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Old 04-04-2018, 04:32 PM
 
2,685 posts, read 2,515,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post

More and more of your statements prove you have no relationship experience. People are real, what we "want" in a vacuum is abstract, if someone is getting with someone that isn't manufactured in their mind (i,e, your mythical 100% match that never exists), there are two individuals I would have LOOOOVVVEED to marry and be with, and I WANTED THEM with all my being, it was not settling. Still, they of course, could not be everything I would put on an abstract list.

Maybe sticking with fantasies are best for you since it appears really making connections with people and falling in love is not possible for you, which is too bad, it is pretty awesome.
I don't think we are talking about the same thing.

You seem to be off on a different topic. I'm not talking about fantasies. I'm talking about what people want and how often they actually get it.
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:35 PM
 
2,685 posts, read 2,515,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve View Post
Let's be realistic, no one gets exactly what they want. That person who is 100% perfect for you does not exist.
False.

We are not talking about perfection or compatibility. We are talking about wants.

There are times when I got exactly what I wanted out of a relationship. Not long-term, but at least for a period of time.

Settling is when you take something you don't want, because what you really want is either not realistic or out of reach. Nothing I want out of life is unrealistic because I don't have much of an imagination.
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:42 PM
 
30,907 posts, read 32,923,411 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown View Post
PM me if you want to learn more about me.

As far as this thread is concerned, please stay on topic.
What IS the topic? In other words, what do you mean by settling? Nobody can really answer unless we know what you're talking about.

If you mean, do most of us wind up with a perfect person, so to speak. No. But most intelligent people don't want a perfect person. We want a real person to be imperfect with, not a walking Photoshop with some generic personality. We want not just "a" person, per se, but experiences and that is why someone who may not appear generically perfect can definitely be NOT someone we settled for, bit someone who is actually more than we hoped for. I would never want to be with some cookie cutter perfect guy. So I wouldn't have perfect but would that mean I settled for someone else? No. It would mean if I wound up with that perfect guy, that would be me settling for not ever really having that emotional, shared connection.

So since "most" is literally unquantifiable and we have only a very vague question to go on, I am going to say,no, from what I have seen most people do not settle. Nor do most people not settle. As with anything involving real,dimensional people, it is a mix and won't be the same day to day or even for a given person, from relationship to relationship. But I definitely wouldn't say MOST people settle, no.

It is not a question that can really be answered. It is entirely based on definitions that could change from person to person, plus as I said we don't even know what the OP means by "settle."
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:45 PM
 
Location: Rural Wisconsin
19,649 posts, read 9,192,474 times
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Good topic.

I think that most people do settle, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. If people held out for someone who was 100% "perfect" for them in ALL ways, there would be a lot of lonely people in the world. I think that most people do hold out for someone who is at least meets all their minimum requirements, though.

I have been married to my current husband for over 30 years, and although he is not my "perfect" match (he has an unfortunate "addiction" to World of Warcraft, lol, he gets disproportionately angry to small irritations, and he has probably about a dozen similar small faults), I cannot imagine that I could have done "better", as we are VERY compatible in countless ways, both in personality and in most interests.

In contrast, I think of a co-worker 40 years ago, who was 30 and desperate to get married, but her list of requirements was just crazy, imo, as she herself was nothing special. (Among other things, any man she would consider marrying had to be VERY wealthy and very good-looking). Last I heard, she was almost 40 and still single.
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:55 PM
 
2,685 posts, read 2,515,360 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ View Post
What IS the topic? In other words, what do you mean by settling? Nobody can really answer unless we know what you're talking about.

If you mean, do most of us wind up with a perfect person, so to speak. No. But most intelligent people don't want a perfect person. We want a real person to be imperfect with, not a walking Photoshop with some generic personality. We want not just "a" person, per se, but experiences and that is why someone who may not appear generically perfect can definitely be NOT someone we settled for, bit someone who is actually more than we hoped for. I would never want to be with some cookie cutter perfect guy. So I wouldn't have perfect but would that mean I settled for someone else? No. It would mean if I wound up with that perfect guy, that would be me settling for not ever really having that emotional, shared connection.

So since "most" is literally unquantifiable and we have only a very vague question to go on, I am going to say,no, from what I have seen most people do not settle. Nor do most people not settle. As with anything involving real,dimensional people, it is a mix and won't be the same day to day or even for a given person, from relationship to relationship. But I definitely wouldn't say MOST people settle, no.

It is not a question that can really be answered. It is entirely based on definitions that could change from person to person, plus as I said we don't even know what the OP means by "settle."
Settling means accepting less than what you want.

If you want to marry a doctor and you end up marrying a car salesman, you settled.

