships, were people who came into his life in his past, and it's possible he has kind of outgrown them, but mostly did not sever that one last connection due to habit, pity, obligation, history...
The woman, she legit seemed like a really cool human, if only it weren't for the "friend-zone factor" of it.
I think the only question you need to ask yourself is that if YOU are okay with his friendships. It looks like you have answered your own questions. As long as you are honest with yourself, and you know in your heart you won't be resentful in the future. I say let them be.
At some point you do have to adopt some of his friendships. If you isolate him from his entire network then you become “that girlâ€. I get the example of the creepy guy and I’m sure your bf gets it too. Maybe he’ll realize he needs to associate with less creepy people as he matures.
I read the post and her explanation but it still seems pretty lame that he continues a friendship with someone like that.
I am not sure about this but I find that men are much more resistant and tolerant to bullcrap from friends than women. They just ignore the bad behavior as long as it doesn't affect them too much and concentrate on the good side of others. They just don't talk about it or don't listen when the other person acts weird, while women more likely need a person to be wholesome well natured to be friends.
I am not sure about this but I find that men are much more resistant and tolerant to bullcrap from friends than women. They just ignore the bad behavior as long as it doesn't affect them too much and concentrate on the good side of others. They just don't talk about it or don't listen when the other person acts weird, while women more likely need a person to be wholesome well natured to be friends.
Wow, really?!?!?! I actually know more women that tolerate bad behavior from other people than men. I know for myself and my guy friends, none of us tolerate bad behavior. We just don't have the time for it these days.
Wow, really?!?!?! I actually know more women that tolerate bad behavior from other people than men. I know for myself and my guy friends, none of us tolerate bad behavior. We just don't have the time for it these days.
Thats just my experience. Women are more sensitive and need to discuss everything and analyze while guys just ignore it.
Thats just my experience. Women are more sensitive and need to discuss everything and analyze while guys just ignore it.
Sorry just seeing some of this, I have been on vacation, and OFF the internet for a while.
I think sometimes you're right. It probably depends on the guy (or the woman.) I've also seen groups of guy friends, where like 2 of them don't really like each other, but neither will give ground. Since they all have the same friend-group, they just try to one-up and annoy one another, this especially when both of them are attentions seekers who put on a big act of high self confidence (yet have obviously shaky self esteem underneath.) My ex still does that, as far as I know, with this other guy he's friends with. Each of them thinks they are the leader of the social group, the highest status male in the room. In reality, neither of them are, and everyone else just tolerates their BS.
It has been my observation from talks I've had with men, that I in particular do more in-depth analysis of my "friends" (and I use that term very loosely) and I keep them at various degrees of familiarity based on what kind of person they are and what boundaries I feel are needed. I have friends I trust, people I know would never take advantage of me, and I will let them into my home. Then there are people I know, who are fun to hang out with in a group, outside of my home, like at a party...but they're kind of "messy" people so I'd never invite them over.
To some guys I know, that all seems really complicated. They'll like someone, put up with all their stuff, unless that person does something that truly is against their moral code, especially to THEM personally, and then maybe get into a fight with them, and possibly shun them afterwards, or maybe "a punch in the mouth and all is forgiven" (which according to my ex, is what you do when one of your guy friends bangs your wife...she gets tossed out in the street, and he gets a punch in the mouth, because "guy code" or something.) ?? Different men, different rules...
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