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Old 03-22-2018, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,691 posts, read 41,633,601 times
Reputation: 41324

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Quote:
Originally Posted by evan287 View Post
In 2015, I started dating my current girlfriend. Last year, she broke her neck in a skiing accident and is paralyzed from the shoulders down. She was in the hospital and then a rehab facility for several months and only recently returned home(her parents home). She is dependent on others for almost everything. She had been working as a lawyer prior to her accident. She wants to return to doing that job somehow.

She has told me that she would understand if I want to leave her. I don't want to leave her. I want to marry her, but most people in my life aren't supportive especially my brother and friends. They have straight up told me that I would end being more of a husband than a caregiver.
If you love her that much to be willing to essentially be in a marriage that won’t offer much as far as your personal fulfillment, go for it. Would I do the same? Hell no, but I have to caveat I’ve never really been in love so I’m probably not qualified to give an opinion.
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:24 AM
 
Location: Florida
23,165 posts, read 26,122,269 times
Reputation: 27898
Just a note to those that brought it up.
My niece was paralyzed from the waist down , got pregnant in the usual manner and had a baby boy.
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Central Virginia
6,535 posts, read 8,342,414 times
Reputation: 18677
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Just a note to those that brought it up.
My niece was paralyzed from the waist down , got pregnant in the usual manner and had a baby boy.
IMO, the difference in abilities is significant for someone paralyzed from the waist down versus from the neck down. Your niece still had the use of her upper body so she still able to physically care for her son - such as hold him, change his diaper, feed him.

And I do not intend to be crude but I think being intimate with someone who is paralyzed from the neck down versus waist down is also much different.
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Old 03-22-2018, 10:50 AM
 
7 posts, read 4,662 times
Reputation: 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
I think you meant to say "more of a caregiver than a husband".

The fact is, you would very much be a caregiver. As long as you have carefully considered, and discussed with her:

Children - maybe you could adopt, maybe you could have a surrogate - but how will the children be cared for with you being the only mobile parent? Or the possibility of never having children.

Your physical needs - Are you prepared to be celibate? Or you two open to having your physical needs being met outside of the marriage?

A plan for her long-term care.

^^These are just a few things that I can think of off the top of my head. There are likely a lot of other things to be considered.
On the topic of children, we talked about it and we wouldn't use a surrogate. Adoption is out of the question as she is severely disabled and wouldn't be able to do any of the child care.
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:10 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,920 posts, read 7,693,227 times
Reputation: 16655
Your decision. Not ours.

You're the one who would have to deal with this particular decision.
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,074 posts, read 11,779,388 times
Reputation: 30347
Quote:
Originally Posted by CapsChick View Post
I figured. I think what matters is that you both want to get married and you have a realistic perspective on what her paralysis means for your life together and how you would approach challenges together. It would be crucial to be on the same wavelength.

What others think isn't important.


Deeply consider the above, all aspects. Discuss all your concerns with someone you trust completely.

Then it's your decision.

You are quite a guy....
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:46 AM
 
Location: Florida
23,165 posts, read 26,122,269 times
Reputation: 27898
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
IMO, the difference in abilities is significant for someone paralyzed from the waist down versus from the neck down. Your niece still had the use of her upper body so she still able to physically care for her son - such as hold him, change his diaper, feed him.

And I do not intend to be crude but I think being intimate with someone who is paralyzed from the neck down versus waist down is also much different.
I was only addressing your remarks abut what is possible or not.
Your also said he needed to be prepared for celibacy.
Of course, it would be different but celibacy is not a given.
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,436 posts, read 34,636,835 times
Reputation: 73585
I wouldn't jump into marriage, that would apply even if she wasn't disabled. You both have to think ahead to all the problems, discuss how you will handle them, etc. It's a difficult situation, but can be done.
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Old 03-22-2018, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Northern California
128,999 posts, read 11,938,836 times
Reputation: 38775
Of course the decision is yours, but it is a huge sacrifice. Maybe you need to spend a few weeks, living with her, in her parents home, & take over all the care-giving duties they have, & see if you think you can cope with it , long term.
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Old 03-22-2018, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Central Virginia
6,535 posts, read 8,342,414 times
Reputation: 18677
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
I was only addressing your remarks abut what is possible or not.
Your also said he needed to be prepared for celibacy.
Of course, it would be different but celibacy is not a given.

You're correct. I should have prefaced that with possible celibacy.

My intention was just to make sure OP was aware of the limitations they would face in regards to their sex life and that they should be on the same page on how to deal with that before making the kind of commitment a marriage entails.
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