My girlfriend was severly disabled a year ago. I want to get married, am I crazy? (wife, marriage)
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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evan287
In 2015, I started dating my current girlfriend. Last year, she broke her neck in a skiing accident and is paralyzed from the shoulders down. She was in the hospital and then a rehab facility for several months and only recently returned home(her parents home). She is dependent on others for almost everything. She had been working as a lawyer prior to her accident. She wants to return to doing that job somehow.
She has told me that she would understand if I want to leave her. I don't want to leave her. I want to marry her, but most people in my life aren't supportive especially my brother and friends. They have straight up told me that I would end being more of a husband than a caregiver.
If you love her that much to be willing to essentially be in a marriage that won’t offer much as far as your personal fulfillment, go for it. Would I do the same? Hell no, but I have to caveat I’ve never really been in love so I’m probably not qualified to give an opinion.
Just a note to those that brought it up.
My niece was paralyzed from the waist down , got pregnant in the usual manner and had a baby boy.
IMO, the difference in abilities is significant for someone paralyzed from the waist down versus from the neck down. Your niece still had the use of her upper body so she still able to physically care for her son - such as hold him, change his diaper, feed him.
And I do not intend to be crude but I think being intimate with someone who is paralyzed from the neck down versus waist down is also much different.
I think you meant to say "more of a caregiver than a husband".
The fact is, you would very much be a caregiver. As long as you have carefully considered, and discussed with her:
Children - maybe you could adopt, maybe you could have a surrogate - but how will the children be cared for with you being the only mobile parent? Or the possibility of never having children.
Your physical needs - Are you prepared to be celibate? Or you two open to having your physical needs being met outside of the marriage?
A plan for her long-term care.
^^These are just a few things that I can think of off the top of my head. There are likely a lot of other things to be considered.
On the topic of children, we talked about it and we wouldn't use a surrogate. Adoption is out of the question as she is severely disabled and wouldn't be able to do any of the child care.
I figured. I think what matters is that you both want to get married and you have a realistic perspective on what her paralysis means for your life together and how you would approach challenges together. It would be crucial to be on the same wavelength.
What others think isn't important.
Deeply consider the above, all aspects. Discuss all your concerns with someone you trust completely.
IMO, the difference in abilities is significant for someone paralyzed from the waist down versus from the neck down. Your niece still had the use of her upper body so she still able to physically care for her son - such as hold him, change his diaper, feed him.
And I do not intend to be crude but I think being intimate with someone who is paralyzed from the neck down versus waist down is also much different.
I was only addressing your remarks abut what is possible or not.
Your also said he needed to be prepared for celibacy.
Of course, it would be different but celibacy is not a given.
I wouldn't jump into marriage, that would apply even if she wasn't disabled. You both have to think ahead to all the problems, discuss how you will handle them, etc. It's a difficult situation, but can be done.
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Of course the decision is yours, but it is a huge sacrifice. Maybe you need to spend a few weeks, living with her, in her parents home, & take over all the care-giving duties they have, & see if you think you can cope with it , long term.
I was only addressing your remarks abut what is possible or not.
Your also said he needed to be prepared for celibacy. Of course, it would be different but celibacy is not a given.
You're correct. I should have prefaced that with possible celibacy.
My intention was just to make sure OP was aware of the limitations they would face in regards to their sex life and that they should be on the same page on how to deal with that before making the kind of commitment a marriage entails.
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