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If he wants to be in a relationship with you, why not go for it and take the next step? You had mentioned in your OP that you love him?
He's got a lot he needs to work on with his mental health (as do I, really). I just think it's weird to be like "Yeah, I agree we can have a relationship in the future if we both meet certain benchmarks in our mental health progress."
I had an FWB who pushed and pushed for more and I regret letting myself get sucked into his world. I just got divorced and I wasn't in any shape to be in a relationship. But alas, I let his words and actions convince me that we should be more. BIG MISTAKE! HUGE!
I don't think there is anything wrong with FWBs. No drama, trauma, emotional entanglements! IDEAL!
TRUST YOUR GUT!
He's not pushing at all. I just see him heading off in a certain direction. I'm not entirely opposed to a relationship. I just think he needs to prioritize different things than he's worrying about.
Seriously? Being a good person and good lover does not make someone the right person to have a relationship with.
JRZ, you are not "obligated" to address this, but, if you are truly their friend (and it isn't a FB situation), you should do so. It may result in your needing to end it, it may not, but it is the ethical course of action.
Yeah, that's kind of what I was figuring. Dan Savage's campsite rule "Leave it better than you found it" is kind of sitting in my brain these days.
Should I have a talk with my FWB of the past several years? I think he wants more, which is funny because I think the primary attraction of our arrangement initially was that I told him I was mainly interested in good sex with someone who didn't make me wish I had a ball gag handy.
I genuinely love and like the guy (we truly are friends), and if I was going to have a romantic relationship with anyone, it would be with him. But there is a level of detachment in my personal relationships these days that means I'm not that interested in romantic entanglements. I like that there's no stress or drama or insecurity in this nonrelationship. When we worked this out, I basically was at a point where I recognized I was not in a good spot to be dating or pursuing relationships and frankly, neither was he (and he told me as much). At the same time, I kind of set myself on a path to building my ideal life and romance didn't figure into it.
Both he and I have been in therapy for our respective issues over the past year. He's had a really hard life - let's just leave it at that. I don't want to add to the crap and baggage that he's dealing with. At the same time, I've made a ton of progress.
But some stuff he's said over the past year or so has cumulatively suggested that he is possibly looking toward a future with me - he has been very concerned with telling me about how likely it is he will be financially well-off in the future, he brought up a few very specific musicians that had only been mentioned in my long-defunct online profile as being among his favorites too (music is important to him, but we talk about newer stuff), he told me some intensely personal stuff that explained a lot of his stranger qualities (it took YEARS for him to trust me with it), he has been very insistent about what a good person I am when we get into our discussions of modern-day ethics and politics. And once in the middle of sex a while back, he told me he'd marry me if he wasn't so old (in his late 40s).
Just weird, random little factoids that I and one of my closest friends think is indicative that he's thinking of something more. And I just haven't been. I think he senses that and thinks it's because I make considerably more than him and come from a comfortably middle class background - which I couldn't care less about. I've known him for years, and even though these might seem like meaningless little items, they are adding up to much more in the context of all of our interactions.
Given I've been in therapy, I've become more open to a relationship, though I'm not there yet. And I care about him immensely. I just don't know when I'll be in a place to want to make that leap, and he's clearly not thinking of this happening right away - I get the vibe though that he's trying to lay foundations. I've been mostly accurate in my gut feelings about him too.
So is it presumptuous for me to just say "Dude, if you're thinking we're going to have a relationship in the future, I can't promise you anything, but I really don't care about your finances - I want you to work on your mental health and continue the amazing progress you've already made." (Because he really has.)
I know that might just put an end to a really cool situation that brings me a lot of pleasure and send him screaming into the wilderness. But I'm ok with risking that now if it means I don't add to the mountain of crap he's dealing with later on. Or is it just obnoxious and arrogant and flat-out rude?
This nonrelationship thing has been amazingly low stress and enjoyable for me, with very little drama (up to now) - I would hate to lose it. I've been in relationships with emotionally abusive men and with manipulative men. He's been nothing but kind and honest - maybe because we don't have a real relationship, lol. I'd continue with our current setup indefinitely - and the only thing I'd want to change is to get together more, because the sex is really great.
But he seems like he has other hopes, and I don't know what to do with it - I don't want to be another disappointment in a life that has been filled with obstacles, tragedy and hardship. And I could be wrong about everything, too - I'm willing to risk the humiliation of being completely and totally wrong in addition to the loss of my current perfect setup, but I don't want to be hurtful in any way.
No idea what to do here, or even if I should do anything.
If you have no idea what to do, asking strangers is not a good thing to start with. Get a clue about it first by yourself, then ask for additional opinion or a view from a different angle (other people can give different points of view that might give you more insight).
The only option you can get is a generalized answer since none of us know you (that well, or personally) and it's up to you, but:
1. Relationship takes two (and breaking it up takes just one party)
2. Each person in this relationship should and evaluate relationship based on their expectations and the range of scenarios that they want/desire and/or tolerate.
There's nothing wrong if or when the subject of his earnings come up, to reiterate that you aren't concerned about that.
As far as anything 'in the future' it's not unreasonable to mention future things since it's altogether possible you'll still be together in the foreseeable future, even if on the same basis as now.
It may be that you just get nervous just hearing the word, even if casually mentioned, since you don't feel ready to make any commitment to one. IF he gets more direct and definitive, then you will have to deal with it. Until then, continue and enjoy what you do have.
You're already in a "real relationship" – of sorts. But he seems to have moved to a more "romantic" notion of it than you. Maybe his age is catching up with him ... and has been thinking that he really would like someone (you) to settle in with.
I think this is always a danger with FWB-type relationships: That often one person develops more feelings for the other. All the intellectualizing in the world can't fight that.
I've never thought FWB relationships were meant to withstand years. All of mine have been a couple of years or less, as needs, life situations and expectations are bound to change--as they should. Stagnation is a big problem.
Well, I have never been in one of these situations but it seems to run counter to what we know about how people work.
Next time around, you might try having a relationship first, then moving to sex. If that means you go without sex for a while, you will survive.
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You had mentioned in your OP that you love him?