If you want to marry someone in shape and end up with someone fat, you settled.

If you want someone who is funny and you end up with someone boring, you settled.

If you want someone tall and end up with someone short, you settled.

If you want someone who likes to travel and you ended up with someone who doesn't, you settled.

If you want a cheeseburger and end up with a hamburger, you settled.

Does this make sense?
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Old 04-04-2018, 05:26 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,896 times
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Being settled for is my biggest fear. Being the Mr. Good Enough or Mr. He'll Do. Ending up with someone who isn't as into you as you're into them.

My sister is on the perpetrating side of this equation. Little over ten years ago she married an extraordinarily nice man--perhaps to a fault. Average height, a little overweight, monotone, doesn't drink alcohol, not very sociable, far from assertive, was raised by a narcissistic mother. But he was nice, had a good job, was very equitable, and wasn't going to cheat on her.

Besides, she'd been through plenty of boyfriends, the previous being someone who wouldn't commit in the end. Having just eclipsed thirty and desperate to begin her family, she married him.

Ten years on and four kids later she cheated on him, and now they've separated. All of a sudden, his lack of assertiveness, his sub-par shape, and his general lack of masculinity weren't good enough anymore. She left a man of unyielding loyalty (he said that he's willing to forgive her) for some electrician. No surprise really. She'd lost considerable weight after years of struggling with her body and she honestly looks good for her forties. It's a shame that a man who'd provided for the family and who'd done the lion's share of the child-minding after work received the boot as a consequence.

So, it is important to try not to settle while also being realistic about your options, as many users have said. However, it wouldn't hurt to also try to avoid being settled for. The last thing you want to do is have your heart ripped in two by someone who tricked you into believing that they loved you for who you are, only to some years down the line suddenly decide that you aren't good enough anymore.
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Old 04-04-2018, 05:55 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,838,343 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown View Post
Settling means accepting less than what you want.

If you want to marry a doctor and you end up marrying a car salesman, you settled.

If you want to marry someone in shape and end up with someone fat, you settled.

If you want someone who is funny and you end up with someone boring, you settled.

If you want someone tall and end up with someone short, you settled.

If you want someone who likes to travel and you ended up with someone who doesn't, you settled.

If you want a cheeseburger and end up with a hamburger, you settled.

Does this make sense?

No, not at all, it mistakes entirely why people marry each other. Entirely.
This says you do not understand love and relationships.
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Old 04-04-2018, 05:58 PM
 
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,838,343 times
Reputation: 40634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown View Post
Settling means accepting less than what you want.

If you want to marry a doctor and you end up marrying a car salesman, you settled.

If you want to marry someone in shape and end up with someone fat, you settled.

If you want someone who is funny and you end up with someone boring, you settled.

If you want someone tall and end up with someone short, you settled.

If you want someone who likes to travel and you ended up with someone who doesn't, you settled.

If you want a cheeseburger and end up with a hamburger, you settled.

Does this make sense?

No, not at all, it mistakes entirely why people marry each other. Entirely.
This says you do not understand love and relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz Brown View Post
I don't think we are talking about the same thing.

You seem to be off on a different topic. I'm not talking about fantasies. I'm talking about what people want and how often they actually get it.
Nope. You're talking about the abstract, a fantasy, a list people make up in their mind of their "perfect" person, and how they get that "perfect" person . That is entirely a fantasy. And what people "want" isn't what it is about, if you want someone X, Y, and Z, and find someone X, Y, and Z that is into you, that doesn't even remotely make them the right person. That's fantasy world.

It isn't how people actually fall in love and couple. You simply do not get "it". You do not understand relationships in the real world.
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Old 04-04-2018, 06:15 PM
 
2,685 posts, read 2,515,360 times
Reputation: 1856
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
No, not at all, it mistakes entirely why people marry each other. Entirely.
This says you do not understand love and relationships.
You saying "No, not at all" doesn't make it so.

Seems you don't know how discussions and debates work.

You have to support your statements.
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Old 04-04-2018, 06:16 PM
 
378 posts, read 229,341 times
Reputation: 968
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742 View Post
No, not at all, it mistakes entirely why people marry each other. Entirely.
This says you do not understand love and relationships.



Nope. You're talking about the abstract, a fantasy, a list people make up in their mind of their "perfect" person, and how they get that "perfect" person . That is entirely a fantasy. And what people "want" isn't what it is about, if you want someone X, Y, and Z, and find someone X, Y, and Z that is into you, that doesn't even remotely make them the right person. That's fantasy world.

It isn't how people actually fall in love and couple. You simply do not get "it". You do not understand relationships in the real world.
What exactly do relationships in the real world look like?
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